Anyone else lose their groove during Covid with young kids and still not have it back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord! Covid is over and people need to stop blaming their problems on covid! Everyone went through the same thing but most of us coped without whining and complaining. OP, et al, GROW UP!

Yeah, you coped by going to anonymous message boards and criticizing people who were having a hard time. And you're supposed to be the positive example?

PS - everyone did not go through the same thing, not even close

Right because quite a few of us had not replied on schools, teachers, housekeepers, nannies, to take care of our lives,! Covid was an opportunity to get back to living and take charge of our lives. Too bad so many of you weren't able to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

The martyrdom of American women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord! Covid is over and people need to stop blaming their problems on covid! Everyone went through the same thing but most of us coped without whining and complaining. OP, et al, GROW UP!

Yeah, you coped by going to anonymous message boards and criticizing people who were having a hard time. And you're supposed to be the positive example?

PS - everyone did not go through the same thing, not even close

Right because quite a few of us had not replied on schools, teachers, housekeepers, nannies, to take care of our lives,! Covid was an opportunity to get back to living and take charge of our lives. Too bad so many of you weren't able to figure this out.

Attacking people on DCUM is getting back to living and taking charge of your life?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a mom of older kids, but I want to jump in here to offer my support. It's true that the pandemic had different impacts on our kids and on us as parents. To be sure, having young children while school buildings were shuttered while trying to work was a massive burden that is not acknowledged enough.

One thing you mentioned that apparently is uncommon in this forum is the additional stress caused by pandemic-related financial loss. Losing money and feeling completely responsible for every aspect of your kids' lives without support or acknowledgment is stressful and can cause burnout. Those who are minimizing your struggle or suggesting that you should have bounced back more quickly because the pandemic was only a year and is now over don't understand that recovering from burnout is a process that takes time and support. Burnout happens when we lack social support and control over our lives, so it's no wonder the pandemic-related closures, restrictions, and incessant bickering about COVID policies left so many parents feeling emotionally and physically overwhelmed. Getting attacked on a message board does little to help, I'm sure. I hope that you can find a few friends who can offer support and an outlet for fun socialization as you try to carve out time for things that make you happy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

I'm convinced these are the same people who, during the height of pandemic shutdowns, daycare closures, indefinite remote learning, etc., were telling anyone who had a hard time that their children were "thriving." Completely pathological.

To OP and the rest of us who feel similarly: you/we aren't alone. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I don't get what's happening in the thread. I feel like I became a punching bag for people who are mad about something but I don't even know what.

You're welcome. I think it really is the same "we're THRIVING" people, the ones who either had no empathy to begin with or who lost it due to the stressors of COVID. They're putting you/us down to make themselves feel better, and because you're the OP, they're going after you. I've been there, too, and it's awful and unfair.

One thing that's helped me some is a book called "Real Self-Care," by Pooja Lakshmin. She's a psychiatrist with expertise in treating women, and the book talks explicitly about societal failures to support women and also how to work on putting yourself not last. It's a fairly quick read and for me, was worth it. Not that I have my groove back, but it's given me a bit of hope, even amidst my cynicism.

Thank you, I'll check out that book. It sounds on point.

I've been thinking about this whole idea of "putting myself last" this afternoon and one thing that strikes me is how at some point, I made a lot of my "me" things stuff that is useful for the family. Like among my hobbies: baking, organizing, deep cleaning. Seriously. And I do actually enjoy those things. But sometimes DH will take our kid to a playground on a Saturday morning so that I can deep clean the bathrooms, and then in the afternoon he'll go for a long bike ride by himself. And in a way we both got our alone time to do something we enjoy, but.... cleaning a bathroom is not the same as going for a bike ride. But I literally don't have the equivalent of that long bike ride, that thing that gets me out of the house and away from all the responsibilities there and that is purely for enjoyment and for me and not for everyone else, too. It's sad.

And I did use to have that stuff. I used to have an expensive, impractical hobby that took me away and was really just for me. But I think the ship has sailed on it (I don't want to go back and it's even more expensive now and just blah) but I haven't replaced it and I don't even know how because I'm so out of touch with what even makes me happy at this point. It's like "I'm happy when the chores are done and we know what we're having for dinner and my kid is getting her needs met." So I spend all my time doing that, but that's really not "me time" you know?

Read in the bathtub! Enjoy your clean bathroom with some nice bath bombs and a good book. I have a hard time finding hobbies I can fit in, but a relaxing bath and a good book (maybe even a cup of tea) feels like me time that I can actually manage to fit in. You could also look for a book club if you want something social but not unreasonably demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord! Covid is over and people need to stop blaming their problems on covid! Everyone went through the same thing but most of us coped without whining and complaining. OP, et al, GROW UP!

Yeah, you coped by going to anonymous message boards and criticizing people who were having a hard time. And you're supposed to be the positive example?

PS - everyone did not go through the same thing, not even close

Right because quite a few of us had not replied on schools, teachers, housekeepers, nannies, to take care of our lives,! Covid was an opportunity to get back to living and take charge of our lives. Too bad so many of you weren't able to figure this out.

Did you hear that everyone. Covid was an OPPORTUNITY to make your lives better. So what if you lost loved ones, had to go part time at work, your kid developed depression or anxiety, your marriage lost all intimacy from constantly being around each other trying to just get by. The pandemic was supposed to be some kind of self-care retreat where you used all your free time [while the nanny and the teacher you hired to teach your kids at home in your dedicated playroom took care of your kids], reconnect with your spouse [between working in your dedicated home offices at jobs that were super chill and never threatened by the pandemic and totally accepting of the idea that you needed 3-4 hours a day to read and learn new hobbies], get in shape, learn a language, and improve your diet. Obviously the smart people also sold their homes at a premium and used the extra cash to move to nicer, bigger homes at rock bottom mortgage rates, so it was also a financial boon. Your young, healthy, supportive parents moved into your new guest house so now your children have better relationships with them, and as soon as travel restrictions lifted, you've been able to rediscover the joys of places like Bora Bora, the Amalfi Coast, and northern Spain.

Covid was a GIFT, a beautiful journey of self-discovery and personal fulfillment. It is truly too badd that so many of you are unable to figure this out [due to lack of basic resources]. What a shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

I'm convinced these are the same people who, during the height of pandemic shutdowns, daycare closures, indefinite remote learning, etc., were telling anyone who had a hard time that their children were "thriving." Completely pathological.

To OP and the rest of us who feel similarly: you/we aren't alone. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I don't get what's happening in the thread. I feel like I became a punching bag for people who are mad about something but I don't even know what.

You're welcome. I think it really is the same "we're THRIVING" people, the ones who either had no empathy to begin with or who lost it due to the stressors of COVID. They're putting you/us down to make themselves feel better, and because you're the OP, they're going after you. I've been there, too, and it's awful and unfair.

One thing that's helped me some is a book called "Real Self-Care," by Pooja Lakshmin. She's a psychiatrist with expertise in treating women, and the book talks explicitly about societal failures to support women and also how to work on putting yourself not last. It's a fairly quick read and for me, was worth it. Not that I have my groove back, but it's given me a bit of hope, even amidst my cynicism.

Thank you, I'll check out that book. It sounds on point.

I've been thinking about this whole idea of "putting myself last" this afternoon and one thing that strikes me is how at some point, I made a lot of my "me" things stuff that is useful for the family. Like among my hobbies: baking, organizing, deep cleaning. Seriously. And I do actually enjoy those things. But sometimes DH will take our kid to a playground on a Saturday morning so that I can deep clean the bathrooms, and then in the afternoon he'll go for a long bike ride by himself. And in a way we both got our alone time to do something we enjoy, but.... cleaning a bathroom is not the same as going for a bike ride. But I literally don't have the equivalent of that long bike ride, that thing that gets me out of the house and away from all the responsibilities there and that is purely for enjoyment and for me and not for everyone else, too. It's sad.

And I did use to have that stuff. I used to have an expensive, impractical hobby that took me away and was really just for me. But I think the ship has sailed on it (I don't want to go back and it's even more expensive now and just blah) but I haven't replaced it and I don't even know how because I'm so out of touch with what even makes me happy at this point. It's like "I'm happy when the chores are done and we know what we're having for dinner and my kid is getting her needs met." So I spend all my time doing that, but that's really not "me time" you know?

Read in the bathtub! Enjoy your clean bathroom with some nice bath bombs and a good book. I have a hard time finding hobbies I can fit in, but a relaxing bath and a good book (maybe even a cup of tea) feels like me time that I can actually manage to fit in. You could also look for a book club if you want something social but not unreasonably demanding.

I've never been a "hobby person"; my me time consists of working out, reading, and listening to podcasts. Maybe start with more things like that. Your DD is in kindergarten, right? have you thought about getting more involved in her school -- the PTA, volunteer to be a room parent... Would your DD like to play a rec sport (soccer usually in the fall) -- this is a nice way to meet parents.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread, but yes. And it feels like it just changed my perspective on life forever. Like I was so long in survival mode and I can't change that mindset now.

We had a 4 year old and 2 year old when everything shut down. I was and still am a stay at home mom. I just got so out of the habit of going out and doing things and I still haven't gotten back there yet. I don't think the youngest who just started K has ever been to an indoor playplace like Scramble. We rarely go out to eat. I used to be so involved with the preschool and making playdates and I just don't care about that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

I'm convinced these are the same people who, during the height of pandemic shutdowns, daycare closures, indefinite remote learning, etc., were telling anyone who had a hard time that their children were "thriving." Completely pathological.

To OP and the rest of us who feel similarly: you/we aren't alone. Hang in there.

Thank you.

I don't get what's happening in the thread. I feel like I became a punching bag for people who are mad about something but I don't even know what.

You're welcome. I think it really is the same "we're THRIVING" people, the ones who either had no empathy to begin with or who lost it due to the stressors of COVID. They're putting you/us down to make themselves feel better, and because you're the OP, they're going after you. I've been there, too, and it's awful and unfair.

One thing that's helped me some is a book called "Real Self-Care," by Pooja Lakshmin. She's a psychiatrist with expertise in treating women, and the book talks explicitly about societal failures to support women and also how to work on putting yourself not last. It's a fairly quick read and for me, was worth it. Not that I have my groove back, but it's given me a bit of hope, even amidst my cynicism.

Thank you, I'll check out that book. It sounds on point.

I've been thinking about this whole idea of "putting myself last" this afternoon and one thing that strikes me is how at some point, I made a lot of my "me" things stuff that is useful for the family. Like among my hobbies: baking, organizing, deep cleaning. Seriously. And I do actually enjoy those things. But sometimes DH will take our kid to a playground on a Saturday morning so that I can deep clean the bathrooms, and then in the afternoon he'll go for a long bike ride by himself. And in a way we both got our alone time to do something we enjoy, but.... cleaning a bathroom is not the same as going for a bike ride. But I literally don't have the equivalent of that long bike ride, that thing that gets me out of the house and away from all the responsibilities there and that is purely for enjoyment and for me and not for everyone else, too. It's sad.

And I did use to have that stuff. I used to have an expensive, impractical hobby that took me away and was really just for me. But I think the ship has sailed on it (I don't want to go back and it's even more expensive now and just blah) but I haven't replaced it and I don't even know how because I'm so out of touch with what even makes me happy at this point. It's like "I'm happy when the chores are done and we know what we're having for dinner and my kid is getting her needs met." So I spend all my time doing that, but that's really not "me time" you know?

Read in the bathtub! Enjoy your clean bathroom with some nice bath bombs and a good book. I have a hard time finding hobbies I can fit in, but a relaxing bath and a good book (maybe even a cup of tea) feels like me time that I can actually manage to fit in. You could also look for a book club if you want something social but not unreasonably demanding.

I've never been a "hobby person"; my me time consists of working out, reading, and listening to podcasts. Maybe start with more things like that. Your DD is in kindergarten, right? have you thought about getting more involved in her school -- the PTA, volunteer to be a room parent... Would your DD like to play a rec sport (soccer usually in the fall) -- this is a nice way to meet parents.

Other things... start reaching out to friends more. Literally right now pick up your phone and text a friend and ask them if they want to go out for a coffee, lunch, take a walk with you... Text several. Text a friend with whom a friendship fizzled during covid; see if they want to reconnect.

Do you want to ramp up your career; the timing sounds right. Start taking some steps -- update your resume, reach out to old mentors, colleagues, a head hunter, create work product, etc... Start doing all these little things.

If you feel paralyzed to do things like this then that is anxiety and depression talking, so first take steps to treat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

No one is gonna give you a community. You have to build it. It takes time and effort. You have to give of yourself to receive something back. If you want a community then make one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

No one is gonna give you a community. You have to build it. It takes time and effort. You have to give of yourself to receive something back. If you want a community then make one.

This is false. Or like a half truth.

You can actually just sort of be handed community. Some people with certain kinds of family have community in their family and it's not something they built, they were born to it. There are similar things with be invited/accepted into certain existing communities, by virtue of where you go to school or where you live or having certain qualities or abilities. You don't have to build those communities, they already exist. But you do have to earn admission, which sometimes is a fair process and sometimes is more about luck.

You can also put effort into building community and have it not happen. Sometimes you just don't have the right personality or skills. You can't build a community on your own if people just aren't drawn to you or you just don't have certain people skills. I've watched people try to do this and it's painful.

Anyway, I think better advice is to seek out community, whether it's an existing community you can join or maybe people in your life who could be gathered together to form community somehow. Or changing your idea of what it looks like -- maybe it's more of a loose coalition of neighbors, maybe it's the parents from school who you'll never be best friends with but who could be a parenting community. But the idea that the only way to have community is to build it yourself from scratch is actually really awful advice, because that is simply not achievable for many people and it's not necessary for others.

[Anonymous]

We definitely fell into some bad habits during the pandemic, like allowing too much screen time, that just kind of carried on even when we were getting back to normalish. Making an effort to dial back this new school year (e.g., no weekday evening TV).

I also stopped doing things for myself and haven’t made a good effort to start again. So I can relate OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

No one is gonna give you a community. You have to build it. It takes time and effort. You have to give of yourself to receive something back. If you want a community then make one.

This is false. Or like a half truth.

You can actually just sort of be handed community. Some people with certain kinds of family have community in their family and it's not something they built, they were born to it. There are similar things with be invited/accepted into certain existing communities, by virtue of where you go to school or where you live or having certain qualities or abilities. You don't have to build those communities, they already exist. But you do have to earn admission, which sometimes is a fair process and sometimes is more about luck.

You can also put effort into building community and have it not happen. Sometimes you just don't have the right personality or skills. You can't build a community on your own if people just aren't drawn to you or you just don't have certain people skills. I've watched people try to do this and it's painful.

Anyway, I think better advice is to seek out community, whether it's an existing community you can join or maybe people in your life who could be gathered together to form community somehow. Or changing your idea of what it looks like -- maybe it's more of a loose coalition of neighbors, maybe it's the parents from school who you'll never be best friends with but who could be a parenting community. But the idea that the only way to have community is to build it yourself from scratch is actually really awful advice, because that is simply not achievable for many people and it's not necessary for others.

Point is, they aren't going to knock on your door. And if you can't find one that already exists, you can complain or you can make one. Every existing community has people who decided to make it so. It seems many posters just want to complain and blame covid rather than sorting their own situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

No one is gonna give you a community. You have to build it. It takes time and effort. You have to give of yourself to receive something back. If you want a community then make one.

This is false. Or like a half truth.

You can actually just sort of be handed community. Some people with certain kinds of family have community in their family and it's not something they built, they were born to it. There are similar things with be invited/accepted into certain existing communities, by virtue of where you go to school or where you live or having certain qualities or abilities. You don't have to build those communities, they already exist. But you do have to earn admission, which sometimes is a fair process and sometimes is more about luck.

You can also put effort into building community and have it not happen. Sometimes you just don't have the right personality or skills. You can't build a community on your own if people just aren't drawn to you or you just don't have certain people skills. I've watched people try to do this and it's painful.

Anyway, I think better advice is to seek out community, whether it's an existing community you can join or maybe people in your life who could be gathered together to form community somehow. Or changing your idea of what it looks like -- maybe it's more of a loose coalition of neighbors, maybe it's the parents from school who you'll never be best friends with but who could be a parenting community. But the idea that the only way to have community is to build it yourself from scratch is actually really awful advice, because that is simply not achievable for many people and it's not necessary for others.

Point is, they aren't going to knock on your door. And if you can't find one that already exists, you can complain or you can make one. Every existing community has people who decided to make it so. It seems many posters just want to complain and blame covid rather than sorting their own situation.

I don't know what makes you think that people who are complaining about lack of community and support here are doing nothing but posting a couple comments on an online message board. I work at building community all the time, which is specifically why I feel frustrated because Covid has absolutely made this harder. Compared to pre-Covid, it's been so hard to form parent communities at our elementary school. I thought last year was going to be the big shift but it's still really hard. And I say that as someone who is on the PTA, organizes events, reaches out to other families, etc. Teachers are burned out and we've lost several due administration turn over out of our control (old principal retired). We still have a large contingent of families at our school who will not attend in person events of any kind, even outdoors, due to Covid. There are still tensions around masking and other issues.

Am I not allowed to vent about that? I'm doing exactly what you suggest (building my own community) but it's honestly not going that well and one reason is Covid. There are other reasons too. Why are you so obsessed with the idea that no one should ever say "X has been harder since Covid, I'm struggling." It's like weird magical thinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, new poster offering support. Please don't ask Jeff to delete this thread. Obviously a ton of posters completely agree with you. Everyone 's covid experience was different. Some people were bored and lonely, some people lived their best life, some people died or lost beloved friends and family, and some people were stressed to the max and are still barely hanging on

I relate completely to your post, including losing the window for expanding my family. Unfortunately for me, covid was followed up by a lawsuit and my marriage falling apart, so no end in sight.

One foot in front of the other.