DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Op- I’m sorry to hear this. We did an all-class party (small class, fewer than 50 kids).

[Anonymous]

Bar and bat mitzvah have no spiritual meaning anymore , it’s all about the party and it’s the fault of the parents trying to out do one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bar and bat mitzvah have no spiritual meaning anymore , it’s all about the party and it’s the fault of the parents trying to out do one another.

As an agnostic, I can definitely say that my niece’s bar mitzvah had spiritual meaning to her and her parents.

[Anonymous]

Just because the party is OTT doesn’t mean that there’s no meaning to the mitzvah. The parting temple takes a ton of work for the kid; writing the essay where they talk about their Torah portion takes thought; having intergenerational people all in one place in a family; doing something hard in another language in front of everyone you know. There are a lot of things that are meaningful at the service. Meaning doesn’t have to be carried into a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

Not in middle school.

NP. Our small, private DC middle school has policies against this type of thing.

I'd be curious to understand what your schools policies are.
By middle school, it is time for these kids to learn these lessons. It definitely stinks when it's your kid (BTDT) but coddling kids makes it worse once the policy is lifted at an older age.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard. MS is a hard time. He may feel left out that day. Its horrible when kids bring wear swag on Mondays. Just give it time. No one cares after a while. No one will care or remember who was there or not by 9th grade.

[Anonymous]

My daughter told me about girls who were befriending a girl because they wanted to be invited to her bat mitzvah. They were so nice and sweet for months leading up to it. Got the invite and dropped her like a hot potato after the party. DD said it was hard to watch the fakeness and insincerity. It’s a hard time in MS.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bar and bat mitzvah have no spiritual meaning anymore , it’s all about the party and it’s the fault of the parents trying to out do one another.

This, but it is the result of so much money/power in the DC area. I saw that personally at most of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's our family attended over the years. We belong to "that" temple and chose differently with a lovely family dinner at a white table cloth restaurant following the evening service. Just close friends of our DS and family members at one of our favorite family restaurants that we usually go to for special celebrations. We had a back yard summer party for DS's friends with music and food trucks, but it was done on the cheap compared to other parties DS attended that year. I wish others would low key it like we did as it truly placed the emphasis with our DS on the importance of the moment rather than the party. And for what it's worth, I felt pressure to do the back yard party because everyone else expected it. Still lovely and great memories, just glad we did not rent out the entire four seasons lower level for a children's game room, adult card room, dining and cocktail bar for a bunch of thirteen year olds. Yes, this really happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

We did not accept any gifts, donations were made anonymously to a charity chosen by our child, and this was our child's decision. It's not always a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

The bolded part is very true. Socially, many rich kids like OP's kid might be better off in a good large public with money spent on outside enrichment, rather than an elite private school that although it provides a very academically enriching environment is also very toxic social-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just a gift grab anyways, that money is better spent on your son.

We did not accept any gifts, donations were made anonymously to a charity chosen by our child, and this was our child's decision. It's not always a gift grab.

So you had charitable money grab instead of a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry, I don't care if the family has billions of dollars. That's a gross observation. It doesn't matter how over the top this is or how spiritual it is for the family, they have a right to do whatever they want to do. This is your failure. It is your job to help your child be well-adjusted socially. Facilitating hangouts starting with elementary School play dates, getting them involved with extracurriculars outside of school, doing meaningful things with cousins and extended family, quality time with siblings, etc. You do the things you have to do to build up your child so they feel confident.

Sorry I know that's really harsh but when you bring the family's net worth into it and take into account that these are teenagers, it's just getting ridiculous. The ship sailed on inviting the whole class a long time ago, and if you put your socially disadvantaged child in a snobby private school, shame on you.

Found the a55hole parent.

Maybe, but I'm actually trying to help. I don't think OP or her child staying in this mentality is actually going to serve them well the next 5 years.