Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

There’s this thing called…life insurance.

Look at the details of your life insurance policy and you will find it sucks

If you buy life insurance from reputable companies, no, it doesn’t suck. I have been through this for three relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With 40-50% of marriages ending in divorce financial security is a huge issue for a SAHM. You need to get very involved with your family finances and goal setting. You need to know where the money is and how it’s invested. Make sure to have a high family savings rate to build your net worth well beyond the equity value in your home.

The divorce rate actually varies a lot by education level and age at marriage. The divorce rate for college grads is 25%, goes down if you marry later and is lower among people with advanced degrees.

Yes, you need to consider your financial security -- maintain job ties, good life insurance, post-nup -- but it's not accurate to say that all marriages have basically a 50/50 shot of survival so anyone who trusts their husband is deluded.

When I look around at the many couples I've known since my late 20s/early 30s (we're now mid-50s) there are only a handful who have divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so dependent on money.

I’m a huge believer that I brought kids into the world and it’s not an easy world to be successful in so unless I can pay for college tuition in full and save enough to help them buy first home, then I have no business sitting on my *ss bc they didn’t ask to be born and I don’t want them to spend their lives desperately trying to claw their way onto the bottom rung of the real estate ladder.

If that also resonates with you then maximize your income up until such a point as you have all that covered plus your own retirement etc

I love this. Your kids are very lucky to have you as a parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?


That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

The great majority of the SAHMs I knew when I was a SAHM with preschool children returned to work when the kids were in elementary school, including myself. My kids know I was at home when they were little but don't really remember it. They know me more as a working mom.
You can do different things throughout your life.

+1. Being a SAHM for part of your kid’s childhood doesn’t mean you are foresaking paid work for the rest of your life….

Its always so weird when I read these threads. It is possible and common for SAHMs to return to the workforce. So a lot of "advice" is not applicable.

DCUM seems to think it’s common and easy to go back to a great job after being out of the workforce for 10 years but in my own life I have never seen it happen a single time outside of a few specific professions: nurse/OT/PT or teacher. A couple women tried to retrain for some new field with very limited success and they earn basically nothing but keep themselves busy (which is fine if they don’t need the money obviously). One is going back for a masters in social work and I think she’s going to do great. But acting like it’s common across all professions is not at all consistent with what I have observed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you educated and a professional woman in a decent job before becoming a SAHM? In that case, I can see it being harder to get back into the labor market at anything approaching your current/previous level.

DC job market is competitive -- there are a million educated, talented, smart people around. Why would someone hire someone else who'd been home for five years? You just wouldn't be very completive.

I had no problem returning to the workforce. I'm sure it varies by industry/role but this idea that it is impossible is outdated. I know several women who have done the same. We are in different industries but none of us had a problem finding a job after staying home for a period of time.

Did you return to a senior role, with perks?

This was my basic math— I took two years maternity leave, but didn’t leave my job. My job includes travel and other things I can experience with my kids. I do not want my kids to think women do primarily domestic work, but it could be equally damaging for them to think, Dad has a secretary, Mom IS a secretary.

[Anonymous]

It’s very hard. Of course you want to give your children financial security. But I also wanted to give them as much emotional security as possible in this world where anxiety almost feels inevitable and paid caregiving is about as valued as fast food work.

I was in low cost daycare starting at 3 months, then lord of the flies-style aftercare. I know it’s not the best start for a child’s developing nervous system. My amazing mom couldn’t afford a different option, but I could and felt it was worth the tradeoffs—which are real but not insurmountable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very hard. Of course you want to give your children financial security. But I also wanted to give them as much emotional security as possible in this world where anxiety almost feels inevitable and paid caregiving is about as valued as fast food work.

I was in low cost daycare starting at 3 months, then lord of the flies-style aftercare. I know it’s not the best start for a child’s developing nervous system. My amazing mom couldn’t afford a different option, but I could and felt it was worth the tradeoffs—which are real but not insurmountable

uh there is a middle ground between lord of the flies and you staying home full time.

[Anonymous]

There isn’t a middle ground for everyone. If a woman makes 55-80k and has poor mat leave, the daycare isn’t going to be amazing or start after age 1.

The toughest aspect of this is that some kids really can thrive in any childcare setting, while others will be flooded with stress hormones during their most formative years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

There’s this thing called…life insurance.

Look at the details of your life insurance policy and you will find it sucks

If you buy life insurance from reputable companies, no, it doesn’t suck. I have been through this for three relatives.

Life insurance is great but it doesn't always spare you from bankruptcy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t a middle ground for everyone. If a woman makes 55-80k and has poor mat leave, the daycare isn’t going to be amazing or start after age 1.

The toughest aspect of this is that some kids really can thrive in any childcare setting, while others will be flooded with stress hormones during their most formative years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?


That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

The great majority of the SAHMs I knew when I was a SAHM with preschool children returned to work when the kids were in elementary school, including myself. My kids know I was at home when they were little but don't really remember it. They know me more as a working mom.
You can do different things throughout your life.

+1. Being a SAHM for part of your kid’s childhood doesn’t mean you are foresaking paid work for the rest of your life….

Its always so weird when I read these threads. It is possible and common for SAHMs to return to the workforce. So a lot of "advice" is not applicable.

DCUM seems to think it’s common and easy to go back to a great job after being out of the workforce for 10 years but in my own life I have never seen it happen a single time outside of a few specific professions: nurse/OT/PT or teacher. A couple women tried to retrain for some new field with very limited success and they earn basically nothing but keep themselves busy (which is fine if they don’t need the money obviously). One is going back for a masters in social work and I think she’s going to do great. But acting like it’s common across all professions is not at all consistent with what I have observed.

+1

In my experience this is true. It tends to work if the woman was relatively established in her career and was out less than 5 years and kept current with the field

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you educated and a professional woman in a decent job before becoming a SAHM? In that case, I can see it being harder to get back into the labor market at anything approaching your current/previous level.

DC job market is competitive -- there are a million educated, talented, smart people around. Why would someone hire someone else who'd been home for five years? You just wouldn't be very completive.

I had no problem returning to the workforce. I'm sure it varies by industry/role but this idea that it is impossible is outdated. I know several women who have done the same. We are in different industries but none of us had a problem finding a job after staying home for a period of time.

Did you return to a senior role, with perks?

This was my basic math— I took two years maternity leave, but didn’t leave my job. My job includes travel and other things I can experience with my kids. I do not want my kids to think women do primarily domestic work, but it could be equally damaging for them to think, Dad has a secretary, Mom IS a secretary.

It’s kind of sad that you assign value to humans based on their careers. That is what you are teaching your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t a middle ground for everyone. If a woman makes 55-80k and has poor mat leave, the daycare isn’t going to be amazing or start after age 1.

The toughest aspect of this is that some kids really can thrive in any childcare setting, while others will be flooded with stress hormones during their most formative years.

If a woman is married to a guy making enough for her to stay home in dc, then it’s on her if she’s only making 55k by the time she has kids. Save for teaching, anyone with a college degree can target 80k out of college. So if 5-10 years later, you’re sitting at 60k, that’s a choice you made.

Of course, anecdotally, I think that’s exactly it. Some women start to drag their feet in their careers as early as 25. Baby comes along and, oh, how convenient, it doesn’t make financial sense for mom to go back to work. Three years passes, and it still doesn’t make any sense. But those same women come on here and reassure themselves that they could go back to work if they wanted. Well, yes, because they left a low level non profit job that will hire anyone. Those women are also the ones on here ranting about all of our jobs being meaningless for society at large and apparently just “paper pushing” (to quote someone who called it that three times upthread). And also like to rant that staying home is harder than working (well, yes, relative to their old boring job). A lot of sahms are from this self selected group that never really had it in them to work. And those are the ones who seem to think there are no downsides (to the OP’s original question).

I also have a lot of friends who were on a great career path when they had kids, and genuinely struggled with the decision to stay home. It was usually made in the larger context of their spouse making the same or more money, long hours, work travel schedules, etc, where two people working those schedules was killing them. They didn’t decide to stay home because of some ideal about kids being better off with mom at home. But those ones still struggle with their decision, and won’t come on a thread like this saying it’s all roses.

[Anonymous]

It’s important that your DCs see you in a career that you enjoy. You are a role model to them. Also, your spouse can get cancer or other terrible terminal illness out of the blue and then die. If you are already financially stable with a terrific job, it’s one huge stress release in a chaotic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you educated and a professional woman in a decent job before becoming a SAHM? In that case, I can see it being harder to get back into the labor market at anything approaching your current/previous level.

DC job market is competitive -- there are a million educated, talented, smart people around. Why would someone hire someone else who'd been home for five years? You just wouldn't be very completive.

I had no problem returning to the workforce. I'm sure it varies by industry/role but this idea that it is impossible is outdated. I know several women who have done the same. We are in different industries but none of us had a problem finding a job after staying home for a period of time.

Did you return to a senior role, with perks?

This was my basic math— I took two years maternity leave, but didn’t leave my job. My job includes travel and other things I can experience with my kids. I do not want my kids to think women do primarily domestic work, but it could be equally damaging for them to think, Dad has a secretary, Mom IS a secretary.

It’s kind of sad that you assign value to humans based on their careers. That is what you are teaching your kids.

Teaching children that they can strive to be anything they want and not have to settle is not sad.