Anyone else lose their groove during Covid with young kids and still not have it back?

[Anonymous]

I had a 2 yr old when Covid started. Prior to Covid, I wouldn't say things were perfect by any means (adjustment to motherhood was tough, I went through some stuff regarding my career and some friendships, but I think I handled it all fairly well). But Covid just laid me low. I was one of those people who did great the first 6 months and then it just ground me down. By the time we were vaccinated and things were starting to get back to "normal", I was just kind of in survival mode.

Well it's been almost two years since then and I still feel that way? My kid just started kindergarten and it feels like I should be moving forward, but I'm still just kind of getting by regarding work, parenting, and a bunch of other stuff (financial planning, deciding if we're going to move or fix up our current house, deciding if I'm going to make a turn in my career I've been contemplating for a while), I am just making no progress on. Same story regarding stuff like my health, maintaining friendships and building our social network, developing a hobbie, etc. I just feel kind of stuck?

Anyone else? Or anyone feel this way but break through? I need motivation and a plan. I want to do better, but I just feel so tired all the time.

[Anonymous]

Have another kid

[Anonymous]

Same. I have moments (weeks) of feeling better, energetic, ready to tackle projects and make plans -- and then I'm back to being exhausted and living minute to minute.

DH is the same and we're both (still) struggling.

But kindergarten is a big milestone, for your DC and you and DH! Congratulations and enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Have an affair

[Anonymous]

I felt very stuck for a long time during/after covid. After trying various things, I finally started Wellbutrin and it's helped lift off the weight of everything so I can move forward with my life.

[Anonymous]

Yes! For us the cost of living has been really hard on us. I am documenter and avid mint user and pre pandemic we spent so much less money on groceries (like 32 percent less!), clothes, and children’s activities (violin is now double and daycare is 19 percent more). We aren’t your average DCUM family that “only” makes 500k, we are a family of 5 on 190k and it’s very tight. I think this part of things really prevents me from getting organized as I am spending wayyyy more time than I use to shopping for deals, looking for side hustles and doing things like packing lunches and washing my car and other small things I use to be able to throw 5-12 bucks at. It’s just really something I don’t see much on this board but it’s rocking our entire world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have another kid

OP here. Part of our Covid/post-Covid malaise was letting the window on having another kid close -- we don't feel like it's in the cards at this age. We also realized during Covid that our families are not really a source of support for us (like not even a source emotional support) and that has made us more conservative about family planning. But it's actually a bit sad for me to realize I won't have more kids. I love my only so much, we have a good family dynamic, I'm glad we won't be strained for resources with just one. But I did want another before Covid and it's been sad letting that go.

I think that contributes to this sense of feeling stuck. My life looks different than I thought it would. Not bad, just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! For us the cost of living has been really hard on us. I am documenter and avid mint user and pre pandemic we spent so much less money on groceries (like 32 percent less!), clothes, and children’s activities (violin is now double and daycare is 19 percent more). We aren’t your average DCUM family that “only” makes 500k, we are a family of 5 on 190k and it’s very tight. I think this part of things really prevents me from getting organized as I am spending wayyyy more time than I use to shopping for deals, looking for side hustles and doing things like packing lunches and washing my car and other small things I use to be able to throw 5-12 bucks at. It’s just really something I don’t see much on this board but it’s rocking our entire world!

OP again and I hadn't though about this, but actually this resonates. We aren't broke by any means, but I do think the rising costs of everything contribute a bit to this feeling. I find myself choosing not to do certain things (build a pergola in the back yard, sign up for Orange Theory, take certain vacations) because the costs are 30-50% higher than they used to be, and I'll think "that's money out of the college account." Like you, we're not in that upper echelon of earners (around 160k, though only one kid). I feel like we need to be thoughtful about how we spend, and that's gotten harder as everything costs more than it used to.

One of the things I'm stuck on is whether I should try to increase in my income, even though it would mean less flexibility for the family. I go back and forth on it a lot. Every time I think "yes, definitely, I should do this," something happens with our kid or with our family that makes me think, "oh thank god I have so much flexibility so we aren't totally screwed right now." It feels like there's no right answer.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I think you are are about to enter the easier period of parenting (elementary school). So you should get into a new routine for the next six years.

[Anonymous]

The family stuff is an open wound that will never fully heal. Sometimes it scabs over and you barely notice, and then something comes along and rips off the scab and it hurts all over again.

It makes the decision to have just one kid harder. you want more kids so you can finally experience a large, warm, loving family that you never had yourself. But at the same time, it is almost impossibly hard to build that 2+ kid family if your own family was crappy and your salary is too low to afford paid help.

The crappy family of origin has such a domino effect on life. You never felt you had a solid footing because your parents didn't give you emotional support (not even talking $$, just talking someone who was like, "i believe in you, you can achieve your goals"). You have a kid during covid and you realize that not a single person in your family has your back not even in an emergency (i'm not even talking babysitting! just like, if you and your spouse were simultaneously hospitalized, they would somehow step up and watch your kid temporarily).

Low self esteem from crappy family leads to later childbearing and lower wages. Before you know it, you're in your 40s and you're like WTF happened.

that said, if you really want another kid I think you should go for it. really. it is not too late, and there are a lot of 5 year gaps in siblings precisely because of free public kindergarten. Your kids can take out loans for college but they will always have each other.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in with empathy. Mine were 1 and 3 when covid hit, and I feel like something inside me broke and I've never recovered. I'm not sure I ever will. I used to be on top of everything and now I can't get motivated until a deadline is upon me. I think I mentioned this in response to another post before. I think something about society's blatant disregard for people in our situation plus the two year daily grind of childcare all day plus work all night (with candy or alcohol to stay awake) severely impaired my focus.

[Anonymous]

COVID was very hard on me (had an infant) so I empathize.

The person saying "have another kid" .... OP, do not ever expand your family when you are already struggling.

I would start with a drink or lunch with a friend. Make it a regular thing. Friendship feels so nourishing after those stressful years. Date nights with your husband, too.

[Anonymous]

I know it is just one more thing to do, but you may want to look into therapy and/or mental health support with medication or other interventions. I started an SNRI about a year ago, and it brought me out of a similar fog and I've been able to recover mostly. I started with therapy in spring 2022 after slogging through for however long. I was at a point where I told my husband I didn't even feel like a person anymore.

Similar to you OP, I gave up my 2nd child desires during COVID, especially after the blatant disregard for families during COVID.

[Anonymous]

Mine were 9 months, 3.5, 5, and 8 when Covid hit. I am not the same person I was before Covid. I think it was seeing just how little anyone cared to support mothers and kids and families (both politically and within my own family- there were no reinforcements to arrive and no helpful grandparents with country homes in upstate NY) which really caused me to lose my youthful hope,trust and optimism about life.

I am smarter and stronger now, but more reserved and world weary.

[Anonymous]

Same. I feel like covid made me scatterbrained. I was so organized and really had it together beforehand. Also parented better and was more patient. But I have 3 kids, so maybe that's just how it is?