Moved into house and husband doesn’t seem interested in doing house projects

[Anonymous]

My observation: when a couple/family moves into a new house, things either get a lot better or a lot worse, it never stays the same.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't care about decor. Makes it easy for me because then I can do what I want. We generally have the same tastes on things anyways so it's easy. It would bug me if all the household maintenance fell on me. He is generally pretty good about figuring out what needs to be done and hiring people or sometimes fixing on his own. Sometimes I'll note an issue and ask him to call someone since we have to work around his schedule anyways.

Op, you have 2 options. Have him be in charge of things that don't have to happen right away (like making the house more smart) but accept that it will happen on his timeline and not yours. Or accept that if you want things done according to your timeline, you need to do them and give him something else to be in charge of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

Don’t have more kids than that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just bought a house as first time owners. I’m really excited to make the place ours and am constantly looking for things I can fix up or decorate, etc., or looking up what we need to maintain the house. My husband on the other hand acts like the house is “done” (other than getting more furniture). It’s starting to bug me that he’s not also looking for stuff to do around the house and it feels like I’m going to do a ton and he’s just going to free load. I’m not just talking about decorating; stuff has come off like a toilet stopped flushing or some outlets weren’t working and he doesn’t seem interested in dealing with it. If he’s not interested in decorating then fine but shouldn’t he at least fix things or find people to do it?

I want to have a talk about it but haven’t broached the subject yet. I’m sure I’m a little overeager with getting stuff done quickly, but it bothers that I’m putting in all this effort and he’s just like cool you do that. Is there a good way you’d suggest bringing this up without just saying hey can you do more projects around the house? Because I don’t think he’ll react well to that or know what to do with that.

Quickly find out if his father or mother was the same way - can’t ID things that need fixing or improving and also not doing anything about it

We bought a house from a couple who were horrible homeowners with the deferred maintenance. And zero upgrades but the amount of lipstick on the pig and lazy homeowner stuff showers up big time in the inspection report and we knocked $300k off our contract price.

So hand him the inspection report, divy up the suggestions and put him in charge of a few and you a few others.


You’ll quickly find out if he’s a lazy homeowner or not, bad with talking with repairmen or not, good negotiating and running a bid process or a total lazy sucker, etc z

If he’s bad at everything, well then good luck, it’s all on you. And you had better home and pray he’s also not a slob, misogynist, and neglectful future parent to any potential kids.

Yup. Pretty much this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was he in the home search and home buying process?
Proactive, active?
Or passive & reactive, having you do everything (run comps, check out commutes and schools, find a trusty inspective, find a good mortgage rate and bank, negotiate, etc.?

Maybe he didn’t care where they live so dumped that ALL on OP. He’s just along for the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

Ok, so the bolded is your actual problem, which is different than what you originally wrote about. As has been noted, it’s completely unreasonable for you to think DH should share your excitement about doing house-related projects, many of which you clearly do enjoy. You need to let him know that the default of you doing all the house stuff is overwhelming for you, and the two of you can then discuss the best way to get back to a more balanced place.

[Anonymous]

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

[Anonymous]

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

This. I am a DW and do all this stuff. Frankly it’s a gift, because I get to do things the way I want them.

You can’t use the old “he gets to enjoy it too” because he would enjoy it fine without doing anything. You need to rethink your approach to this. If it bothers you to do these things, don’t do them. The sky will not fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

It is not unfair. You seem like a be a counter. I also more than the things on your list are decorative and your list for him is a broken toilet. That’s not “fair.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

[Anonymous]

Husband here - I just do not care about decorating. I’d be fine with my college Van Halen posters.

Repairs are different IMO. Husband should manage that. If he can’t watch some YouTube videos he needs to interact with all tradesmen. My wife refuses to talk to tradesmen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

This. I am a DW and do all this stuff. Frankly it’s a gift, because I get to do things the way I want them.

You can’t use the old “he gets to enjoy it too” because he would enjoy it fine without doing anything. You need to rethink your approach to this. If it bothers you to do these things, don’t do them. The sky will not fall.

Interesting. But do you run things by him, or do you just do it? Do you buy stuff without telling him? I agree that my DH would be fine if I didn't do something, but if I'm off doing whatever I want without his feedback, I'm sure he would see it and be like wtf? Or should I approach it as, if he doesn't care then I'm just going to do what I want and he loses his say in it?