AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

NTA. Weddings should be about celebrating your love with the people you care about. I don't understand why so many people exclude kids from that equation, but to each their own, I guess. You send your regrets, wish them well, and send a nice gift. Especially for a cousin (not a sibling), it's unreasonable of your DH's family to ask you to bend over backwards to make this work for your family and for his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a dysfunctional family. If they don't want kids, that is fine, but then they need it let it go if some people don't come. Nobody has to justify their concerns or their kid's personality or any of that. If you don't want to leave your kid with a random sitter no need. If you don't want to be designated babysitter to your kids and the cousins that is fine too. If they want to make it easy for all to attend then they invite kids. Simple.

Sounds like the wedding couple doesn't care to make it easy for all to attend. A wedding at 3:00 pm on a Friday is difficult even for people without kids.

It's DH's parents (presumably the aunt and uncle of the bride or groom, since DH is a cousin) that are throwing a fit about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give us an update? What did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am impressed with your BIL - flying with a 1 YO and 3 YO by himself. How long is the flight?
(These is no way I would watch kids after that)

🙄 everyone is always impressed by a man who does what a mom does daily.

Don’t watch your BILs kids he assumed he’d hatch into your plan without even asking first. Nannies don’t want to watch 4 kids overnight!

Hold firm.

But he did ask, right?
Three months prior to the wedding, he called and said that he was planning on coming out and asked if their nanny could watch all four kids or if they could hire childcare together.

Personally, I wouldn’t go to this wedding either. But I would if DH’s brother was flying into town for it. That’s a different situation.

I would also watch my BIL’s kids for an evening so that DH could hang out with his brother. I wouldn’t expect someone flying in from out of town to arrange their own childcare.

The OP situation is:
wedding is 2 hours drive for OP one way-traffic?
no kids wedding is at 3 pm on a Friday- ceremony. Reception?
intended babysitter by MIL is OP not a nanny- OP uses PTO, rents a hotel room, all to babysit?

This thing is not a fly to DCA and all local wedding events. This MIL is so off base- what's next for BIL's benefit on the request list? Airport pick up in Philadlphia and OP lives in Rockville?

I guess that the way I read it is that the wedding is 2 hours away, which isn’t local, but is definitely an easy day trip. BIL assumed that his brother was going, and he called several months before the wedding to see if they could share childcare.
OP’s only childcare option is herself. BIL asked about hiring a sitter they could share so they could all go to the wedding. OP shot that down. So, MIL asked if OP could just watch all of the kids.
I’m not saying that they are perfect, but this isn’t a heinous ask.

Also, remember that BIL is not anxious about taking care of kids. He’s bringing his 1 & 3 year old on the plane and not worried about it. He probably doesn’t think that feeding four kids Mac n cheese and putting them in pajamas is going to go terribly badly either.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read past the opening post, but I sure hope OP does NOT agree to this insanity. Say no, OP. Definitely NTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I don't know a single person who would hire a complete stranger via an online app to watch their child.
But you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I don't know a single person who would hire a complete stranger via an online app to watch their child.
But you do you.

Well, I have!
I also went over to a complete stranger’s house to babysit when I was in college. My friend that organized all of us to babysit in college started a babysitting agency after we graduated, and I hired multiple sitters from her agency.
I also know people who use Bright Horizons through their work for back-up care.

Just yesterday morning, I hired a friend’s adult son’s girlfriend to drive my kids to school when I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t met her before yesterday.

Believe it or not, my kids are all still alive and well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I don't know a single person who would hire a complete stranger via an online app to watch their child.
But you do you.

Well, I have!
I also went over to a complete stranger’s house to babysit when I was in college. My friend that organized all of us to babysit in college started a babysitting agency after we graduated, and I hired multiple sitters from her agency.
I also know people who use Bright Horizons through their work for back-up care.

Just yesterday morning, I hired a friend’s adult son’s girlfriend to drive my kids to school when I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t met her before yesterday.

Believe it or not, my kids are all still alive and well.

DP - you didn't meet any of those caregivers online, come off it. They're all closely connected to people you know well and trust, which is a completely different scenario. Even the Bright Horizons back up care (which I've also used) is light years away from hiring someone you've never met through care.com and having them watch your very young kids, alone, in an unfamiliar town.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no way I am leaving kids with complete strangers. That solution is off the table. If there is no relative or known babysitter, we are not going. If husband wants to go without you that’s fine but then the couple has to feel “guilty” for making you stay home with kids. They don’t want this guilt which is why they are pushing care.com. You are not TA, they are and clearly they have no kids.

PPs who think you should trust strangers because they do and their kids are “alive” are jerks and probably bad parents so ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Can your FIL, BIL and DH go to the wedding? MIL should take care of the grandkids (BIL's kids) and you take care of your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am impressed with your BIL - flying with a 1 YO and 3 YO by himself. How long is the flight?
(These is no way I would watch kids after that)

🙄 everyone is always impressed by a man who does what a mom does daily.

Don’t watch your BILs kids he assumed he’d hatch into your plan without even asking first. Nannies don’t want to watch 4 kids overnight!

Hold firm.

But he did ask, right?
Three months prior to the wedding, he called and said that he was planning on coming out and asked if their nanny could watch all four kids or if they could hire childcare together.

Personally, I wouldn’t go to this wedding either. But I would if DH’s brother was flying into town for it. That’s a different situation.

I would also watch my BIL’s kids for an evening so that DH could hang out with his brother. I wouldn’t expect someone flying in from out of town to arrange their own childcare.

The OP situation is:
wedding is 2 hours drive for OP one way-traffic?
no kids wedding is at 3 pm on a Friday- ceremony. Reception?
intended babysitter by MIL is OP not a nanny- OP uses PTO, rents a hotel room, all to babysit?

This thing is not a fly to DCA and all local wedding events. This MIL is so off base- what's next for BIL's benefit on the request list? Airport pick up in Philadlphia and OP lives in Rockville?

I guess that the way I read it is that the wedding is 2 hours away, which isn’t local, but is definitely an easy day trip. BIL assumed that his brother was going, and he called several months before the wedding to see if they could share childcare.
OP’s only childcare option is herself. BIL asked about hiring a sitter they could share so they could all go to the wedding. OP shot that down. So, MIL asked if OP could just watch all of the kids.
I’m not saying that they are perfect, but this isn’t a heinous ask.

Also, remember that BIL is not anxious about taking care of kids. He’s bringing his 1 & 3 year old on the plane and not worried about it. He probably doesn’t think that feeding four kids Mac n cheese and putting them in pajamas is going to go terribly badly either.

You're reading it right, except that you forgot to add op would need to take paid leave (and said she doesn't have much) to babysit the kids.

I agree with op that I wouldn't let a stranger watch my kids either.

Bil just needs to arrange things for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

LOL. Yep, if OP hires a sitter it's a death sentence. You're on to something!

I don't know a single person who would hire a complete stranger via an online app to watch their child.
But you do you.

Well, I have!
I also went over to a complete stranger’s house to babysit when I was in college. My friend that organized all of us to babysit in college started a babysitting agency after we graduated, and I hired multiple sitters from her agency.
I also know people who use Bright Horizons through their work for back-up care.

Just yesterday morning, I hired a friend’s adult son’s girlfriend to drive my kids to school when I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t met her before yesterday.

Believe it or not, my kids are all still alive and well.

DP - you didn't meet any of those caregivers online, come off it. They're all closely connected to people you know well and trust, which is a completely different scenario. Even the Bright Horizons back up care (which I've also used) is light years away from hiring someone you've never met through care.com and having them watch your very young kids, alone, in an unfamiliar town. :roll:

I wouldn’t use care.com either. (Frankly, though, I feel more worried about the girls posting ads on care.com going over to a stranger’s home than I do about the kids getting looked after). But you don’t have to. There are nanny agencies/babysitting agencies all over that vet and interview candidates. My friend’s agency isn’t the only one.

And of course leaving your kid with Bright Horizons backup care is leaving them with a stranger. You don’t know that person. How are they not a stranger?

[Anonymous]

care.com is really sketchy

You are much better getting a referral through a neighbor or friend.

[Anonymous]

Send DH to the wedding. DH takes one less vacation day (2 weeks prior) so he has 1 more day of PTO.

You stay home and watch your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NTA. Weddings should be about celebrating your love with the people you care about. I don't understand why so many people exclude kids from that equation, but to each their own, I guess. You send your regrets, wish them well, and send a nice gift. Especially for a cousin (not a sibling), it's unreasonable of your DH's family to ask you to bend over backwards to make this work for your family and for his brother.

Sometimes it just doesn't work, either due to capacity, the type of venue, time of day, etc. I have a really big extended family and there are now more descendants of my cousins than actual first cousins. It was not quite as many when I got married but I completely understand when my cousins who married later opted for no-kid weddings. They hardly know my kids to begin with since we're all spread out. I attended myself and DH stayed home with the kids, it was fine.