AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

NTA. I have tried to find sitters for weddings in random locales and have NEVER been able to find someone with care.com, etc.

Definitely don't burn your PTO to babysit someone else's kids. But maybe offer to take the cousin's kids if he drops them at your place at noon? For the record, I don't think you are obligated to do this; I am just throwing it out there as an idea if you want to offer help.

[Anonymous]

You stay home with your kids. BIL and wife need to make own arrangements. Be firm and don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

You’re not in the wrong and watching 4 kids that young is too much. So def do what you need to do. if you want to try to make it work, could you handle them for the afternoon and hire a babysitter or have your mom come after work hours to help thru dinner / bed? It’s still a lot though!

[Anonymous]

I think your DH should go alone, and if they want you to watch the other kids - hire a babysitter for help and have them pay for it????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH should go alone, and if they want you to watch the other kids - hire a babysitter for help and have them pay for it????

And I would just say I can't take the day off work - so do with that what they want.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My mom cannot take PTO. Her parents are (thankfully!) still both alive and in their 90s so she uses/saves all her PTO taking them to doctors appts and caring for them. 2/3 of our regular sitters are full time nannies and I feel weird about asking them to leave their full time families in a childcare lurch for the day. The other one is in both grad school and works during the day.

But you're right- I'm pretty indifferent about going in general just because the amount of mental work, logistical planning, and money (wedding gift, 4hr drive, sitter @ $25hr, possible hotel room) just doesn't feel worth it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol I love how all these *ssholes can’t figure anything out when the moms (OP and SIL) abdicate their roles.

OP if I were you I would send DH alone and say you can’t help with BIL kids.

OP here and wow, this is it now that you blatantly said this. SIL and I (even though we are the in laws, married to brothers) handle most if not all of extended family planning logistics.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand. Why can’t DH go alone and you handle your kids for the night?

And no you should not have to be the babysitter for the other kids. Everyone else gets to party and you stay home with four cousins? Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

OP, do not listen to this. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your kids with someone you found online. You are not obligated to attend and also not obligated to watch all of your family's kids. Let your husband deal with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My mom cannot take PTO. Her parents are (thankfully!) still both alive and in their 90s so she uses/saves all her PTO taking them to doctors appts and caring for them. 2/3 of our regular sitters are full time nannies and I feel weird about asking them to leave their full time families in a childcare lurch for the day. The other one is in both grad school and works during the day.

But you're right- I'm pretty indifferent about going in general just because the amount of mental work, logistical planning, and money (wedding gift, 4hr drive, sitter @ $25hr, possible hotel room) just doesn't feel worth it to me.

It’s not.

Your DH family is projecting their disappointment/frustration that their cheapness (because a 3pm Friday wedding is cheaper for a reason) is causing people to not be able to attend, onto you. It’s easier to be mad at others than admit your own family members were cheapskates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

Considering kids have died under care.com “care,” you need to STFU with your judgment:
https://erdorsey2.medium.com/care-com-multiple-deaths-and-child-abuses-fraudulent-billing-and-a-harvey-weinstein-babysitter-7468edb54ea0

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I only use trusted babysitters I personally know and have a longstanding relationship with, after I’ve personally checked their references. We only use sitters who have at least one time worked for licensed daycare centers. But if you are comfortable leaving your kids with a total stranger, feel free.

[Anonymous]

DH goes alone. You stay home.

[Anonymous]

" No, I have to be at work."

[Anonymous]

They seem to not care at all if you don't come. Seems like the issue really is who will watch your BILs kids?

[Anonymous]

I am confused - who typically provides childcare for your 2 YO after 12:30?

Why can't that person be involved in the childcare for you going to the wedding?