How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

Bus kids are going to be dropped off earlier than when OP leaves so her whole day is changed because of the kids. Oh crap we didnt have time for breakfast can Charles eat it here? Oh he hasnt finished his homework, hell be real quick. Ugh I didnt have time to do Sallys hair this morning but shes fine.

LOOK your kids are your responsibility to get to school especially ifs its one-sided. If someone offers thats one thing but ASKING when you could drive 3 minutes down the road at the same time to drop off...yea no.

I mean… say no to any stupid hypothetical add on requests obviously. This isn’t that big of a deal.

This is the thing. Parents who ask the lady who walks versus other kids who are losing the bus means they are taking the lazy way out that requires nothing from them. They arent banding together to find ways to get their kids to school. They are saying hey you, you do this for your kid so do it for mine.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM who didn't check my texts when a snow day was announced because I knew there would be a few texts from working moms asking me to take their kid all day for free. No. I do this for my kids, not your kids. It isn't my responsibility to fill in your childcare cracks. OP, you can ignore the text. It sends a message and that message is go find another sucker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not DC local so don’t panic for yourself!

Our school district just sent out emails informing us all of a sudden that a dozen busses will be cancelled on a weeks long rotating basis starting tomorrow. I WFH and have flexibility and walk or drive my child because we don’t live within bus boundary. I found out about the cancellation because TWO of DS school friends parents texted me asking if I could drive their kids with mine during the closure.

I haven’t responded; I came here first!

I don’t want to do this. I have no clue how long this will go on, but I can’t be a permanent solution. Besides, I don’t want to watch kids before school/work, and I drop DS off right before the bell. It would be just as easy for these parents to drop their child off at the school; our house is only a few blocks from the school.

So what’s the best way to explain this tactfully?

Do the kids need to come to your house or do can you pick them up and are they on the way to school? If the later , I would be inclined to do it for a week and be specific I can do it these days but other than that I won't be able to help out due to my schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, I'm no help because I have a very tight work schedule, especially in the mornings, with little flexibility.

Frankly, I would want to help, but I also can see how this could turn into OP kid-sitting until it's time to walk kids to school, or get picked up at the end of the day.

OP, can you verify with the school what the duration is?

I like this but could you also find a way in your schedule to do a carpool and offer that?

Start a group text and say what days you are able to do a group pick up and/or drop off and ask if they can help you on the other days.

[Anonymous]

So they want to do this to save, what- 20 minutes AM and PM (not having to wait in car line?). I honestly don’t see the point. Unless they are planning on stretching this out to include babysitting from you on one or both ends. Which seems likely.

They’d be better off: arriving very early and being one of the first to drop off, and arriving late enough at pickup to be one of the last in the pickup line. Or park in nearby neighborhood and do the same strategy- whichever is faster or easier.

I help other parents out a lot- it takes a village- but other than as a one-off “I have a very early meeting, and the 20 minutes matters, any chance you could help me out tomorrow?” I would not be willing to do this either. Too much of a long term commitment- if their schedules are that tight they need to figure out something else. Some of those parents should band together themselves to work out a solution to pool resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It’s not the taking the extra kids. It’s that because of work they need to get their kids out of the house sooner (like close to when the bus used to pick up).

Let’s say school starts at 9 and you can drop off at school beginning at 8:55. What is the point of taking your kid to a house down the street at 8:50 instead of just waiting a few min and dropping at school? No one is doing this just to save 5 min.

In reality they’re going to want to drop their kids at 8:40 (maybe earlier) so they can hang out at OP’s house until they leave to walk to school. They’re trying to carve out some extra childcare in the mornings, which not every parent wants to do indefinitely. If the bus was out of commission for a week then OP should probably do it, but who knows how long this will go on.

This. These parents aren't looking for help with school commute -- if they can get to OP's house they can get to school.

They are looking for morning childcare that used to come in the form of kids waiting for and then sitting on the bus. Instead of imposing on OP they should talk to the school about allowing kids to arrive earlier and sit in the cafeteria or play on the playground since parents are now driving them in.

That's what would bother me about these requests. These parents are not in a bind where they can't take their kids to school. The obviously can or they wouldn't be able to get them to OP's house. They are trying to resolve a scheduling issue for themselves by creating a scheduling issue for OP. It's selfish.

I also think it's weird that the parents who rely on the bus and therefore are neighbors would not be banding together to solve this issue and instead reach out to OP who lives in another part of town. In response to the idea that OP is missing out on "creating a village" by saying no I would ask why these parents who live in the bus zone don't already have their own village among themselves and question whether they would really be on board to help out OP given that they don't live nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they want to do this to save, what- 20 minutes AM and PM (not having to wait in car line?). I honestly don’t see the point. Unless they are planning on stretching this out to include babysitting from you on one or both ends. Which seems likely.

They’d be better off: arriving very early and being one of the first to drop off, and arriving late enough at pickup to be one of the last in the pickup line. Or park in nearby neighborhood and do the same strategy- whichever is faster or easier.

I help other parents out a lot- it takes a village- but other than as a one-off “I have a very early meeting, and the 20 minutes matters, any chance you could help me out tomorrow?” I would not be willing to do this either. Too much of a long term commitment- if their schedules are that tight they need to figure out something else. Some of those parents should band together themselves to work out a solution to pool resources.

Yes the obvious solution here is for groups of families who rely on the bus to organize carpools so that parents are only driving in 1-2 days a week and when they do drive in they are bringing in multiple kids. This is more efficient on multiple levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It’s not the taking the extra kids. It’s that because of work they need to get their kids out of the house sooner (like close to when the bus used to pick up).

Let’s say school starts at 9 and you can drop off at school beginning at 8:55. What is the point of taking your kid to a house down the street at 8:50 instead of just waiting a few min and dropping at school? No one is doing this just to save 5 min.

In reality they’re going to want to drop their kids at 8:40 (maybe earlier) so they can hang out at OP’s house until they leave to walk to school. They’re trying to carve out some extra childcare in the mornings, which not every parent wants to do indefinitely. If the bus was out of commission for a week then OP should probably do it, but who knows how long this will go on.

This. These parents aren't looking for help with school commute -- if they can get to OP's house they can get to school.

They are looking for morning childcare that used to come in the form of kids waiting for and then sitting on the bus. Instead of imposing on OP they should talk to the school about allowing kids to arrive earlier and sit in the cafeteria or play on the playground since parents are now driving them in.

That's what would bother me about these requests. These parents are not in a bind where they can't take their kids to school. The obviously can or they wouldn't be able to get them to OP's house. They are trying to resolve a scheduling issue for themselves by creating a scheduling issue for OP. It's selfish.

I also think it's weird that the parents who rely on the bus and therefore are neighbors would not be banding together to solve this issue and instead reach out to OP who lives in another part of town. In response to the idea that OP is missing out on "creating a village" by saying no I would ask why these parents who live in the bus zone don't already have their own village among themselves and question whether they would really be on board to help out OP given that they don't live nearby.

+1

They should see if the school can allow earlier dropoff and pickup- supervised playground access etc. Worth a shot.

If that doesn’t work- they need to band together to work things out and there are many solutions. Neighborhood carpool- would make by far the most sense. Supervised playground time before/after school by rotating parent (if school allows access), meet up at local park or Starbucks etc with rotating parent to drive the kids to dropoff. Etc.

Even if the two who asked OP for help would band together, they could make something work- one family doing AM and the other PM.

If it were me, I’d find 1-2 other families to pool with, and meet up at local to the school Starbucks in the AM and playground PM and take turns driving the kids to/from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM who didn't check my texts when a snow day was announced because I knew there would be a few texts from working moms asking me to take their kid all day for free. No. I do this for my kids, not your kids. It isn't my responsibility to fill in your childcare cracks. OP, you can ignore the text. It sends a message and that message is go find another sucker.

I really agree with the bolded even though I do help others out sometimes. I work but it's PT and very flexible. I also only had one kid. These were conscious choices we made as a family in order to have a very laid back and relatively easy family life. I also do things other people outsource including all our cleaning and home projects like painting. That's part of how we afford for me to work less (and also I enjoy those things).

When other families assume I'm available to help them with their tightly schedule dual-income multi-kid family situation they are ignoring that I actually have full and productive days as well. They assume that because I'm not doing what they are doing with their time then my time must be plentiful and less valuable.

Sometimes I offer to take kids for free if I know my kid will enjoy it. But it's not just to help other families out. They don't help me out either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM who didn't check my texts when a snow day was announced because I knew there would be a few texts from working moms asking me to take their kid all day for free. No. I do this for my kids, not your kids. It isn't my responsibility to fill in your childcare cracks. OP, you can ignore the text. It sends a message and that message is go find another sucker.

Yes heaven forbid you help your community on the 1 or 2 snow days a year 🙄 I’ve been both a sahm and wohm and I don’t get people like you. I want to be a good friend and community member and help where I can and it costs me little to nothing. I’ve done 100% of the driving for an activity for my kid and a classmate bc otherwise the classmate couldn’t do it - what’s the sense in that? It was fun to hear their convo. Those parents work like crazy and will never be able to pay back on rides, but so what.

You get the friends and community you earn - I have very valued friendships, people that care deeply about my children even if they never once give them a ride, and a community that provided immeasurable emotional and practical support when we had a major family crisis. But yeah you keep making sure you’re not taken advantage of the one or two days a year (and no I’m not that person calling you and trying to justify it- we have paid help that we rely on when needed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM who didn't check my texts when a snow day was announced because I knew there would be a few texts from working moms asking me to take their kid all day for free. No. I do this for my kids, not your kids. It isn't my responsibility to fill in your childcare cracks. OP, you can ignore the text. It sends a message and that message is go find another sucker.

Yes heaven forbid you help your community on the 1 or 2 snow days a year 🙄 I’ve been both a sahm and wohm and I don’t get people like you. I want to be a good friend and community member and help where I can and it costs me little to nothing. I’ve done 100% of the driving for an activity for my kid and a classmate bc otherwise the classmate couldn’t do it - what’s the sense in that? It was fun to hear their convo. Those parents work like crazy and will never be able to pay back on rides, but so what.

You get the friends and community you earn - I have very valued friendships, people that care deeply about my children even if they never once give them a ride, and a community that provided immeasurable emotional and practical support when we had a major family crisis. But yeah you keep making sure you’re not taken advantage of the one or two days a year (and no I’m not that person calling you and trying to justify it- we have paid help that we rely on when needed)

PP here - and no I’m not saying OP should be the neighborhood driver every day, I’d say no to that too. I like the 1:1 time with my kid then and also find that time of day very stressful in general. But it’d be very kind to offer to the first week while they sort out a plan or be an occasional backup. Saying yes to what you are willing to do doesn’t mean you have to say yes if they ask for more - you can easily offer what you feel good about and not worry about “being taken advantage of”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry that doesn't work with my schedule".

No explanation of why-leaves room for them to think they can bargain/negotiate. Slightly nicer that a flat out "no, I can't do that" but you can always fall back on this if they don't get the hint.

Agree

[Anonymous]

These responses are just crazy to me. I understand that you already have trouble getting out the door, but these are your kids actual friends right? My son was easier if he had a friend around. I would offer at least a week to see if the arrangement works. Would you say no to being an emergency contact? what about the school looses power and cancels half the day, would you watch your kids friends then? When you need a favor this is going to bite you back.

[Anonymous]

I work from home and if this was me I would tell them the truth. I often have meetings right up to - or during - the time I am walking or driving my kid to school. I can’t manage any other kids during that time.

Basically - my kid knows he can’t talk to me if my ear buds are in and my kid can grab his stuff in get in the car based on my hand signals - but I cannot manage/supervise/herd cats for other people’s kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, I'm no help because I have a very tight work schedule, especially in the mornings, with little flexibility.

Frankly, I would want to help, but I also can see how this could turn into OP kid-sitting until it's time to walk kids to school, or get picked up at the end of the day.

OP, can you verify with the school what the duration is?

I like this but could you also find a way in your schedule to do a carpool and offer that?

Start a group text and say what days you are able to do a group pick up and/or drop off and ask if they can help you on the other days.

Why? Is op going to get paid for her work? Just say no! Your job is to handle YOUR kids!