Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Two different cultures:

1. I want to share my love with people by finding ways to enjoy each other.

2. I want people to show me they love me by performing oddly specific tasks.

Finding ways like showing up late so that you have less time together? Genius plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Well, that's a you problem. If I say come over at 5, everything is sparking and ready to go at 4:45. I can manage my time. You?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's probably because she's super fed up with how you are "laid back" and use that as an excuse to be habitually late, unreliable, and generally slack off in life. It's an incredibly irritating trait in a husband. It's not just this one event, it's all of it. This was just the last straw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Well, that's a you problem. If I say come over at 5, everything is sparking and ready to go at 4:45. I can manage my time. You?

Nobody marry this lady's kid..

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea, OP-- why don't you be "flexible" by being on time? Break your normal routine, try a different way of doing things! If you were really as flexible as you think you are, you'd be able to adjust to being on time. And see oh how fun life can be when you're not constantly annoying the people you're supposed to care about!

[Anonymous]

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2015/02/06/seven-reasons-wife-acts-stressed-time/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s being very rigid but as an on-timer myself I will say that I start to have an anxiety attack when we begin to run late. I will get unreasonably worked up and the best way for me to handle it is to leave immediately and be as close to on time as possible. I’m probably not quite as rigid as your wife is… in your example situation I would probably have stayed the extra 10 minutes to get kid ready, but it would have bothered me deeply and taken me an hour or two to recover from. Yea, probably unreasonable but I somehow got conditioned this way growing up and I can’t shake it off although I have loosened up quite a bit (I’m married to a very laid back on time kind of person).

I’m the same way. Grew up with family members who instilled the importance of being timely. I would not have left you all there though. That’s probably a bit too far. I would’ve been anxious and upset though even if were 10 mins late. There are people who judge those who are late. Maybe she’s a perfectionist. I am and it’s extremely difficult living this way. My DH has been helping me a lot in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, wierd. Does she have autism?




Out of curiosity what makes you suggest autism? My first thought is she’s a type A perfectionist rigid individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is peeved that he was called out for his lateness, and that he didn't win the contest of Who Will My Wife Cater To The Most.

And Docile Parent of the Year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

I'm assuming she got her attitude about time from her parents. They probably raised her to be like that and share similar views.

Instead of asking who's right and who's wrong, come up with solutions. "If we're running late, instead of showing up separately, what's a way we can show people we respect them and their time while being realistic about what's happening in the moment with our family?" Let her come up with solutions she would be ok with - texting/calling the person letting them know what happened and the new ETA, getting ready as a family even earlier so you don't run late in the first place, making plans with a range (ex 5-5:30) instead of an exact minute.

[Anonymous]

You had no way of knowing your 3 yr old would only delay you by 10 minutes. It could have been a half hour. Your wife did the right thing. Another right thing to do would have been to call or text the hosts to say you're running late and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Something is up in the relationship with her parents. They are where she got this anxiety and something about them pushes it into the red, such that she’s walking out the door in order to be “on time” in this scenario.

Frankly, I’d worry about that backstory a bit.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who was chronically late and I would sometimes just leave. Sometimes he wouldn't even pay enough attention to notice when I did, and then be completely stunned by what time it was and that I was gone. He was better after ADHD medication. But sometimes drastic action is what it takes to give someone a reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly 15 mins is unrealistic. Change the out-the-door time to 30 mins and everyone can relax.

It seems like it makes sense, but it is just going to displace the moment of freakout to getting stuck for traffic or construction or wev.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.