Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

+1 million. I can't believe anyone would issue an invitation that says the party starts at 5 and be shocked and annoyed when someone shows up at 5....

Again, I think this is about different social circles. I will be ready to receive people at 5 if my party starts at 5 (which no party I've ever thrown has...) in that I am dressed and the house is spotless, but anyone who arrives on the dot may find me arranging the cheese and crackers. However, no one I know would be offended by my still doing last-minute preparations--they would likely ask if they can open the wine or similar.

[Anonymous]

It is her family culture- I was ingrained with the same - e.g. if I was even a minute late as a kid, my parents would be irate about me not respecting their time -- to this day, if I have a work meeting where I might be late, I am running down the street and texting, running a minute late.....So I get it with her.

That said, if my spouse was wrangling a kid in the car, I would probably not leave them alone.

My solution for you is to plan to leave even earlier with your three year old so this is not an issue -adjust to her time zone if you know that is how her family rolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be me (but it isn't). When my family says to arrive at 5pm they mean 4:55pm. It is very anxiety provoking for me to be late to a family event, and I admit I don't handle it in the best way if the kids are taking 20 minutes to tie their shoes etc.

Do we have the same parents? My mom will show up 5 minutes early to a scheduled zoom call and text me to ask why I haven't started the meeting yet. I hate that I become anxious and may yell at kids and husband, but, it is an extremely hard dynamic to break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to be late is normal, but running out to her parents house and leaving you and the child behind instead of just texting her folks that y’all would be late is definitely weird. What are her parents like? Do they seem like they’d flip if she was late?

This. The normal response would be to call/ text apologize and explain your tardiness. Normal people can understand 3 yo old being unpredictable. Healthy people in healthy families don't hold it against you.

[Anonymous]

Be on time for a party but don’t be early. I hate when people do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be me (but it isn't). When my family says to arrive at 5pm they mean 4:55pm. It is very anxiety provoking for me to be late to a family event, and I admit I don't handle it in the best way if the kids are taking 20 minutes to tie their shoes etc.

Do we have the same parents? My mom will show up 5 minutes early to a scheduled zoom call and text me to ask why I haven't started the meeting yet. I hate that I become anxious and may yell at kids and husband, but, it is an extremely hard dynamic to break.

You are not little girls anymore stop trying to please mommy and daddy - you won't. It's not now nore was it ever your job to please them. Your job and responsibilities are to the family and the children you created and raising them in a healthy manner. Break the cycle now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

I wonder if you host people very often. Or maybe you host just within your own extended family, so you don't realize that this is not the norm?

We host frequently - maybe every 2-3 weeks, we host: casual drinks with friends, dinner parties ranging from one other couple to 25 people for a sit down meal, bbqs, cocktail parties etc. No one every comes at exactly on time.

[Anonymous]

We hosted birthday parties for the kids every year when they were small, we host frequent happy hours at our house (very casual, usually on the front lawn or deck). We don’t do formal dinners very often - just holidays.
Maybe it’s because we live in Ganglandia, but almost everyone shows up on time. Believe me they’re chomping at the bit for 5pm happy hour!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

I wonder if you host people very often. Or maybe you host just within your own extended family, so you don't realize that this is not the norm?

We host frequently - maybe every 2-3 weeks, we host: casual drinks with friends, dinner parties ranging from one other couple to 25 people for a sit down meal, bbqs, cocktail parties etc. No one every comes at exactly on time.

Where do you live? Wondering if this is regional.

[Anonymous]

Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

[Anonymous]

Two different cultures who don't mix.

One of them has a lot more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

There was no meltdown, just a 3-year-old being 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

Do you understand how stressful it is to be around someone who is chronically late and doesn’t give a sh¡t about anyone’s time but the their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t believe people are defending the wife here, unless the posters also have anxiety and don’t realize how stressful it is being around someone who begins worrying about being late way before the time even when everyone getting ready is perfectly on time. It’s super stressful being around someone who can’t handle time related anxiety.

Dumping me without permission with a crying kid because you are stressed would lead to a serious marital fight in my house! Why was OP the one responsible for the 3 year old having a meltdown and not both her parents?

There was no meltdown, just a 3-year-old being 3.

Fine - so remind me why this is only the dad’s problem and not also hers?

[Anonymous]

All the ppl who were excusing the wife and telling OP to budget more time to allow 3 yr shenanigans--why aren't you holding the wife to the same standards? If she's prone to such anxiety of being late, then the onus is on her to budget more time to get the 3 yr ready.

Running out and dumping the kid on her spouse is rude as f*ck in any relationship and nothing excuses it.