How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

+100. I love my mornings w my kids as we get ready and walk to school. After school and in the evenings, things are chaotic w activities, homework, the rush of dinner/baths/bedtime. I mornings are the best part of the day in our household. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to not want to disrupt that by adding extra kids and accommodating other families’ schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to do it, then just say no. But understand you’re missing a chance to make a connection that is helpful to someone else who could be helpful to you later.

We went through a similar situation with no busing a couple of years ago. After starting as an indefinite amount of time, it ended up being about 6 weeks before they got it fully restored. It sucked.

I wfh and lost over an hour of work time between drop off and pickups. I found another neighborhood mom to share the burden. She worked shifts, so I definitely drove her kid more than mine, but she did it some. Two years later, we have kids in the same activity and we carpool all the time. My schedule has changed and she drives more than I do. I’m not sure we would be carpooling now if we hadn’t established the earlier relationship.

That’s great it worked for you but there is absolutely no guarantee it would work this way for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

Np. But adding “I don’t want to” is also a sufficient reason. Frankly, I think it is is really rude for people to even ask this of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Are you socially a buffoon in real life too?

Maybe. But I don’t mince words. If I don’t feel like helping you out I’ll tell you so, not pretend that I really want to but I jUsT cAn’T!! In other words, I act like a grown up and own my choices.

Dp I disagree. I think the social niceness is better than being rude. How does it harm anyone to be civil rather than your way?

The main difference is, if it’s a reasonable request and we’re friends and you need help I will say “yes”. If I think you’re an entitled AH who is trying to take advantage of me I’ll say “no”. In the latter case I don’t give a sh!t about being civil since you were uncivil first.

What I don’t do is say no to reasonable requests from friends due to my own lack of desire to help said friends but try to pretend that I’m still some great, lovely person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

Do you not know that not every kid is like yours? My son is a lot harder to manage when he has friends around. They rile each other up and my normally calm, easy kid becomes wild and difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

This is what's wrong with the US....... Seriously OP sounds ridiculous. People talk about the need for a village, but yet when you get a chance to help out you "can't"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

You sound pretty over the top in your response above. That’s ridiculous that you react so strongly. You must be one the users.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what's wrong with the US....... Seriously OP sounds ridiculous. People talk about the need for a village, but yet when you get a chance to help out you "can't"

A village is give and take. What is OP getting from this village?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The school system needs to fix their bus problem. Clearly they are not paying their drivers enough, otherwise, they would not have an issue with staffing. If parents volunteer to drive kids, you're undermining the bus drivers's struggle for better wages.

+100 Probably a district suffering from administrative bloat at the upper levels (too many Assistant Directors of Community Engagement) which depletes the budget, which means every department has to take small cuts everywhere that all add up to a lot over time. The best school district I ever had to deal with paid their bus drivers the median rate, but also hired ass-kicking-name-taking monitors to go along for every single ride. That way the driver could drive instead of having to yell little sh*ts every 2 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure if OP knew one solid family, with reliable parents and well-behaved children, she wouldn't be here. Sounds like most of the parents she knows have a reputation for flakiness and she knows she'll be dealing with a bunch of BS.

[Anonymous]

Is there before and aftercare where you live OP? If so, refer them to that.

I think this is more than you walking their kids to and from school. You will pick up time before and after school to be watching, feeding, etc. others' kids. Then someone else will find out and want to glom on.

We had one kid without bus service catch the bus on our corner. Kid was DS' friend and he would come each day to our home, early, and sit in the mudroom with DS either reading or goofing off until the bus came. That was different. Just 1 kid and they were good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Mostly because weve been burned by people who would say what do you mean you cant take Larlo today? Why didnt you tell me earlier? Weve already left or some insane reason for why their kid is (now) their problem to handle.
Again the issue that these parents individually contacted OP who lives close to the school versus other parents who lost bus routes. This isnt the way to go about it because it requires only one side to be giving and the other to be taking.
They didnt say hey can you do mwf and we will do t/th they just said hey we want to drop off our kid at your house because we lost the bus route.

[Anonymous]

Can you get more details from the parents about what they are expecting?

Are these your kids actual friends? How old are they and are they well behaved?

It’s not all the time right, just a week here or there for a short time?

Depending on your answer to those questions, I’d be tempted to just go ahead and do it. Your kid will be happy to spend some time with friends before school. And if you have something come up where you need help, you will feel like you have someone you can ask.

Now if the kids are nightmares or it was every day for a year, that would be a solid no.