How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Are you socially a buffoon in real life too?

Maybe. But I don’t mince words. If I don’t feel like helping you out I’ll tell you so, not pretend that I really want to but I jUsT cAn’T!! In other words, I act like a grown up and own my choices.

Dp I disagree. I think the social niceness is better than being rude. How does it harm anyone to be civil rather than your way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

You know you would have a point if you actually read the whole OP post. OP IS NOT DRIVING OTHER KIDS. The parents want to drop their kids off at her house so she can walk them to school. And in order for this to make sense for those parents dropping off, they would be dropping off earlier than OP leaving for school which means she is responsible for other peoples kids in the morning because they dont want any alternative that requires THEM to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

Wrong. I never complain and I never ask because it is my responsivity! I don't think op should be obligated to do something that she doesn't want to do! Would you impose the dh if he worked from home? Probably not, because his time is valuable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

You know you would have a point if you actually read the whole OP post. OP IS NOT DRIVING OTHER KIDS. The parents want to drop their kids off at her house so she can walk them to school. And in order for this to make sense for those parents dropping off, they would be dropping off earlier than OP leaving for school which means she is responsible for other peoples kids in the morning because they dont want any alternative that requires THEM to do anything.

If you read my whole post you would see we're commenting not on OPs situation but on all the responses that they (the pps of those responses) would never even want to help someone else out because clearly the only outcome is they'll be played as a chump and theres no world in which people truly do create communities where people look out for each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Are you socially a buffoon in real life too?

Maybe. But I don’t mince words. If I don’t feel like helping you out I’ll tell you so, not pretend that I really want to but I jUsT cAn’T!! In other words, I act like a grown up and own my choices.

Dp I disagree. I think the social niceness is better than being rude. How does it harm anyone to be civil rather than your way?

Well its certainly a very efficient way for PP to lead a very isolated existence where people avoid her, so I guess she gets what she wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

Ummm good for you? I drive my fair share of car pools and my husband and I each coach a kids activity. Some kids are not trouble at all, some kids would lose their head if it wasn’t attached and see my house/car as an invitation to test any and all limits. Some families I would gladly help in an emergency because they are part of my village. Other families I don’t want help from for a variety of reasons including the fact that I don’t think my kids are safe in their home or car. Some families only ask for help and never reciprocate anything - I once had a mom who was huffy with me because I couldn’t add her son to a carpool because 2/3 of the people participating only had room for 3 kids in their car. Was I supposed to buy a new vehicle?

You also say your son was easier when there is a friend around. Do you have an only child? Some of us have more than 1 child and sometimes have multiple sports or schools to get to in a narrow window of time. I am capable of taking care of the kids I have, but I don’t need or want to add more to the mix for an indefinite period of time.

[Anonymous]

I would say No OP. It's an if you give a mouse a cookie situation and soon you'd be running before and aftercare out of your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

You know you would have a point if you actually read the whole OP post. OP IS NOT DRIVING OTHER KIDS. The parents want to drop their kids off at her house so she can walk them to school. And in order for this to make sense for those parents dropping off, they would be dropping off earlier than OP leaving for school which means she is responsible for other peoples kids in the morning because they dont want any alternative that requires THEM to do anything.

If you read my whole post you would see we're commenting not on OPs situation but on all the responses that they (the pps of those responses) would never even want to help someone else out because clearly the only outcome is they'll be played as a chump and theres no world in which people truly do create communities where people look out for each other

Okay so just discussing what isnt related to the OP question then? Cool. I do love when posts go off on tangents. But then again, how else would you have the opportunity to put into writing your superiority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

You know you would have a point if you actually read the whole OP post. OP IS NOT DRIVING OTHER KIDS. The parents want to drop their kids off at her house so she can walk them to school. And in order for this to make sense for those parents dropping off, they would be dropping off earlier than OP leaving for school which means she is responsible for other peoples kids in the morning because they dont want any alternative that requires THEM to do anything.

Who peed in your cheerios this morning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

They might not be her kids "actual" friends. I have a second grader and her "actual" friends are her one neighborhood pal and her cousins -- people who she's known since before elementary school and with whom our families are pretty close. I absolutely would help out any of those families and I know they'd do the same for me.

At school my kid also has school friends but my experience is that these come and go and there's no consistency. Last year my kid had a good friend n her class who we saw once the whole summer because the girl's parents had a lot of travel planned and they didn't prioritize playdates. They aren't in the same class this year and when I asked if they played together at recess DD said not really. Now she has a new class friend whose parents I haven't even met yet because I was sick for BTS night. Its been like this the last three years with school friends kind of drifting in and out. We host playdates and invite kids to birthday parties but at this age I think it's hard for real friendships to develop unless the parents are already friends or put a lot of effort in and it seems like most parents are not super invested (which is fine).

So if parents of two classmates reached out to me to help them with something like this I'd feel a bit imposed upon. Sure our kids are friendly (enough that they'd know where I lived) but it's not like we're close. I would see it for what it is which is parents panicking over what I get is a bad situation for them and casting about for any solution. I'd be reluctant to volunteer and probably a bit wary of those parents in general because I don't want to be seen as the solution to everyone's childcare issues just because like OP I live near the school and we walk. The fact that two parents reached out would make me especially wary -- what if word gets around and more ask.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. In a nice way but a firm no with no details about why you can’t. “Im so sorry that I can’t help but my schedule is really tight and that doesn’t work for me.” You’ll become resentful of these families if you say yes.

What about when your kid is sick and stays home? You are still expected to take the other kids to school? It’s too messy to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

We would be friends . You get what you give....I bet many of these responses are from people always moaning about how hard it is to raise a kid these days with no community and every man for themselves without looking in the mirror and considering how they created that very community for themselves. Not that OP should drive every day but the paranoia from all the responders that if you do find a way to help at all you're going to be taken advantage by people just looking to step all over everyone else and never contribute back is wild

No I think a lot of these responses are from recovering people pleasers who have been burned one too many times and are working on pushing back.

That's me. I was raised to be helpful and do what I could to contribute to the community. And I actively sought out community and sought to make myself a useful member of them.

About 12 years ago I got burned HUGE by one such community where I'd done a ton of unpaid labor to help others and really thought we all cared about each other. Then I learned (1) I'd been the subject of nasty and mean-spirited gossip about how I was tedious and lame by many of the women in the community and (2) I had a health scare where I needed help and only one member of that community showed up for me in any way and even then it was just a call to see if I was okay. These were people I'd baked casseroles for and hosted baby showers for and just generally worked pretty hard to be supportive and kind. And I was left wondering if half the reason they looked down on me and thought I was "tedious" was specifically because I was a helpful person who sought to be of service to others.

Now I don't care so much about broader communities like the neighborhood or the school parents or the work community. I have close friends and family and I take care of them and I view most other people as a potential user and keep them at arms length. And I have zero regrets about this.

This would be a hard no for me but I'd say it in a nice way and wish them luck and figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So could the kids get dropped off at your house and walk together to school? I’d do it if the situation is temporary. Sounds like they’re trying to hire more bus drivers.

I’d hate to say flat out no and all of a sudden find that my kid wasn’t being invited to birthday parties and such.

Yeah I don’t get this one. You live a few blocks away so you walk, right? Can’t you all walk together? I’m confused.

She is selfish and only likes friendship to run one way - to her benefit alone. I would drop this person and their kid from any social activities.

You don't want to be part of the village? Fine, enjoy banishment.

So why don't you offer to drive everyone and pick up OP's kid on the way?

Because that pp only wants people to do for her. Or else she's cruel to their children. What a piece of work.

Seriously, wow. You need to get a grip. You seem unhinged.

OP says nothing about wanting anything from anyone. She just doesn't want to be at the mercy of being in charge of a gaggle of kids morning and afternoon when she has a job.

So you’re saying it would be okay to impose on her/ask her for a favor if she was a SAHM?

I’m a SAHM and I’d say no to this too (unless it was a defined amount of time like 1 week and I knew for sure wouldn’t extend longer than that). Our time in the mornings is rushed already and I’m not willing to add another 2 kids to that. I know we’d wind up waiting for them and I’d wind up babysitting them. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.