AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell gets married at 3 pm on a Friday and gets mad if people aren't able to attend??? I'd send DH by himself. I'm probably in the minority, but I'd offer to help with the cousins. It's just one night.

I’d be with you if she had been asked ahead of time. But it was just assumed she’d have something figured out for childcare for all 4 kids. Which is pretty crazy because even if the OP had managed to snag a 3 pm sitter, there aren’t a ton of sitters out there that would be willing to watch 4 very young children on their own during waking hours. The audacity of it all would have me saying no. If I were OP I’d plan something fun for me and the kids and tell BIL sorry, can’t take 4 kids with me. Not enough car seats or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've turned down a few weddings because of lack of childcare and would have absolutely no issues doing the same here. You are completely in the right to say no.

I have gone to a mid-week wedding for a close family member but our children were all invited to that wedding.

If someone is going to have a wedding during work/school hours and not invite kids, they can expect "nays" from working parents.

Who the hell are these people getting married today? Just don't invite guests if you don't really want them.

Honestly the whole thing sounds like the bride and groom should expect a bunch of Nos. Middle of the work day. Kid free. Remote location.

Maybe you can pick 1 or 2 of those and still get a pretty good turnout. But if you choose to have a wedding that is very inconvenient for your guests then understand that people are going to decide it’s too much work for them to attend. Based on what we know of this wedding, I wonder what other costs have been saved at the guests’ expense. 3 pm on a weekday makes me think it’s going to be light apps and cash bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh's cousin is getting married at 3pm on a Friday two hours away from home so we'd have to leave by noon at the latest if we went. Our kids are 5 and 2. On Fridays, our older one gets out of school at 3pm and our little one only has a half day of daycare til 12:30 then comes home for nap. DH's whole family will be at the wedding obviously so they can't watch the kids, my mom still works full time, and our 3 regular sitters also work full time. We are going on a vacation two weeks before the wedding and don't really have extra PTO to burn either.

For some reason this has spiraled into a huge family issue. DH's brother called last night and said that he is planning on coming in to town for the wedding with his 3yo and 1yo because his wife has a marathon that weekend and asked if whoever is watching our kids can watch his too. We said we weren't planning on going because we don't have anyone to watch the kids. Then he suggests that we split an AirBnb near the wedding (in the middle of literal nowhere) and "find a local babysitter" to watch all 4 kids. Then was annoyed when we said we weren't leaving our kids in a strange house with a strange person. Finally, MIL calls and suggests that she, FIL, DH, and BIL just go to the wedding as a family and I take the day off work and have all 4 kids (1, 2, 3, and 5yo) by myself overnight.

I'm perfectly happy with DH going to the wedding alone and staying home with my kids, but I don't have a PTO day to take and just really don't want the 4 little kids alone for the night. AITA?

I’d say to your in laws “oh, no you must have misunderstood, I’m not going to the wedding. And BIL mentioned getting an Airbnb and finding a local sitter. Have a fun evening, send my best to the bride and groom.”

[Anonymous]

A cousin? Seriously?

A 3 PM Friday wedding? Who does that?

You are definitely not the arsehole here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A cousin? Seriously?

A 3 PM Friday wedding? Who does that?

You are definitely not the arsehole here

+1 that timing alone signals that these people have zero interest in guest convenience and couldn't care less if people are able to attend. And then making it childfree on top of it.

I would not bother jumping thru any hoops for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with having a stranger come into my home to watch my BIL's young kids but YMMV.

The recommendation was that OP stay home and a sitter comes to the home to help OP manage four kids (her two and BIL's two). OP would be there. The sitter's job would be to watch and entertain the kids while OP handled other duties like diapers, getting meals, cleaning up, etc. But then she would have someone to handle the four kids while she could handle the household chores.

[Anonymous]

BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

[Anonymous]

I still don’t understand why ILs are piling only on OP. If it’s that important the SIL can cancel her marathon and watch her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Lol I guess I’m AH because a Friday afternoon wedding would have been an absolute nonstarter for me, kids or no kids.

It’s an invitation, not a command performance. If you send your regrets politely and timely there is no need for an excuse. You’re an adult. You don’t need to explain yourself or account for your time or priorities.

And your In-laws seem overbearing btw. I can only imagine I would laugh in someone’s face from the sheer audacity and rudeness of volunteering me to babysit 4 kids while they all go off and enjoy themselves at a party. No effing way. That it’s on is the true AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

No way. Training for a marathon takes months! She should go and rock it. It sounds like she and BIL are okay with an on site sitter so they should find one and book it, without OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

No way. Training for a marathon takes months! She should go and rock it. It sounds like she and BIL are okay with an on site sitter so they should find one and book it, without OP.

+1

Idk why any of these people are involving OP. They sound super controlling. She already declined! She’s out. She’s not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell gets married at 3 pm on a Friday and gets mad if people aren't able to attend??? I'd send DH by himself. I'm probably in the minority, but I'd offer to help with the cousins. It's just one night.

I’d be with you if she had been asked ahead of time. But it was just assumed she’d have something figured out for childcare for all 4 kids. Which is pretty crazy because even if the OP had managed to snag a 3 pm sitter, there aren’t a ton of sitters out there that would be willing to watch 4 very young children on their own during waking hours. The audacity of it all would have me saying no. If I were OP I’d plan something fun for me and the kids and tell BIL sorry, can’t take 4 kids with me. Not enough car seats or whatever.

OP is going on a 2 week vacation between now and the wedding, and hasn't left yet, so presumably he asked at least 3 weeks before the wedding. Which is ahead of time. Asking if they can share childcare isn't unreasonable. The IL's idea of her watching 4 overnight is kinda unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell gets married at 3 pm on a Friday and gets mad if people aren't able to attend??? I'd send DH by himself. I'm probably in the minority, but I'd offer to help with the cousins. It's just one night.

Even a highly skilled nanny would not take this on. This is the stuff of nightmares.

It's 4 kids, two of them are her own. I don't see how two extra kids for the night is a nightmare, unless the cousins are absolute terrors who don't sleep at night. I used to be a nanny and weekend babysitter and there were many times I watched 4 young kids.

Really? The two extra kids are quite young, so, for starters, where will they be sleeping? Is the expectation that the OP will have an extra crib or two? If the 4 young kids that you watched were in their own homes, that really isn’t an apt comparison. I’d also guess that after a flight and being left in an unfamiliar household with someone who might also be unfamiliar to them could mean that even the most serene kids might need more than a bit of extra attention.

As many have said, OP should not attend the wedding, and stay home with her own kids. BIL can make his own arrangements. I’m surprised that whoever is planning the wedding didn’t also arrange for childcare options to make it easier /possible for more people to attend.

[Anonymous]

Hell no to watching 4 kids. DH goes and you watch your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with having a stranger come into my home to watch my BIL's young kids but YMMV.

It's pretty unnecessary given that OP is 2 hours away and BIL is flying in. Surely he's not making a day trip with a 1 and 3 year old and round trip flights. The sitter could go wherever he's staying.

But he doesn't want to actually arrange or pay for a sitter, he wants someone else to do it for him.

Yup