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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, thank you to everyone who has responded…I am reading and rereading your responses even if not responding individually. I really want to thank the people who have first of all offered support and validation, but have urged counseling - I feel kind of resistant to start that process, but also think I probably do really need to do it…I feel completely f*cked up and sickened over this, and it’s not just shaking off. Those of you who shared that healing took years and you wish you’d started the process earlier: thank you.

A few people have asked what our relationship is like in general, and that’s a good question / one I feel like I didn’t really address in my original panicked post. It’s hard to type this because it now feels disingenuous and I’m questioning everything I thought I knew/felt. And mostly i just feel so ANGRY that it’s hard to make myself type anything positive about him. But if you asked me 3 days ago I would have said he’s a pretty great partner and a great dad too. He works more hours than me, but he’s pretty darn involved - he puts the kids to bed every night, he either makes or cleans up after dinner every night, he is present and involved with the kids. We’re both exhausted lately and nothing is perfect, but in general he’s a supportive partner and I’d unequivocally say he really tries. Overall he listens to / HEARS me, which is something that I had complaints about early on and maybe doesn’t come naturally, but he’s made a serious effort and stepped it up. He’s not perfect but he’s definitely never done anything like this before and I think that’s part of why I was so unprepared - I keep looking back and hating myself for not just SCREAMING and kicking the ever living hell out of him or something…I know he was really drunk and we wouldn’t be in this situation if it had really been stopped. The moment I keep coming back to is one during when we were having sex, he asked if I wanted it harder and I said, “I don’t want to do THIS at ALL” and he kept going. I think that’s what bothers me more than anything, because it’s just so unequivocal and he didn’t care at all. But point being, that really was uncharacteristic when it comes to our overall relationship. There is a slim to fully zero chance he’s drinking more / in private. He did get too drunk that night, and like a PP theorized I do fully believe he could have been in a complete blackout. Which yes is absolutely worrisome / never okay for a man in his 40s, but I will also say I don’t remember the last time that (him getting sloppy drunk) happened…3/4 years ago? Which I’m not excusing as okay, but I’m positive if I ask him to stop drinking entirely, he will. It’s part of his life in the way that it’s part of a lot of people’s social life, but it’s not something he can’t live without or anything. But in general we have had a good and pretty healthy relationship, and while not perfect he’s been a good guy - this was very out of character. Re sex, the long and short of it is we go through phases, and during the pregnancy (as with each pregnancy) we didn’t have much sex. It’s fair to say that postpartum we generally take awhile to get back to a normal, regular rhythm - and he usually doesn’t strongly push or press the issue. We’ve gone through periods of essential sexlessness for a few months here and there in the past. This is our planned last baby and I’ve definitely noticed he’s been more interested in resuming sex this time - I wonder if there’s some sort of subconscious part of him that wants to ensure the tone is set that we don’t slip into a low-sex frequency dynamic while this baby is young, as has happened in the past? Or maybe he just has a higher drive lately, I’m not sure and I don’t know why

We are currently visiting family (hence the big sibling night out) and have been talking only minimally/transactionally - I know we need to talk further but am hesitant to do so here.

I currently feel completely repulsed by him, and filled with anger. I think I’m as good at selectively lying to myself as needed as anyone, but this is feeling less and less like something I can just fake my way through, which sucks. I don’t want to overreact or blow up my family, or ruin my children’s lives or make them lose the stable home and existence we’ve worked hard to create (with two parents who love them very much) because one of them got drunk and really messed up, but as of now I really can’t see myself ever feeling anything resembling affection towards him again.

I will take people’s advice and seek counseling, even though the very step of trying to find someone to talk to seems daunting. Just to clarify: I can be completely honest with the therapist, correct? “Mandated reporting” doesn’t apply here?[/quote]

OP I'm a therapist. Check with your state, only some include domestic violence in mandated reporting. Mine does not. [/quote]

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