Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is up in the relationship with her parents. They are where she got this anxiety and something about them pushes it into the red, such that she’s walking out the door in order to be “on time” in this scenario.

Frankly, I’d worry about that backstory a bit.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

[Anonymous]

Is your wife hot enough to be demanding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

I’m guessing OP switched the genders. It’s probably the DH who has uptight parents and he dumped the tantruming toddler on his wife because it’s her job to get the kid in line.

In fact I’ve seen it over and over again where mom is running around trying to get all the kid necessities packed and is then scrambling to get herself ready last while the dad only has to get himself ready and then wonders why his wife and kids aren’t ready to go when he wants to walk out the door. This is the more likely scenario, and most OPs change up the demographics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

Again, official rules of etiquette are not necessarily applicable for close family. If the OP's wife thinks her parents want her their at the specified time, that's more important than the general rule. They may want her help with something. My in-laws always want my DH there pretty early for family meals, for example, because he's the one who brings the folding tables up from the basement and sets them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

I’m guessing OP switched the genders. It’s probably the DH who has uptight parents and he dumped the tantruming toddler on his wife because it’s her job to get the kid in line.

In fact I’ve seen it over and over again where mom is running around trying to get all the kid necessities packed and is then scrambling to get herself ready last while the dad only has to get himself ready and then wonders why his wife and kids aren’t ready to go when he wants to walk out the door. This is the more likely scenario, and most OPs change up the demographics.

It seems plausible to me either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

Yeah, it would be reasonable at an older age. Not at 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Two different cultures:

1. I want to share my love with people by finding ways to enjoy each other.

2. I want people to show me they love me by performing oddly specific tasks.

Finding ways like showing up late so that you have less time together? Genius plan.

Or being a good host and showing grace to your own freaking child when they’re wrangling a young child out the door during the dinner/bedtime hour, which can be tough for a lot of kids. The goal is to have a nice visit, which means building your meal plan so that the night isn’t going to fall apart or result in a perceived sleight over 15 minutes. Personally if I’m hosting, I’d rather enjoy my company and not hem and haw over a few minutes on the clock and interpret my grandchild’s tantrum as some sort of referendum on my family’s respect for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

Yeah, it would be reasonable at an older age. Not at 3.

No, that's exactly when you want to lay the groundwork on this very basic concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Well, that's a you problem. If I say come over at 5, everything is sparking and ready to go at 4:45. I can manage my time. You?

If you’re invited over to someone’s house at 5, you’re not welcome there at 4:45 you boor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

Wow, sorry your family is so shitty. My mom would text back “you poor thing! I remember those days. Good luck and Godspeed. See you when you arrive, sweetie!”

My mom might, but she and I would still both know that this was entirely predictable child behavior. Just because other people are gracious about your rudeness doesn't mean it's not rudeness.

+1000

My family and I don’t stand on ceremony with each other. If they started getting sniffy about me being 15 minutes late (after letting them know), they’d see their grandchildren a lot less. No point in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is up in the relationship with her parents. They are where she got this anxiety and something about them pushes it into the red, such that she’s walking out the door in order to be “on time” in this scenario.

Frankly, I’d worry about that backstory a bit.

+1 she literally left her crying child because she was anxious what her parents would think if she was late. So weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

It's different when you're their parents and you know they're expecting you at the actual time.

Normal parents don’t flip out when their darling grandbabies cause a slight delay. You text and let them know, and they say okay.

[Anonymous]

Team wife. I'm the same way, and it's not anxiety, it's a matter of respecting other people's time. My mom has us over for dinner every Sunday night, and she would be (rightfully) annoyed if we were late; she takes hours making us delicious food, and I'm not going to keep an 85-year-old waiting.

When I invite my adult kids over for dinner, I expect them to be on time. I do think there's a personality difference at play, because I have friends for whom showing up late to their home doesn't matter - but for the rest of us who care, it's disrespectful if you can't arrive on time.