Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

I hate being late too. HATE.

Probably she didn't want to be late AND deal with the kid so it was a good time to let you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t describe the two of you as “laid back” and “rigid”. It implies a negative characteristic to your wife, which is not the case. The two of you are just different in your approach. To you, 5:00 pm means 5-5:15. To her, it means 5:00 at the latest. To someone else, it could be anytime between 6-7 (yup, where I grew up, this would have been the norm).

I don’t think either of you will change the other. What she did, reduces conflict. Rather than simmering and hurrying you on, she did what’s comfortable for her, and you and dd managed at your own comfortable pace. It’s fine.

It was interesting to me that you think it’s ok to be late to in laws, but not a restaurant. To her, it’s same, late is late.

[Anonymous]

So, I can be a little like this when it involves my family because THEY are super anxious and rigid around plans. Visits are peppered with multiple texts about where to park and minute by minute play by plays. And these are for people who live in town and we see regularly. It's a lot. Drives my DH nuts in general and his response is to ignore and shrug off whereas mine is to accommodate and mimic (even if I don't want to). They all get along, this is just not their best character trait and it irks my DH (as things about his generally wonderful parents irk me).

Now that my parents have moved away, it happens less. I think because they transfer their anxiety onto other things.

Is it possible it's coming from her family of origin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds rigid but also sounds like you are someone who is frequently late and maybe she is tired of it, and has decided she isnt waiting for you anymore.

Nothing in op’s post implies that.

Disagree. Even rigid on time people don’t walk out the door and drop responsibility into someone else’s hands. Suspect that husband has a history of being late, not giving two rocks about it, additionally frustrated about child’s wrangingly not being started earlier to accommodate the arrival, and by walking out was dropping that task in husband’s lap to handle in full.

Doesn't make sense. She could sit and read a book and wait for husband to wrangle. No reason to leave early unless she actually felt the arrival time was important.

You wrote that she wasn't rigid, and then proceeded to say twice that she was in fact rigid.

I’m not the earlier poster, I never said she wasn’t rigid. I fully believe she can be rigid about time, AND he can suck about time and getting the kid ready and she’s over it(as evidenced by her full on walking out the door and going to her parents). Why would she read a book when he’s the late one and she’s ready to go. Also, good on her for not falling for his bad planning and not stepping in to solve it.

[Anonymous]

I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Team three year old daughter.

Wwwwwwaaaahhhhhhhhh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being late IS very disrespectful to others, so I'm team wife here. She's being a little rigid, but I think there's probably more to this story. Seems like she's fed up with your crap maybe.

This. People accusing other people of being "rigid" about being on time usually have poor time management skills or are comfortable being disrespectful of others. Your wife is fed up with you. And if you failed to do your part in getting the family ready to leave, that's probably why. She's the one who will take blowback from her family about being late, you'll probably be oblivious to it.

My DH always leaves getting ready until the last possible second and then gets stressed and hectors the kids through a very rushed timeline. Guess what, that leads to tantrums! They behave a lot better and get ready a lot better if they have enough time and aren't being pressured by a stressed-out adult. If you can't see this, OP, you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

Agree with this. Taking off and leaving you with the kid instead of just picking up the phone to call her Mom is bizarre behavior. Did her parents used to beat her if she was late to something?

Also, typical DCUM, piling on the OP and inventing facts about behavior patterns, etc. to support doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

Agree with this. Taking off and leaving you with the kid instead of just picking up the phone to call her Mom is bizarre behavior. Did her parents used to beat her if she was late to something?

Also, typical DCUM, piling on the OP and inventing facts about behavior patterns, etc. to support doing so.

She doesn't want to, because that is also disrespectful. Respectful is being on time. Calling with a pathetic excuse is disrespectful. You can only call and make excuses if you have a better reason than "I failed to plan in advance and to manage my child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the backstory though?
My husband has adhd that wasn't diagnosed for years and he refuses treatment. It was really confusing to me how time didn't matter to him, no matter what. He never apologized, was actually angry I questioned him. It was always the traffic or someone else's fault. We were late to important things like a funeral, niece's birthday, etc. I learned to take my own vehicle when necessary.

He still doesn't leave the house until the time he is supposed to be at appointments. He will do things like start washing the car when we are already supposed to be on the road. We've been married over 30 years and raised children so we make it work but I always have to be the responsible one. When the kids had sports and other activities, we often had 2 vehicles there because I had all the necessary supplies and left on time with the kids. He showed up as the happy go lucky dad.

This is my life! I’m glad to know I’m not alone…though my husband doesn’t have ADHD.
It’s so hard to know how much is intentional. It will be the time we agreed to leave and I’ll be heading to the door when I hear him start to play guitar in the basement. Grrrrr…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

I think OP knows the expectation of his ILs that they should be on time but conveniently left it out so it supports his view that it is his wife's problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should have reversed the genders in your post if you wanted any sympathy here. Then everyone would have been piling on the rigid husband and MIL instead.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

So the next time they will. There can be leeway for toddlers. Sometimes people can’t get their shxx together. We are all human.