How to talk to 14yo about waiting to have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What opportunities does she have to be alone with this bf? That is what I would focus on. Remove the opportunities where she has to make a decision. Connect with the parent of the boyfriend and have a conversation about what’s okay and what’s not okay: No time in a bedroom with closed door, no time at home without another adult present, etc. Of course, kids will figure out how to be alone if they’re dead set on making it happen. That doesn’t mean the adults aren’t obligated to make it as difficult as possible.

Exactly!

My 14 year old son has a girlfriend and they don’t have opportunities for things to happen. I suppose he could sneak her in when he’s home alone, but, we’d kill him and so would her parents. Plus it’s hard to arrange sneaking around when you aren’t old enough to drive.

I've had friends say this to me. It takes 5 minutes to have sex in corner. 5 minutes. Think like a teenager...

They aren’t dogs. Most 14 yr old girls aren’t wanting to have sex in the bushes in under 5 min with a guy they never see outside of class. If they feel like the boy isn’t their “boyfriend” they are unlikely to engage in quick random sex

Except preventing them from being public with their relationship doesn't make them feel like he isn't a boyfriend. They can go to the dance, but he can't be her date because mom said no. So, they meet at dance and do everything they would have done if mom wasn't so obnoxious. Except now, there's the weird pressure that she can't talk to mom without getting grounded. Plus the forbidden aspect of desire, so now she has to set up dates with a cover, Larla and I want to go see a movie together, but by completely unplanned happenstance her no boyfriend is there watching the same movie. Atleast until he gives her a strep test with his tongue (he's an idiot 14 yo, the kissing will get better). That's basically exactly what happened with my first gf whose mother wouldn't let her date either. Eventually negotiated down to 15 on the condition that I attended church and youth group weekly.

But there's another problem here, which is the straight up aggressive e-dating world kids live in now. There is way more societal pressure to do stuff either from a misguided interpretation of the sexual revolution that the freedom to choose means that you should exercise your choice lest you secretly aid the patriarchy. Or on the other end of the spectrum because someone told her that this is how to keep a boy interested, it's what they expect, and really the least she could do given all the running around and hiding from her mom.

I don't endorse pretending like you have no ability to influence your kids choice to engage in sexual activity and just throwing them a box of condoms at the first sign they have a potential partner. But I do think the best thing you can do is make your kid feel empowered to make good choices for themselves.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I see a shocking amount of people on this thread advocating abstinence-only.

Yes, at 14 and 15, absolutely.

Absolutely right.

Ok let us know how that works out for all of you. I plan to have a more realistic approach with my teen.

“More realistic approach” = sex at a young age. 😞

I would do anything to help my daughter avoid this.

No it doesn’t. It means proper sex education and telling them what to actually expect instead of some pie in the sky “just don’t have sex” BS.

My parents educated me and also told me not to. I respected them and listened. You are a lazy parent.

I love how you all assumed that I would tell him to go ahead and have sex. Not preaching absitance does not mean telling them to have sex FFS. You all just aren’t very bright.

You indeed implied that abstinence is not the way.

No I didn’t. I outright stated that preaching absotance at teens as the only way to get them to not have sex is ineffective and dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Why are you letting a 14yo date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

You're a horrible person. And also it won't work.

NP here. I think this is a brilliant idea.

But I think it will only work if the kid is indeed from an educated, functional and well off family and has a loving and present father. In other words, including class and upbringing only works if that is indeed the case.

Also throw in that after the boy gets what he wants from her he will slut shame her.

[Anonymous]

We just had this discussion with my son as a fellow 14 year old student was arrested for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow, that is a supremely sh*tty thing to say. So much for moms supporting moms. You're classist and awful.

Signed, not-rich widowed mother of fabulous kids.

And for OP: you're doing great with keeping lines of communication open with your daughter - she trusts you and that's wonderful.

No one is thinking of supporting moms. The idea here is for OP to support her daughter to not make stupid mistakes that will scuttle her life.

[Anonymous]

How are these teens finding the time to make boyfriends/girlfriends? My kid is too buy with academics and ECs. Plus, they have a very hectic social life and they are under constant supervision. They are always surrounded by family, classmates, friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers, coaches, tutors and their cohort. So where are they dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

This is a really ugly way of approaching the world and also sends a really ugly message to your daughter.

But I get it, you don't see it that way- one of those educated classy people.

Poor parents of slutty girls doth protest too much!!

'Educated and classy' is a slur only accoding to MAGA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

This is a really ugly way of approaching the world and also sends a really ugly message to your daughter.

But I get it, you don't see it that way- one of those educated classy people.

Poor parents of slutty girls doth protest too much!!

'Educated and classy' is a slur only accoding to MAGA.

Not the PP but I generally don’t assign any class to people who resort to calling children sluts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are these teens finding the time to make boyfriends/girlfriends? My kid is too buy with academics and ECs. Plus, they have a very hectic social life and they are under constant supervision. They are always surrounded by family, classmates, friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers, coaches, tutors and their cohort. So where are they dating?

This will bode well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

This is a really ugly way of approaching the world and also sends a really ugly message to your daughter.

But I get it, you don't see it that way- one of those educated classy people.

Poor parents of slutty girls doth protest too much!!

'Educated and classy' is a slur only according to MAGA.

Not the PP but I generally don’t assign any class to people who resort to calling children sluts.

oh ok. prostitute in making?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are these teens finding the time to make boyfriends/girlfriends? My kid is too buy with academics and ECs. Plus, they have a very hectic social life and they are under constant supervision. They are always surrounded by family, classmates, friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers, coaches, tutors and their cohort. So where are they dating?

Hence why the low income/“low class” girls are typically the ones having sex at 14. Nothing better to do..

[Anonymous]

Tell them that abortion is illegal in many states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. This is an offensive way of looking at things.

I do think it’s worth pointing out to a daughter that the world treats a sexually active young girl much differently than a sexually active young boy. Complete double standard that has not changed at all. Sad reality is these kids don’t have the maturity to keep this to themselves if anything happens and all their peers will be talking about it (and maybe already are). I can remember who these girls were in my day and my kids talk to me and they know who these kids are today and the girls are the ones who get gossiped about. (And yes I point this out to my kids and say it’s wrong.)

Also, she should be prepared for all his friends to know about it and to discuss it with their friends, some of whom will think your dd is a sl_t. Girls will treat her terribly and boys will say and do disgusting things to her. This happens when there is even a rumor, imagine how bad it will be when it's true.

I am the PP and this is true. It’s awful. ☹️☹️☹️

Social media - which ALL the kids have now - makes certain everyone will know. Like, within hours.

Not joking. It is the way things are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them that abortion is illegal in many states.

Our child has an IUD.

Abortion isn’t illegal or particular restricted in our state.