Anyone else lose their groove during Covid with young kids and still not have it back?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Mmm, pretty sure my young school-aged kids could attend school before the pandemic. Suddenly, school became not only optional, but something no decent parent had a right to expect. As PPs have said, you weren't dealing with young kids during the pandemic - just as I don't know what it was like to parent teens during that time period, you don't know what it was like to parent toddlers or preschoolers or kindergartners.

They were in elementary. But I just find this whole younger generation of parents SO effing whiny. Everything is unfair and harder for them than everyone else. Blah blah blah. Deal with it.

And how old are you? Either you're in your 50s/60s with much older kids, in which case you have no idea at all what it was like to parent young kids through the pandemic, or you're in your late 40s and just a few years older but complaining about this "younger generation" of parents which is ridiculous.

I’m 43. And y’all are really whiny.

I'm the older NP from the prior page. I'm not at all whiny in my real life, but this seems like a safe space to share with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Perhaps you should find another thread.

The PP needs to find another thread to commiserate with other people who are so unhappy that they feel better by sneering at people who are struggling with something. Of everyone who has posted on here, the 43 year old calling other parents “whiny” for sharing their feelings is the person who needs help the most. This is truly abnormal and not something happy people do.

It’d be like someone with a high metabolism gloating when others are sharing their struggles with weight gain. Or someone claiming mental illness is just made up when someone talks about their depression.

I find people who lack empathy (and even worse, enjoy sneaking on others who are down) to be sad human beings.

“My kid just started kindergarten and it feels like I should be moving forward, but I'm still just kind of getting by regarding work, parenting, and a bunch of other stuff (financial planning, deciding if we're going to move or fix up our current house, deciding if I'm going to make a turn in my career I've been contemplating for a while), I am just making no progress on. Same story regarding stuff like my health, maintaining friendships and building our social network, developing a hobbie, etc. I just feel kind of stuck?”

Absolutely none of this has to do with Covid. OP can’t just sign up for a hobby or call up a friend?

Literally every single parent hits this type of crossroad.

OP here. I do struggle to sign up for a hobby. I feel so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't have the same friend supports as I did pre-Covid -- the pandemic changed my relationships and have made it harder for me to maintain those friendships. Or maybe I was so stressed I just dropped that ball.

I don't understand what the point is of telling me over and over that "Covid has nothing to do with this." I'm just sharing my experience, which is that I felt things were moving forward before Covid, and then Covid was a big, stressful pause, and now I'm in a different place and I don't know which way is up.

Why is it so important to you that this NOT be about Covid? What is helpful about your comments. I'm sure a lot of it is just stage of life and have said as much multiple times in this thread, even thanking a poster who said it was just having a kindergartener because that makes me feel more normal.

I don't understand why this thread is now a referendum on whether I'm allowed to feel the way I do. I'm thinking about just asking Jeff to delete the whole thread because I posted here because I was feeling pretty crappy and looking for an outlet, but these comments are just making me feel worse.

Thanks for nothing, DCUM.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you have already said so -- but have you looked into therapy, medication? It could prove so helpful. Please know I say that with the upmost kindness, as this last post in particular hints at depression (so tired, just wanting to sleep...). Take care OP! There is nothing wrong with wanting commiseration sometimes!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

Women used to be in charge of this but now we are all on Teams calls or at an office. There are only 24 hours in a day and you can’t be at 2 places at once. Women increasingly want to be paid for their labor and volunteering for community events pays $0.

A lot of the breakdown in community is because more UMC women are working. My own mother had an active social life in our neighborhood with many mothers staying home and present during the day. I’m in a similar SES group but most mothers are working and not actively involved in the community.

[Anonymous]

Np here. Op so much of what you are describing resonates with me and I think the majority of the people responding. Report away but please don’t ask Jeff to delete the thread because of a few bad apples.

[Anonymous]

I see you, OP. I was in the same place 6 months ago, but am starting to feel like myself again. It happened bit by bit, not at all once, as I started taking little steps.

I set up a regular walking date with a friend. For a while, that was the only effort I could manage friendwise, but over time I started adding in more social things.

I cut back on drinking and started properly addressing my depression/anxiety through first counseling and then counseling + Prozac.

I started talking with my friends about how COVID really sent me for a loop. It turns out that almost every single one of the parents I know feels the same.

I started thinking hard about what I want the next phase of my career to look like and taking baby steps to get there.

I stopped listening to the news non-stop and now limit myself to a 15-minute news podcast every morning. The rest of the time I listen to music or podcasts that interest me.

I went back to a hobby that I love that was curtailed by COVID. I am not at the level that I was, but it feels really good to be back at it.

Finally, and I appreciate the irony of this comment, I quit DCUM. Obviously, I have not succeeded completely, but I have made a very active effort to avoid this site. When I spend even a modest amount of time here, I noticed that I feel terrible. Not sure if its DCUM or me, but the combo is bad.

My suggestion, would be to just start today with something small and try to keep it up for a while. When you are ready, add another small thing. Bit by bit, you will get there. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Mmm, pretty sure my young school-aged kids could attend school before the pandemic. Suddenly, school became not only optional, but something no decent parent had a right to expect. As PPs have said, you weren't dealing with young kids during the pandemic - just as I don't know what it was like to parent teens during that time period, you don't know what it was like to parent toddlers or preschoolers or kindergartners.

They were in elementary. But I just find this whole younger generation of parents SO effing whiny. Everything is unfair and harder for them than everyone else. Blah blah blah. Deal with it.

And how old are you? Either you're in your 50s/60s with much older kids, in which case you have no idea at all what it was like to parent young kids through the pandemic, or you're in your late 40s and just a few years older but complaining about this "younger generation" of parents which is ridiculous.

I’m 43. And y’all are really whiny.

I'm the older NP from the prior page. I'm not at all whiny in my real life, but this seems like a safe space to share with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Perhaps you should find another thread.

The PP needs to find another thread to commiserate with other people who are so unhappy that they feel better by sneering at people who are struggling with something. Of everyone who has posted on here, the 43 year old calling other parents “whiny” for sharing their feelings is the person who needs help the most. This is truly abnormal and not something happy people do.

It’d be like someone with a high metabolism gloating when others are sharing their struggles with weight gain. Or someone claiming mental illness is just made up when someone talks about their depression.

I find people who lack empathy (and even worse, enjoy sneaking on others who are down) to be sad human beings.

“My kid just started kindergarten and it feels like I should be moving forward, but I'm still just kind of getting by regarding work, parenting, and a bunch of other stuff (financial planning, deciding if we're going to move or fix up our current house, deciding if I'm going to make a turn in my career I've been contemplating for a while), I am just making no progress on. Same story regarding stuff like my health, maintaining friendships and building our social network, developing a hobbie, etc. I just feel kind of stuck?”

Absolutely none of this has to do with Covid. OP can’t just sign up for a hobby or call up a friend?

Literally every single parent hits this type of crossroad.

OP here. I do struggle to sign up for a hobby. I feel so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't have the same friend supports as I did pre-Covid -- the pandemic changed my relationships and have made it harder for me to maintain those friendships. Or maybe I was so stressed I just dropped that ball.

I don't understand what the point is of telling me over and over that "Covid has nothing to do with this." I'm just sharing my experience, which is that I felt things were moving forward before Covid, and then Covid was a big, stressful pause, and now I'm in a different place and I don't know which way is up.

Why is it so important to you that this NOT be about Covid? What is helpful about your comments. I'm sure a lot of it is just stage of life and have said as much multiple times in this thread, even thanking a poster who said it was just having a kindergartener because that makes me feel more normal.

I don't understand why this thread is now a referendum on whether I'm allowed to feel the way I do. I'm thinking about just asking Jeff to delete the whole thread because I posted here because I was feeling pretty crappy and looking for an outlet, but these comments are just making me feel worse.

Thanks for nothing, DCUM.

This also really resonates with me. I’m fairly introverted so it took me a while after moving to the DC area to build up a small group of friends that I would get together with somewhat regularly. However obviously these get togethers halted during the early stages of the pandemic and juggling work/lack of childcare (mine were 5 and 3 in 2020) didn’t leave much bandwidth to try to maintain relationships over zoom etc.

Even after things started to open back up, the challenges of navigating different comfort levels with in person meet up’s and the continued stress of school closures, quarantines made a lot of these relationships just fizzle out and I just don’t have the energy to try to start over in building up a social circle, although I miss it.

[Anonymous]

I just think this loneliness/lack of community has been building for a long time, long before the pandemic. The pandemic made it worse of course, but people are just increasingly self-focused while at the same time feeling judged/compared to others, all thanks to social media. People feel like they are failing or doing something wrong when they are not, just some fake influencers are acting like they have it all when they don't. This is the HGTV effect, the Pinterest cooking/birthday party effect, the "look at me I have three kids and am still the height of fashion" effect. Its fake, ITS NOT REAL and yet it puts this incredible pressure on women to be ALL THESE THINGS or else THEY SUCK.

It takes a crazy and I mean crazy amount of willpower to try to ignore this. I am so grateful to my spouse for having so much more clarity on this than I do. He is the one constantly telling me "We are fine, our house is fine, our kids are fine, our ugly kitchen that is 100% functional IS FINE."

Godspeed ladies because I don't see it improving any time soon.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Mmm, pretty sure my young school-aged kids could attend school before the pandemic. Suddenly, school became not only optional, but something no decent parent had a right to expect. As PPs have said, you weren't dealing with young kids during the pandemic - just as I don't know what it was like to parent teens during that time period, you don't know what it was like to parent toddlers or preschoolers or kindergartners.

They were in elementary. But I just find this whole younger generation of parents SO effing whiny. Everything is unfair and harder for them than everyone else. Blah blah blah. Deal with it.

And how old are you? Either you're in your 50s/60s with much older kids, in which case you have no idea at all what it was like to parent young kids through the pandemic, or you're in your late 40s and just a few years older but complaining about this "younger generation" of parents which is ridiculous.

I’m 43. And y’all are really whiny.

I'm the older NP from the prior page. I'm not at all whiny in my real life, but this seems like a safe space to share with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Perhaps you should find another thread.

The PP needs to find another thread to commiserate with other people who are so unhappy that they feel better by sneering at people who are struggling with something. Of everyone who has posted on here, the 43 year old calling other parents “whiny” for sharing their feelings is the person who needs help the most. This is truly abnormal and not something happy people do.

It’d be like someone with a high metabolism gloating when others are sharing their struggles with weight gain. Or someone claiming mental illness is just made up when someone talks about their depression.

I find people who lack empathy (and even worse, enjoy sneaking on others who are down) to be sad human beings.

“My kid just started kindergarten and it feels like I should be moving forward, but I'm still just kind of getting by regarding work, parenting, and a bunch of other stuff (financial planning, deciding if we're going to move or fix up our current house, deciding if I'm going to make a turn in my career I've been contemplating for a while), I am just making no progress on. Same story regarding stuff like my health, maintaining friendships and building our social network, developing a hobbie, etc. I just feel kind of stuck?”

Absolutely none of this has to do with Covid. OP can’t just sign up for a hobby or call up a friend?

Literally every single parent hits this type of crossroad.

OP here. I do struggle to sign up for a hobby. I feel so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't have the same friend supports as I did pre-Covid -- the pandemic changed my relationships and have made it harder for me to maintain those friendships. Or maybe I was so stressed I just dropped that ball.

I don't understand what the point is of telling me over and over that "Covid has nothing to do with this." I'm just sharing my experience, which is that I felt things were moving forward before Covid, and then Covid was a big, stressful pause, and now I'm in a different place and I don't know which way is up.

Why is it so important to you that this NOT be about Covid? What is helpful about your comments. I'm sure a lot of it is just stage of life and have said as much multiple times in this thread, even thanking a poster who said it was just having a kindergartener because that makes me feel more normal.

I don't understand why this thread is now a referendum on whether I'm allowed to feel the way I do. I'm thinking about just asking Jeff to delete the whole thread because I posted here because I was feeling pretty crappy and looking for an outlet, but these comments are just making me feel worse.

Thanks for nothing, DCUM.

This also really resonates with me. I’m fairly introverted so it took me a while after moving to the DC area to build up a small group of friends that I would get together with somewhat regularly. However obviously these get togethers halted during the early stages of the pandemic and juggling work/lack of childcare (mine were 5 and 3 in 2020) didn’t leave much bandwidth to try to maintain relationships over zoom etc.

Even after things started to open back up, the challenges of navigating different comfort levels with in person meet up’s and the continued stress of school closures, quarantines made a lot of these relationships just fizzle out and I just don’t have the energy to try to start over in building up a social circle, although I miss it.

That part really resonates with me too. I posted earlier that we were not in anyone’s pod and I feel like a lot of people pruned their social circles (understandably!!) either to prevent exposure or because they were just so busy. And it turned out we didn’t make the cut for almost anyone. To be fair I was mostly focused on finding other children for my kid to interact with (and being depressed when I failed over and over) and neglected my own local friendships which were not super strong to start. I have to work really hard to put myself out there at all these days, I’m a way I didn’t struggle with before. It’s getting better but slowly

[Anonymous]

So much of this thread resonates with me. We had a 4 year old home with us for the first 8 months of the pandemic - and she was wonderful, we were so lucky that she was great at independently entertaining herself (even if it made our house look like a bomb went off), but it was still incredibly mentally taxing, esp. when adding in all of the other Covid stresses (grocery availability, weighing risks of seeing older family, financial hits, extended family drama, holding down a demanding remote job). Vaccines seemed to be the light at the end of the tunnel, and we did decide on that second kid, only to have the first Omicron spike start right as she was born, so back to isolating. On the heels of that, older kid started getting hit with every imaginable virus at school - missed 30 days of school between K and 1st. So no, I don't feel like we ever came close to 'returning to normal', and my default tendency to put myself last (thanks, family of origin) has resulted in extreme burnout. Childcare options are still majorly limited, feels like we just white-knuckle it from one household infection to the next despite taking every precaution, there's almost no room for 'fun', much less self care, on the calendar...I recognize there are other people who have it harder. But for those recommending medication - honest question, how does that help when the depression and anxiety causes are very real, not merely a function of brain chemical imbalances?

[Anonymous]

My kid was in second grade when Covid hit. My H was able to transition easily to working from home, but I stopped working because the preschool I worked part-time at closed. And I'm still kind of pissed that at the end of May DCPS threw their hands in the air and said, school year is over! We'll add the time to the Fall...then never did.

I'm glad my kid was pretty successful at virtual school, but in other ways it was challenging. My H was on calls 100% of the time so I was the one to support our kid with technical difficulties or whenever he had free time. Which meant while my preschool opened, I could not work. While I wasn't raking in the dough, it was something outside the home I enjoyed. But my H literally was tied to his screen ALL DAY and didn't have the bandwidth to help our child during business hours.

I finally started talking again to an old therapist in the spring of 2021. I waited too long to do that, by then I was drinking too much wine and feeling like a monotone. That helped though I have had to add medication into the mix. Plus I started perimenopause during Covid which was a lovely addition to all the stress! But yes it has taken me a while to get back to "normal."

One thing I've learned is that experiences through Covid times vary greatly and are all valid. Maybe some had it "easier" than others. But we were all riding boats through the storm, just some had rougher waters than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much of this thread resonates with me. We had a 4 year old home with us for the first 8 months of the pandemic - and she was wonderful, we were so lucky that she was great at independently entertaining herself (even if it made our house look like a bomb went off), but it was still incredibly mentally taxing, esp. when adding in all of the other Covid stresses (grocery availability, weighing risks of seeing older family, financial hits, extended family drama, holding down a demanding remote job). Vaccines seemed to be the light at the end of the tunnel, and we did decide on that second kid, only to have the first Omicron spike start right as she was born, so back to isolating. On the heels of that, older kid started getting hit with every imaginable virus at school - missed 30 days of school between K and 1st. So no, I don't feel like we ever came close to 'returning to normal', and my default tendency to put myself last (thanks, family of origin) has resulted in extreme burnout. Childcare options are still majorly limited, feels like we just white-knuckle it from one household infection to the next despite taking every precaution, there's almost no room for 'fun', much less self care, on the calendar...I recognize there are other people who have it harder. But for those recommending medication - honest question, how does that help when the depression and anxiety causes are very real, not merely a function of brain chemical imbalances?

OP here and solidarity on being someone who puts yourself last and then has to deal with the burnout. And yes, it's something I learned very early in life. I think this is something I learned in the pandemic, what the limits of that are. But one challenge I have is that it will be like "don't put yourself last, but also we need you to do this for your kid and this for the school and this for your ILs and this for my own family, etc. etc." I have learned to say no more, but then I have to deal with people being upset with me or trying to guilt me into it anyway (extremely common with both my family and ILs and sometimes even my DH).

The other problem is that even as I get better at saying no to others, I just have no real idea of how to say yes to myself. I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. Exercise has always been a good outlet for me, but during the pandemic I began exercising mostly on my own. And now that it's possible to go back to exercise classes or rejoin a gym, they are SO expensive and it feels extravagant (not really even sure we could afford it). What I really need is more opportunities to be social and make friends but it's so hard to do that while balancing family needs and work and also finances. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I guess I am. It's just been hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of this thread resonates with me. We had a 4 year old home with us for the first 8 months of the pandemic - and she was wonderful, we were so lucky that she was great at independently entertaining herself (even if it made our house look like a bomb went off), but it was still incredibly mentally taxing, esp. when adding in all of the other Covid stresses (grocery availability, weighing risks of seeing older family, financial hits, extended family drama, holding down a demanding remote job). Vaccines seemed to be the light at the end of the tunnel, and we did decide on that second kid, only to have the first Omicron spike start right as she was born, so back to isolating. On the heels of that, older kid started getting hit with every imaginable virus at school - missed 30 days of school between K and 1st. So no, I don't feel like we ever came close to 'returning to normal', and my default tendency to put myself last (thanks, family of origin) has resulted in extreme burnout. Childcare options are still majorly limited, feels like we just white-knuckle it from one household infection to the next despite taking every precaution, there's almost no room for 'fun', much less self care, on the calendar...I recognize there are other people who have it harder. But for those recommending medication - honest question, how does that help when the depression and anxiety causes are very real, not merely a function of brain chemical imbalances?

OP here and solidarity on being someone who puts yourself last and then has to deal with the burnout. And yes, it's something I learned very early in life. I think this is something I learned in the pandemic, what the limits of that are. But one challenge I have is that it will be like "don't put yourself last, but also we need you to do this for your kid and this for the school and this for your ILs and this for my own family, etc. etc." I have learned to say no more, but then I have to deal with people being upset with me or trying to guilt me into it anyway (extremely common with both my family and ILs and sometimes even my DH).

The other problem is that even as I get better at saying no to others, I just have no real idea of how to say yes to myself. I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. Exercise has always been a good outlet for me, but during the pandemic I began exercising mostly on my own. And now that it's possible to go back to exercise classes or rejoin a gym, they are SO expensive and it feels extravagant (not really even sure we could afford it). What I really need is more opportunities to be social and make friends but it's so hard to do that while balancing family needs and work and also finances. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I guess I am. It's just been hard.

I'm the PP you responded to, and yes, same. As an example: there's a seasonal recipe I really love but no one else in my house will eat. It uses leftovers from another meal my kids like, plus one novel thing. I literally let those ingredients go bad and have to be tossed 3 times before finally making myself the recipe the 4th time, because I just didn't have the motivation to spend time and effort cooking for only me. And maybe work and housekeeping are excuses but they are also things that have to get done, either by you spending time or your family spending/losing money...and when both time and money are scarce, it's an easy choice to forgo yourself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

I'm convinced these are the same people who, during the height of pandemic shutdowns, daycare closures, indefinite remote learning, etc., were telling anyone who had a hard time that their children were "thriving." Completely pathological.

To OP and the rest of us who feel similarly: you/we aren't alone. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I don't get what's happening in the thread. I feel like I became a punching bag for people who are mad about something but I don't even know what.

You're welcome. I think it really is the same "we're THRIVING" people, the ones who either had no empathy to begin with or who lost it due to the stressors of COVID. They're putting you/us down to make themselves feel better, and because you're the OP, they're going after you. I've been there, too, and it's awful and unfair.

One thing that's helped me some is a book called "Real Self-Care," by Pooja Lakshmin. She's a psychiatrist with expertise in treating women, and the book talks explicitly about societal failures to support women and also how to work on putting yourself not last. It's a fairly quick read and for me, was worth it. Not that I have my groove back, but it's given me a bit of hope, even amidst my cynicism.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 50s with a college student and high school student with three years left of HS. I'll be 58 when the youngest is done with HS.

I thought it was just me being an older mom, but apparently not.

Yes, I find I have more trouble focusing now (menopause surely isn't helping there) and I'm mostly retired. Probably a good thing, although I still have many personal projects.

What helps me to regain focus and keep moving forward is pretty simple: moving! I go for a long walk most days, or go to the gym and hit the treadmill for 45 minutes. It does wonders for me.

I also have had to readjust my expectations of myself. I look at my life like I'm "eating the elephant". You don't eat it all in one sitting, only tiny bites every day. Sorry for the gross metaphor, but that's what I do. A little every day, manageable to-do lists where I can accomplish 95% of it and feel the win, and realizing its okay just to be and literally stop and smell the flowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think this loneliness/lack of community has been building for a long time, long before the pandemic. The pandemic made it worse of course, but people are just increasingly self-focused while at the same time feeling judged/compared to others, all thanks to social media. People feel like they are failing or doing something wrong when they are not, just some fake influencers are acting like they have it all when they don't. This is the HGTV effect, the Pinterest cooking/birthday party effect, the "look at me I have three kids and am still the height of fashion" effect. Its fake, ITS NOT REAL and yet it puts this incredible pressure on women to be ALL THESE THINGS or else THEY SUCK.

It takes a crazy and I mean crazy amount of willpower to try to ignore this. I am so grateful to my spouse for having so much more clarity on this than I do. He is the one constantly telling me "We are fine, our house is fine, our kids are fine, our ugly kitchen that is 100% functional IS FINE."

Godspeed ladies because I don't see it improving any time soon.

I'm the menopausal older mom posting above...I do think social media and HGTV have had a not-so-positive impact on younger (to me) people in their 30s and 40s in that these sources of information portray perfection.

There seems to be a rush for perfection that is impossible, and younger people are burning out in the pursuit of it. So many people in their 30s and 40s strike me as not having any joy about them. No lightness of being around the edges that I had at that age, even with kids in tow. Everything seems like a source of stress to them? As if they're thinking, "Another thing on my plate to try to make look perfect." They seem to have a harder time letting the smallest of things go, too? Carrying around anger over small stuff just weighs you down, it's important to find a way to let it go. To feel frustrated instead of angry.

It's as if our culture is in a huge "gotcha!" moment where people are constantly scanning everyone else for social infractions until they find one. Haha, gotcha! It's become a "reporting culture" where any complaint no matter how small can be registered online on Yelp, social media, comment threads, and on and on. No one wants a gotcha, gotta look perfect at all times. I can see how that would be incredibly stressful from my vantage point, which is being invisible to society at 55+. I don't envy you guys. Not one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

I'm convinced these are the same people who, during the height of pandemic shutdowns, daycare closures, indefinite remote learning, etc., were telling anyone who had a hard time that their children were "thriving." Completely pathological.

To OP and the rest of us who feel similarly: you/we aren't alone. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I don't get what's happening in the thread. I feel like I became a punching bag for people who are mad about something but I don't even know what.

You're welcome. I think it really is the same "we're THRIVING" people, the ones who either had no empathy to begin with or who lost it due to the stressors of COVID. They're putting you/us down to make themselves feel better, and because you're the OP, they're going after you. I've been there, too, and it's awful and unfair.

One thing that's helped me some is a book called "Real Self-Care," by Pooja Lakshmin. She's a psychiatrist with expertise in treating women, and the book talks explicitly about societal failures to support women and also how to work on putting yourself not last. It's a fairly quick read and for me, was worth it. Not that I have my groove back, but it's given me a bit of hope, even amidst my cynicism.

Thank you, I'll check out that book. It sounds on point.

I've been thinking about this whole idea of "putting myself last" this afternoon and one thing that strikes me is how at some point, I made a lot of my "me" things stuff that is useful for the family. Like among my hobbies: baking, organizing, deep cleaning. Seriously. And I do actually enjoy those things. But sometimes DH will take our kid to a playground on a Saturday morning so that I can deep clean the bathrooms, and then in the afternoon he'll go for a long bike ride by himself. And in a way we both got our alone time to do something we enjoy, but.... cleaning a bathroom is not the same as going for a bike ride. But I literally don't have the equivalent of that long bike ride, that thing that gets me out of the house and away from all the responsibilities there and that is purely for enjoyment and for me and not for everyone else, too. It's sad.

And I did use to have that stuff. I used to have an expensive, impractical hobby that took me away and was really just for me. But I think the ship has sailed on it (I don't want to go back and it's even more expensive now and just blah) but I haven't replaced it and I don't even know how because I'm so out of touch with what even makes me happy at this point. It's like "I'm happy when the chores are done and we know what we're having for dinner and my kid is getting her needs met." So I spend all my time doing that, but that's really not "me time" you know?