AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Your family sounds like a bunch of morons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like they are throwing out ideas and you are sitting there complaining. Help plan.

Why? She isn't going.

Op my MIL used to dictate everyone's plans, including who was staying where and involving other people's houses. Johnny, Jenny and their kids would stay at Larlo's and Larla's, etc.

We just stopped going to things.

Tell them you have to work, and will be unable to attend or provide childcare.

Quoting myself. MIL also used to try to dictate what people would do with their time off. "Well, D is off these days and so is S, so we'll do the thing those days." She didn't check with anyone she just planned it. Then was upset when most of us carried on with our own lives.

Do not let this happen. Make it a clear NO this time and put a stop to any future interference in your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

Considering kids have died under care.com “care,” you need to STFU with your judgment:
https://erdorsey2.medium.com/care-com-multiple-deaths-and-child-abuses-fraudulent-billing-and-a-harvey-weinstein-babysitter-7468edb54ea0

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I only use trusted babysitters I personally know and have a longstanding relationship with, after I’ve personally checked their references. We only use sitters who have at least one time worked for licensed daycare centers. But if you are comfortable leaving your kids with a total stranger, feel free.

Seriously. Anyone who is willing leave their kids with some random stranger they met online in a strange town for the night is a horrible parent l.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've turned down a few weddings because of lack of childcare and would have absolutely no issues doing the same here. You are completely in the right to say no.

I have gone to a mid-week wedding for a close family member but our children were all invited to that wedding.

If someone is going to have a wedding during work/school hours and not invite kids, they can expect "nays" from working parents.

Who the hell are these people getting married today? Just don't invite guests if you don't really want them.

I don't think it's the bride and groom with the issue here. And for all we know they don't really care much if the cousins come. Maybe their parents guilt tripped them into inviting them. Anyway, this weekend was always going to be a problem for OPs BIL since the wife has a marathon scheduled. But maybe for other reasons this time and date worked best for them.

[Anonymous]

Only read the first 5 pages, but enough to agree with some PPs.

OP stays home with her kids. DH goes with his parents and brother to the wedding. BIL leaves his kids home with their mom to handle them.

I would explicitly say that I am not willing to handle four kids under 5 by myself. For me, I would be willing to handle all four kids if BIL hires a babysitter that comes and helps manage the kids. I can't imagine changing the 1 yo's diaper with a 2, 3 and 5 year old running around unsupervised. But having an extra adult set of hands is fine for me. So, BIL can find someone on care.com that will come and help me with the kids and I'd be okay, otherwise he has to leave them at home with their mom. But, this is a little safer than just randomly hiring someone because I will be there to monitor for safety, but I won't have to do all of the childcare by myself.

That's what would work for me, but OP has to decide if it would work for her before offering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only read the first 5 pages, but enough to agree with some PPs.

OP stays home with her kids. DH goes with his parents and brother to the wedding. BIL leaves his kids home with their mom to handle them.

I would explicitly say that I am not willing to handle four kids under 5 by myself. For me, I would be willing to handle all four kids if BIL hires a babysitter that comes and helps manage the kids. I can't imagine changing the 1 yo's diaper with a 2, 3 and 5 year old running around unsupervised. But having an extra adult set of hands is fine for me. So, BIL can find someone on care.com that will come and help me with the kids and I'd be okay, otherwise he has to leave them at home with their mom. But, this is a little safer than just randomly hiring someone because I will be there to monitor for safety, but I won't have to do all of the childcare by myself.

That's what would work for me, but OP has to decide if it would work for her before offering.

Sorry, why is it OP's job to schlep her kids to an out of town location to serve as a free nanny with a stranger? Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only read the first 5 pages, but enough to agree with some PPs.

OP stays home with her kids. DH goes with his parents and brother to the wedding. BIL leaves his kids home with their mom to handle them.

I would explicitly say that I am not willing to handle four kids under 5 by myself. For me, I would be willing to handle all four kids if BIL hires a babysitter that comes and helps manage the kids. I can't imagine changing the 1 yo's diaper with a 2, 3 and 5 year old running around unsupervised. But having an extra adult set of hands is fine for me. So, BIL can find someone on care.com that will come and help me with the kids and I'd be okay, otherwise he has to leave them at home with their mom. But, this is a little safer than just randomly hiring someone because I will be there to monitor for safety, but I won't have to do all of the childcare by myself.

That's what would work for me, but OP has to decide if it would work for her before offering.

Sorry, why is it OP's job to schlep her kids to an out of town location to serve as a free nanny with a stranger? Just no.

I think PP meant OP would stay home and a sitter for BIL’s kids would come to her place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

Terrible, boundary-challenged advice. The OP does have a child-care plan. OP is providing care for her children so DH can attend his family’sc wedding. BIL has boundary problems. This post is so off-base, it could be BIL.

[Anonymous]

So it's dandy that BIL can come solo and no one's reaming him over the fact his wife isn't also attending? A marathon is an OK excuse for the in-laws, but your jobs (and the fact your regular sitters all have day jobs) and children are NOT an OK excuse for the in-laws? I'm smelling some double standard among the ILs here, OP. And as someone said earlier: Your BIL assumed your family was his child care plan. Well, that was dumb of him.

DH goes. Period. It's his cousin, FFS. I dont' care if this was a "close as a sibling!" cousin, it's a cousin and wedding invitations are not summonses. You stay home, order pizza or whatever, have a nice late afternoon movie with the kids, watch a movie for yourself in the evening. And feel zero guilt.

But your DH should go prepared with some lines to say whenever anyone says anything like: "Where's Sally?" or "Cousin's special day is just not the same now because you couldn't get a sitter!" or other idiocy. Seriously. Talk to DH about pat little lines to toss off becasue he's going to get crap, and he should be able to enjoy the wedding at least a little. "Sally couldn't make it. Wow, this cake is great!" "Sorry you feel that way about it. I sure thought the ceremony was nice, didn't you?" and so on. If I winged it at a wedding like this, I'd end up snarking at one of these pushy relatives over this whole issue, so some pat answers that deflect away from the topic would be helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only read the first 5 pages, but enough to agree with some PPs.

OP stays home with her kids. DH goes with his parents and brother to the wedding. BIL leaves his kids home with their mom to handle them.

I would explicitly say that I am not willing to handle four kids under 5 by myself. For me, I would be willing to handle all four kids if BIL hires a babysitter that comes and helps manage the kids. I can't imagine changing the 1 yo's diaper with a 2, 3 and 5 year old running around unsupervised. But having an extra adult set of hands is fine for me. So, BIL can find someone on care.com that will come and help me with the kids and I'd be okay, otherwise he has to leave them at home with their mom. But, this is a little safer than just randomly hiring someone because I will be there to monitor for safety, but I won't have to do all of the childcare by myself.

That's what would work for me, but OP has to decide if it would work for her before offering.

+1

I try to help family when possible but handling 4 kids those ages, alone, is a huge ask. I would be open to it if BIL paid a sitter to help out- either one of OP’s regular sitters or a new sitter (which should be fine if OP is present). Also BIL should be hustling back to get the kids ASAP after the wedding events.

But I agree- that is me, and OP is certainly under no obligation to consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only read the first 5 pages, but enough to agree with some PPs.

OP stays home with her kids. DH goes with his parents and brother to the wedding. BIL leaves his kids home with their mom to handle them.

I would explicitly say that I am not willing to handle four kids under 5 by myself. For me, I would be willing to handle all four kids if BIL hires a babysitter that comes and helps manage the kids. I can't imagine changing the 1 yo's diaper with a 2, 3 and 5 year old running around unsupervised. But having an extra adult set of hands is fine for me. So, BIL can find someone on care.com that will come and help me with the kids and I'd be okay, otherwise he has to leave them at home with their mom. But, this is a little safer than just randomly hiring someone because I will be there to monitor for safety, but I won't have to do all of the childcare by myself.

That's what would work for me, but OP has to decide if it would work for her before offering.

Sorry, why is it OP's job to schlep her kids to an out of town location to serve as a free nanny with a stranger? Just no.

I said OP should stay home with her kids. Where did you get the idea I suggested that OP is schlepping her kids anywhere?

I also said that if BIL was going to bring his kids to OP's house that he needs to hire another person (like from care.com) to come and help OP watch 4 kids under 5. Did you quote the wrong response to reply to?

[Anonymous]

When my kids were little and friends were having a childfree wedding, we would either find a sitter and attend happily or send regrets and good wishes and stay home. In neither case did ILs or others hound us. If they had, we definitely would have stayed home, happy as anything not to be putting ourselves out for the sake of bossy douchebags.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be ok with having a stranger come into my home to watch my BIL's young kids but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with having a stranger come into my home to watch my BIL's young kids but YMMV.

It's pretty unnecessary given that OP is 2 hours away and BIL is flying in. Surely he's not making a day trip with a 1 and 3 year old and round trip flights. The sitter could go wherever he's staying.

But he doesn't want to actually arrange or pay for a sitter, he wants someone else to do it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am impressed with your BIL - flying with a 1 YO and 3 YO by himself. How long is the flight?
(These is no way I would watch kids after that)

I'm less impressed that he booked flights with no childcare plan, just assuming someone else would figure it out for him

This! Who the heck books airfare with young kids to a child free wedding without securing childcare ahead of time? If anyone ITA it’s BIL. There’s nothing here to be impressed about.