Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

Do you understand how stressful it is to be around someone who is chronically late and doesn’t give a sh¡t about anyone’s time but the their own?

Both are annoying but there’s zero evidence OP is chronically late.

My personal pet peeve is people who get super stressed about movies (especially when you have assigned prepaid seats and know you’ll be watching 20 minutes worth of previews) and airplanes. No reason to be three hours early for a domestic flight for example (this is a recurring issue with my MIL!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

Do you understand how stressful it is to be around someone who is chronically late and doesn’t give a sh¡t about anyone’s time but the their own?

Do you understand how stressful it is to be around ppl who're so militant about being on time?

There was no indication that OP was chronically late, so you're just projecting and excusing your own insanity.

[Anonymous]

Normally I do think going separately would be a fair compromise for someone like OP’s wife. It’s probably going to reduce arguments. But ditching the spouse with the kid without even asking first isn’t ok.

[Anonymous]

It’s her family and she is the one that has to manage her parents’ expectations and disappointment. If she’s like this about everything, maybe she has anxiety, but there is a range of what it means to be punctual.

My family is always a bit early. My husband’s family is more loose with time and the result is that we never have good seats for things like school pageants or preschool graduation. They almost missed my SIL’s college graduation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

I wonder if you host people very often. Or maybe you host just within your own extended family, so you don't realize that this is not the norm?

We host frequently - maybe every 2-3 weeks, we host: casual drinks with friends, dinner parties ranging from one other couple to 25 people for a sit down meal, bbqs, cocktail parties etc. No one every comes at exactly on time.

Where do you live? Wondering if this is regional.

I’ve lived all over the east coast and this is not regional. Showing up for a 6pm dinner party at 6pm is strange, if not rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

I wonder if you host people very often. Or maybe you host just within your own extended family, so you don't realize that this is not the norm?

We host frequently - maybe every 2-3 weeks, we host: casual drinks with friends, dinner parties ranging from one other couple to 25 people for a sit down meal, bbqs, cocktail parties etc. No one every comes at exactly on time.

Where do you live? Wondering if this is regional.

I’ve lived all over the east coast and this is not regional. Showing up for a 6pm dinner party at 6pm is strange, if not rude.

And I have lived on the east coast and Midwest, and have never met anyone who considers being on time rude.
I think it’s a class/snobbery thing. I really do. Us common folk are punctual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be me (but it isn't). When my family says to arrive at 5pm they mean 4:55pm. It is very anxiety provoking for me to be late to a family event, and I admit I don't handle it in the best way if the kids are taking 20 minutes to tie their shoes etc.

I honestly don’t understand why anyone wants to live on edge like this. Life is too short to get anxious about not being somewhere 5 min. early because your kids are trying to tie their shoes. Imagine what it must feel like to be a small child and have your parents stressed and rushing you and worry about grandparents getting upset if the timeline goes even a bit astray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to be late is normal, but running out to her parents house and leaving you and the child behind instead of just texting her folks that y’all would be late is definitely weird. What are her parents like? Do they seem like they’d flip if she was late?

This. The normal response would be to call/ text apologize and explain your tardiness. Normal people can understand 3 yo old being unpredictable. Healthy people in healthy families don't hold it against you.

NP
Agree unless there is more backstory here- like spouse was in charge of having things ready to go, or child needed consequences, or spouse is always late and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

Do you understand how stressful it is to be around someone who is chronically late and doesn’t give a sh¡t about anyone’s time but the their own?

They get left in the dust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

Your wife is correct.

Consider sending your daughter to military school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

I wonder if you host people very often. Or maybe you host just within your own extended family, so you don't realize that this is not the norm?

We host frequently - maybe every 2-3 weeks, we host: casual drinks with friends, dinner parties ranging from one other couple to 25 people for a sit down meal, bbqs, cocktail parties etc. No one every comes at exactly on time.

Where do you live? Wondering if this is regional.

I’ve lived all over the east coast and this is not regional. Showing up for a 6pm dinner party at 6pm is strange, if not rude.

Okay, but aren't "fashionably late" watches & clocks expensive ?

[Anonymous]

I’ll start talking about what I’m going to wear at noon on Saturday just to get my wife thinking about it; if the Uber is due to get us at 6:30 she will be changing dresses, shoes, stocking color etc. until 6:40 despite having the 6 1/2 previous hours to resolve.

Last minute and being late makes me crazy and produces needless anxiety while the Uber guy texts me that the ride will be canceled at 6:45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

Why is this post so long and wordy?

If you’re going to make it so long tell us more about what else has been going down on. Don’t omit the trends and patterns and previous arguments.

[Anonymous]

I host dinner parties frequently. Guests arriving early is flat out rude. On time is bordering on rude. Everyone knows the host needs a few extra minutes to get ready. Fifteen minutes late is perfect.

[Anonymous]

I think I’d no longer be going to the in-laws, op. Either that or get there on time, very likely your wife got one heck of a tongue lashing for being late and she never forgot it. You also don’t know what “advice” her mom or dad gave her when you aren’t around, they could be quite nasty and for whatever reason she regards that as normal or she likes them and wants to still have a relationship. What she did is extreme and you need to find out why if it’s a problem for you.
As
An adult, you and she are free to refuse future dinner invitations, and I might just do that.

I’d also though realize that by your own admission, you have the ability to get someplace on time when it matters to you. Why didn’t you?

It’s also not cool of your wife to zoom off and leave you. That’s the real issue, you two are a couple. Does she do this on the regular? Did it bother you? If it didn’t, then fine, if it did, you need to address it. Then listen to what she says, I’ll sometimes have my husband text my dad because those 2 will act like 2 adult men whereas my mom can sometimes treat me like a misbehaving teenager. It’s annoying, but also not worth fighting about, nor can I “talk to her” since if I could, she wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

You also have the option of telling your wife that you no longer care to go to the in-laws, not if she acts like this. As an adult, you no longer have to go anyplace you don’t want to go, and that applies to her. Have you said this to her?

My husband and I had a similar discussion about church, he was asked to do the prayer, we had a baby and a toddler at the time, and I told him “you can do the closing prayer, if they don’t like that f**ck ‘em”. End of problem and church likes us just fine. If they hadn’t, we’d not be going there anymore.
You two decide as a couple what is worth showing up on time and why and you two have each other’s backs. Always.