Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

I’m guessing OP switched the genders. It’s probably the DH who has uptight parents and he dumped the tantruming toddler on his wife because it’s her job to get the kid in line.

In fact I’ve seen it over and over again where mom is running around trying to get all the kid necessities packed and is then scrambling to get herself ready last while the dad only has to get himself ready and then wonders why his wife and kids aren’t ready to go when he wants to walk out the door. This is the more likely scenario, and most OPs change up the demographics.

Are you a nanny? A webcam hacker? How are you seeing all these moms and dads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is up in the relationship with her parents. They are where she got this anxiety and something about them pushes it into the red, such that she’s walking out the door in order to be “on time” in this scenario.

Frankly, I’d worry about that backstory a bit.

+1 she literally left her crying child because she was anxious what her parents would think if she was late. So weird.

She didn't leave her crying child alone. She left her crying child with her father. A parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

Lol, does the kid even care? They’d probably be just as happy staying home playing with their toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

Again, official rules of etiquette are not necessarily applicable for close family. If the OP's wife thinks her parents want her their at the specified time, that's more important than the general rule. They may want her help with something. My in-laws always want my DH there pretty early for family meals, for example, because he's the one who brings the folding tables up from the basement and sets them up.

Okay well it sounds like the in laws are uptight and anxious and have created a rigid and anxious child. I’d be more concerned about breaking the cycle so my child doesn’t grow up with this weird “exactly on time” obsession

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife. I'm the same way, and it's not anxiety, it's a matter of respecting other people's time. My mom has us over for dinner every Sunday night, and she would be (rightfully) annoyed if we were late; she takes hours making us delicious food, and I'm not going to keep an 85-year-old waiting.

When I invite my adult kids over for dinner, I expect them to be on time. I do think there's a personality difference at play, because I have friends for whom showing up late to their home doesn't matter - but for the rest of us who care, it's disrespectful if you can't arrive on time.

Why are you showing up the minute the food hits the table, and not 15-30min earlier?
Don't you love your mother enough to spend a few minutes with her before dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

Again, official rules of etiquette are not necessarily applicable for close family. If the OP's wife thinks her parents want her their at the specified time, that's more important than the general rule. They may want her help with something. My in-laws always want my DH there pretty early for family meals, for example, because he's the one who brings the folding tables up from the basement and sets them up.

If someone yelled at me for being “late” and then expected me to help set up, ha! Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

I’m guessing OP switched the genders. It’s probably the DH who has uptight parents and he dumped the tantruming toddler on his wife because it’s her job to get the kid in line.

In fact I’ve seen it over and over again where mom is running around trying to get all the kid necessities packed and is then scrambling to get herself ready last while the dad only has to get himself ready and then wonders why his wife and kids aren’t ready to go when he wants to walk out the door. This is the more likely scenario, and most OPs change up the demographics.

Are you a nanny? A webcam hacker? How are you seeing all these moms and dads?

Because I have friends and neighbors. And I’ve been over to their houses or shared vacation rentals with them while we’re planning to do things. Do you not spend time around other families and observe things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

Lol, does the kid even care? They’d probably be just as happy staying home playing with their toys.

Natural consequence is dad and kid enjoy a nice dinner at home, while mom and her parents enjoy another tense family dinner. Grandparents don't get to see th grandkid until grandparents and mom learn to chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife. I'm the same way, and it's not anxiety, it's a matter of respecting other people's time. My mom has us over for dinner every Sunday night, and she would be (rightfully) annoyed if we were late; she takes hours making us delicious food, and I'm not going to keep an 85-year-old waiting.

When I invite my adult kids over for dinner, I expect them to be on time. I do think there's a personality difference at play, because I have friends for whom showing up late to their home doesn't matter - but for the rest of us who care, it's disrespectful if you can't arrive on time.

Why are you showing up the minute the food hits the table, and not 15-30min earlier?
Don't you love your mother enough to spend a few minutes with her before dinner?

My mom wants us to sit down and serve us hot food is why. She even heats the plates in the oven. She doesn't have time to "spend a few minutes" when she's making finishing touches to the meal. We will help bring dishes to the table, and we always clean up.

Any more questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

I’m guessing OP switched the genders. It’s probably the DH who has uptight parents and he dumped the tantruming toddler on his wife because it’s her job to get the kid in line.

In fact I’ve seen it over and over again where mom is running around trying to get all the kid necessities packed and is then scrambling to get herself ready last while the dad only has to get himself ready and then wonders why his wife and kids aren’t ready to go when he wants to walk out the door. This is the more likely scenario, and most OPs change up the demographics.

Are you a nanny? A webcam hacker? How are you seeing all these moms and dads?

Because I have friends and neighbors. And I’ve been over to their houses or shared vacation rentals with them while we’re planning to do things. Do you not spend time around other families and observe things?

Why would I hang out at someone's house while they are rushing to get out somewhere?

I'd have enough manners to leave them alone until they ar ready, or I'd help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife hot enough to be demanding?

She was 5 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

Again, official rules of etiquette are not necessarily applicable for close family. If the OP's wife thinks her parents want her their at the specified time, that's more important than the general rule. They may want her help with something. My in-laws always want my DH there pretty early for family meals, for example, because he's the one who brings the folding tables up from the basement and sets them up.

If someone yelled at me for being “late” and then expected me to help set up, ha! Good luck with that.

What a bizarre thing to say. They do not yell at him for being late, because he is not late. He comes when they ask him to, and he helps with what they need, because they are older adults and certain chores are not easy for them to do. He and I are happy to be on time in general, but especially for this because we consider helping with this a good reason to be timely.

Have a nice time showing up late and not helping your family.

[Anonymous]

Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is up in the relationship with her parents. They are where she got this anxiety and something about them pushes it into the red, such that she’s walking out the door in order to be “on time” in this scenario.

Frankly, I’d worry about that backstory a bit.

+1 she literally left her crying child because she was anxious what her parents would think if she was late. So weird.

She didn't leave her crying child alone. She left her crying child with her father. A parent.

OP didn't say the child was crying at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

I didn't read all of the pages but I agree with this, and I hope other people do, too.