Reply to How to talk to 14yo about waiting to have sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What opportunities does she have to be alone with this bf? That is what I would focus on. Remove the opportunities where she has to make a decision. Connect with the parent of the boyfriend and have a conversation about what’s okay and what’s not okay: No time in a bedroom with closed door, no time at home without another adult present, etc. Of course, kids will figure out how to be alone if they’re dead set on making it happen. That doesn’t mean the adults aren’t obligated to make it as difficult as possible. [/quote]

Exactly!

My 14 year old son has a girlfriend and they don’t have opportunities for things to happen. I suppose he could sneak her in when he’s home alone, but, we’d kill him and so would her parents. Plus it’s hard to arrange sneaking around when you aren’t old enough to drive.[/quote]

I've had friends say this to me. It takes 5 minutes to have sex in corner. 5 minutes. Think like a teenager...[/quote]

They aren’t dogs.  Most 14 yr old girls aren’t wanting to have sex in the bushes in under 5 min with a guy they never see outside of class.   If they feel like the boy isn’t their “boyfriend” they are unlikely to engage in quick random sex [/quote]

Except preventing them from being public with their relationship doesn't make them feel like he isn't a boyfriend.  They can go to the dance, but he can't be her date because mom said no. So, they meet at dance and do everything they would have done if mom wasn't so obnoxious.  Except now, there's the weird pressure that she can't talk to mom without getting grounded.  Plus the forbidden aspect of desire, so now she has to set up dates with a cover, Larla and I want to go see a movie together, but by completely unplanned happenstance her no boyfriend is there watching the same movie.  Atleast until he gives her a strep test with his tongue (he's an idiot 14 yo, the kissing will get better).  That's basically exactly what happened with my first gf whose mother wouldn't let her date either.  Eventually negotiated down to 15 on the condition that I attended church and youth group weekly.

But there's another problem here, which is the straight up aggressive e-dating world kids live in now.  There is way more societal pressure to do stuff either from a misguided interpretation of the sexual revolution that the freedom to choose means that you should exercise your choice lest you secretly aid the patriarchy.  Or on the other end of the spectrum because someone told her that this is how to keep a boy interested, it's what they expect, and really the least she could do given all the running around and hiding from her mom.

I don't endorse pretending like you have no ability to influence your kids choice to engage in sexual activity and just throwing them a box of condoms at the first sign they have a potential partner.  But I do think the best thing you can do is make your kid feel empowered to make good choices for themselves.[/quote]

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