DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bar and bat mitzvah have no spiritual meaning anymore , it’s all about the party and it’s the fault of the parents trying to out do one another.

This, but it is the result of so much money/power in the DC area. I saw that personally at most of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's our family attended over the years. We belong to "that" temple and chose differently with a lovely family dinner at a white table cloth restaurant following the evening service. Just close friends of our DS and family members at one of our favorite family restaurants that we usually go to for special celebrations. We had a back yard summer party for DS's friends with music and food trucks, but it was done on the cheap compared to other parties DS attended that year. I wish others would low key it like we did as it truly placed the emphasis with our DS on the importance of the moment rather than the party. And for what it's worth, I felt pressure to do the back yard party because everyone else expected it. Still lovely and great memories, just glad we did not rent out the entire four seasons lower level for a children's game room, adult card room, dining and cocktail bar for a bunch of thirteen year olds. Yes, this really happened.

I think you’ve been drinking some political kool aid to think these celebrations are about power. Having a low key celebration is great if that’s what you and your family want. It does not give more emphasis to the service and the milestone if you have a smaller party vs a bigger party, just as a smaller wedding doesn’t give more or less emphasis to the marriage compared to a bigger wedding. My child has worked his tail off this year to prepare and has pulled back on some social and extracurriculars in order to go above and beyond on his Hebrew prep, dvar Torah, mitzvah project, etc. We are proud of him, we love big parties, most family is traveling a far distance to be with us and I want to graciously host everyone who is making an effort to support my child in a way that is authentic to me and to our family. It is wonderful if your family would find a dinner at a beloved restaurant and a backyard party the perfect fit for your child. The good news is you get to pick for you and we get to pick for us. No need to compare or disparage the choices of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

We did not accept any gifts, donations were made anonymously to a charity chosen by our child, and this was our child's decision. It's not always a gift grab.

So you had charitable money grab instead of a gift grab.

What place or culture do you come from where gifts are not a thing? In every culture around the globe there are customs where people give to one another at holidays, birthdays, milestones, etc. This is no different and to call it a gift grab is offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

The bolded part is very true. Socially, many rich kids like OP's kid might be better off in a good large public with money spent on outside enrichment, rather than an elite private school that although it provides a very academically enriching environment is also very toxic social-wise.

I was just thinking this as I was reading the thread. I went to a small private school in a different metro area through 8th grade. I had plenty of friends but looking back, those who were shy, different etc. were probably having a very hard time, there was essentially one large friend group. My parents moved both my sibling and me into larger catholic schools for high school that had a much more diverse socioeconomic populations because they thought the transition to college would be hard from such a small school. I can't think of anyone who didn't have a friend group in my grade in high school.

People with an extremely high level of wealth sometimes use it as an excuse to act however they want. Money doesn't equal class and it certainly does not provide people with an inclusive social viewpoint.

OP - my heart really goes out to your son. I hope that in two weeks this is a distant memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

Maybe, but I'm actually trying to help. I don't think OP or her child staying in this mentality is actually going to serve them well the next 5 years.

Agree. They're adopting a victim mentality instead of potentially owning that there might be a reason they didn't get invited. In my experience, kids that are invited to MS events are other friends or fun kids. If you're neither, well, be prepared to miss out on outside of school events after elementary school. Such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

Maybe, but I'm actually trying to help. I don't think OP or her child staying in this mentality is actually going to serve them well the next 5 years.

Agree. They're adopting a victim mentality instead of potentially owning that there might be a reason they didn't get invited. In my experience, kids that are invited to MS events are other friends or fun kids. If you're neither, well, be prepared to miss out on outside of school events after elementary school. Such is life.

No.

[Anonymous]

This actually happened to me in middle school. There were only 2 Jewish kids at my private (both boys) and I didn't get invited to either celebration. At the time I remember feeling embarrassed when I found out, but thankfully there wasn't any social media in the 90s so I wasn't bombarded with photos and videos online. But I do remember people talking about it at school the weeks after it occurred. It stung.

I didn't say anything to my parents so they didn't know. I tried to keep my head up and act like it didn't bother me. I would recommend doing something special with your DC on the night of the event to help them take their mind off of it. Sometimes there is a limit to the number of invites, sometimes the parents are too involved in who gets asked, sometimes you're just overlooked. I am sorry this is happening. I hope your DC can brush it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

Are you going to start hating on all Jews next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

We did not accept any gifts, donations were made anonymously to a charity chosen by our child, and this was our child's decision. It's not always a gift grab.

So you had charitable money grab instead of a gift grab.

What place or culture do you come from where gifts are not a thing? In every culture around the globe there are customs where people give to one another at holidays, birthdays, milestones, etc. This is no different and to call it a gift grab is offensive.

People refer to all those things you listed as gift grabs too. Big baby shower, gift grab, kids party that doesn’t insist on no gifts, gift grab, wedding shower, gift & money grab, huge graduation party, money grab. This is no different.

[Anonymous]

It's life, and ok to feel bad and nurse his wounds in some way. Tell him you'd like to take him somewhere he likes that evening and maybe invite a friend that's not going to the party. We recently left some kids out of a party and ds felt really badly about it but was trying to keep the numbers down. I decided we should keep birthday celebrations to 1-2 kids from now on. I can't stand kids feeling left out even though they really do get over it quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

100% agree. Sorry OP. This is not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

We did not accept any gifts, donations were made anonymously to a charity chosen by our child, and this was our child's decision. It's not always a gift grab.

So you had charitable money grab instead of a gift grab.

What place or culture do you come from where gifts are not a thing? In every culture around the globe there are customs where people give to one another at holidays, birthdays, milestones, etc. This is no different and to call it a gift grab is offensive.

People refer to all those things you listed as gift grabs too. Big baby shower, gift grab, kids party that doesn’t insist on no gifts, gift grab, wedding shower, gift & money grab, huge graduation party, money grab. This is no different.

DP
We're damned if we say "no gifts please" and damned if we say nothing and accept gifts. Some of us truly want to have a celebration for the sake of gathering, I agree that calling it a gift grab is ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

100% agree. Sorry OP. This is not ok.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

Maybe, but I'm actually trying to help. I don't think OP or her child staying in this mentality is actually going to serve them well the next 5 years.

Agree. They're adopting a victim mentality instead of potentially owning that there might be a reason they didn't get invited. In my experience, kids that are invited to MS events are other friends or fun kids. If you're neither, well, be prepared to miss out on outside of school events after elementary school. Such is life.

No.

Right, the kids who are Debbie downers are at the top of the list. -dp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

Maybe, but I'm actually trying to help. I don't think OP or her child staying in this mentality is actually going to serve them well the next 5 years.

Agree. They're adopting a victim mentality instead of potentially owning that there might be a reason they didn't get invited. In my experience, kids that are invited to MS events are other friends or fun kids. If you're neither, well, be prepared to miss out on outside of school events after elementary school. Such is life.

"Fun kids" is code for the ones with permissive parents. While they are quite popular, I'm not so sure OP to stoop being a "fun kid" parent just to help her kid score more invites. You also tend to score a lot of invites to the police station and principal's office.

[Anonymous]

Send him to a title one school, where no one is throwing multi-thousand dollar parties