Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

In retrospect, you know it took 10 minutes for your daughter to get her act together, but in reality did you know this prior? Your wife could easily think that it might take 30 minutes or longer. I am prompt but my kids are horribly always late and I find it incredibly disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

I suspect there is more to this story. Like she was handling the kid most of the kid and you had agreed to get your kid dressed and in the car to leave by 445 so when you weren’t ready, rather than do your job for you, she decided to leave you to handle it.

I also suspect perhaps her parents wanted her help setting the table or putting the final touches on the meal. And that her parents were looking forward to seeing her and she didn’t want to disappoint her.

Your wife’s tendency to be on time is much more polite than your approach.

[Anonymous]

Op do you enjoy going to these weekly family dinners?
Does your child listen to you and follow directions?
Did she have a screen until 4:4pm when you all should have been leaving?

Lots of reasons here to take two cars. Which is your actual question right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds rigid but also sounds like you are someone who is frequently late and maybe she is tired of it, and has decided she isnt waiting for you anymore.

+1.

[Anonymous]

If you are on time, you are already late.

Military mindset.

[Anonymous]

My sister and BIL were always late with their kids. My brother is always late. It is inconsiderate because the people always waiting for you are on time. Get ready earlier.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was sick of dealing with your kid and trying to teach you a lesson to plan ahead better and to get ready _before_ it’s time to leave.

As the mom, I was always doing the wrangling of little kids to get out the door while my DH sorta waited to the last minute. It was pretty annoying. I never made a big stink about it because he did lots of other things, but I could see myself doing something passive aggressive like this if I were really fed up. Frankly I probably did once or twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds rigid but also sounds like you are someone who is frequently late and maybe she is tired of it, and has decided she isnt waiting for you anymore.

Nothing in op’s post implies that.

Disagree. Even rigid on time people don’t walk out the door and drop responsibility into someone else’s hands. Suspect that husband has a history of being late, not giving two rocks about it, additionally frustrated about child’s wrangingly not being started earlier to accommodate the arrival, and by walking out was dropping that task in husband’s lap to handle in full.

[Anonymous]

She needs precision.

When you schedule things, be more precise, but set a range. No "appoximately 5:00" dinners . Dinner is "5:00-5:30", and you get ready for 5, but any time before 5:30 is "expected". If you have to be there by 5, then you make a plan to be there "between 4:30 and 5" and you target 4:30.

If everything is ready on the early side, then you can spend 10-15 minutes doing something else at home before you leave, if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds rigid but also sounds like you are someone who is frequently late and maybe she is tired of it, and has decided she isnt waiting for you anymore.

Nothing in op’s post implies that.

Disagree. Even rigid on time people don’t walk out the door and drop responsibility into someone else’s hands. Suspect that husband has a history of being late, not giving two rocks about it, additionally frustrated about child’s wrangingly not being started earlier to accommodate the arrival, and by walking out was dropping that task in husband’s lap to handle in full.

Doesn't make sense. She could sit and read a book and wait for husband to wrangle. No reason to leave early unless she actually felt the arrival time was important.

You wrote that she wasn't rigid, and then proceeded to say twice that she was in fact rigid.

[Anonymous]

What is the backstory though?
My husband has adhd that wasn't diagnosed for years and he refuses treatment. It was really confusing to me how time didn't matter to him, no matter what. He never apologized, was actually angry I questioned him. It was always the traffic or someone else's fault. We were late to important things like a funeral, niece's birthday, etc. I learned to take my own vehicle when necessary.

He still doesn't leave the house until the time he is supposed to be at appointments. He will do things like start washing the car when we are already supposed to be on the road. We've been married over 30 years and raised children so we make it work but I always have to be the responsible one. When the kids had sports and other activities, we often had 2 vehicles there because I had all the necessary supplies and left on time with the kids. He showed up as the happy go lucky dad.

[Anonymous]

I used to be rigid about being late, then I had kids and I tried so hard, but the only thing I managed to do is give my oldest anxiety about being late because I was so fussy about it. Now I'm more laid back and they are fussy about it to the point of exhaustion. What is that called? Passing down generational anxiety? In any case, I regret it.

[Anonymous]

I think being late IS very disrespectful to others, so I'm team wife here. She's being a little rigid, but I think there's probably more to this story. Seems like she's fed up with your crap maybe.

[Anonymous]

There's probably another side to this story.