How to talk to 14yo about waiting to have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. This is an offensive way of looking at things.

I do think it’s worth pointing out to a daughter that the world treats a sexually active young girl much differently than a sexually active young boy. Complete double standard that has not changed at all. Sad reality is these kids don’t have the maturity to keep this to themselves if anything happens and all their peers will be talking about it (and maybe already are). I can remember who these girls were in my day and my kids talk to me and they know who these kids are today and the girls are the ones who get gossiped about. (And yes I point this out to my kids and say it’s wrong.)

Also, she should be prepared for all his friends to know about it and to discuss it with their friends, some of whom will think your dd is a sl_t. Girls will treat her terribly and boys will say and do disgusting things to her. This happens when there is even a rumor, imagine how bad it will be when it's true.

True, all of what the PPs are saying are true, offensive or not. Personally, I would say, no boyfriend at 14. Sorry, not sorry.

You cannot stop your DD from having sex. You can, and should, limit DD’s opportunity to. In addition to that, get her on long-term contraception & educate her about sex.

Ok, but if you aren’t allowing “dating” to happen, it is a lot less likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. This is an offensive way of looking at things.

I do think it’s worth pointing out to a daughter that the world treats a sexually active young girl much differently than a sexually active young boy. Complete double standard that has not changed at all. Sad reality is these kids don’t have the maturity to keep this to themselves if anything happens and all their peers will be talking about it (and maybe already are). I can remember who these girls were in my day and my kids talk to me and they know who these kids are today and the girls are the ones who get gossiped about. (And yes I point this out to my kids and say it’s wrong.)

Also, she should be prepared for all his friends to know about it and to discuss it with their friends, some of whom will think your dd is a sl_t. Girls will treat her terribly and boys will say and do disgusting things to her. This happens when there is even a rumor, imagine how bad it will be when it's true.

True, all of what the PPs are saying are true, offensive or not. Personally, I would say, no boyfriend at 14. Sorry, not sorry.

You cannot stop your DD from having sex. You can, and should, limit DD’s opportunity to. In addition to that, get her on long-term contraception & educate her about sex.

Ok, but if you aren’t allowing “dating” to happen, it is a lot less likely.

But you need to prepare for the possibility that your DD is having sex by doing the things I mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

You're a horrible person. And also it won't work.

No, I'm just an average native Washingtonian who wants my daughter to do better than me.

Oh. So you're cheap, low-class trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has bf of 6 months. First one. She’s fallen pretty hard for him. The feelings are definitely mutual. He is a good kid but I think they are engaging in at least some sexual activity and it’s going to progress. I have covered the birth control issue with her constantly - talked about it even before she had a bf. Talked about trust and self respect. I believe 14 is too young for sex. I talk about the emotional toll it can have on a girl in a new and young relationship, especially when that relationship eventually ends. Help. I need more to say about why to wait.

OP, 14 is not only too young for sex. It's too young for a BF of this intensity in the first place.

What activities is she involved in? What are her friends like? Is she focused on school and goals?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you might be sending mixed messages (lots of birth control talk but trying to convey that she should wait). Can you draw from your own experience or your friends’ experiences in talking to her? For example, I would tell my kid that everyone I knew who had sex young regretted it later, even if it took place in a steady relationship. More important than what you say, I think you have to do your best to deny them the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you might be sending mixed messages (lots of birth control talk but trying to convey that she should wait). Can you draw from your own experience or your friends’ experiences in talking to her? For example, I would tell my kid that everyone I knew who had sex young regretted it later, even if it took place in a steady relationship. More important than what you say, I think you have to do your best to deny them the opportunity.

That’s not “mixed messages,” that’s called “being smart.”

[Anonymous]

Possible conversation avenues:

"there are a lot of ways to show affection and intimacy in a relationship that don't involve high risks of pregnancy and STIs. In fact some of these are even more pleasurable to girls than regular sex."
"You can always say "no" even after you say "yes," even in the heat of the moment."
"Some high school relationships last a long time, but most don't. How will you feel being in class with someone you've been intimate with if you do end up breaking up or growing apart?"
"It's totally normal to be curious about these things and explore. That doesn't mean that you have to go all the way."
"I have a few friends who did it early in high school. Unfortunately they ended up getting dumped after the guy got what he wanted. They had been so in love and were crushed. Breaking up can feel really hard, but after you've gone all the way it may even feel more complicated."

[Anonymous]

Birth control and watch her take it daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Possible conversation avenues:

"there are a lot of ways to show affection and intimacy in a relationship that don't involve high risks of pregnancy and STIs. In fact some of these are even more pleasurable to girls than regular sex."
"You can always say "no" even after you say "yes," even in the heat of the moment."
"Some high school relationships last a long time, but most don't. How will you feel being in class with someone you've been intimate with if you do end up breaking up or growing apart?"
"It's totally normal to be curious about these things and explore. That doesn't mean that you have to go all the way."
"I have a few friends who did it early in high school. Unfortunately they ended up getting dumped after the guy got what he wanted. They had been so in love and were crushed. Breaking up can feel really hard, but after you've gone all the way it may even feel more complicated."

This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. This is an offensive way of looking at things.

I do think it’s worth pointing out to a daughter that the world treats a sexually active young girl much differently than a sexually active young boy. Complete double standard that has not changed at all. Sad reality is these kids don’t have the maturity to keep this to themselves if anything happens and all their peers will be talking about it (and maybe already are). I can remember who these girls were in my day and my kids talk to me and they know who these kids are today and the girls are the ones who get gossiped about. (And yes I point this out to my kids and say it’s wrong.)

Also, she should be prepared for all his friends to know about it and to discuss it with their friends, some of whom will think your dd is a sl_t. Girls will treat her terribly and boys will say and do disgusting things to her. This happens when there is even a rumor, imagine how bad it will be when it's true.

This is absolutely true.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I think what you told us in your script is a-ok: "I want you to wait because I think the emotional consequences of sexual involvement are bigger than most people think, and I want you to wait until you've had a little more life experience and chance to develop before you go that route."

That said, there's a huge bias here that vaginal intercourse (which I assume is what most people are talking about) is The Big Step that is more emotionally complex than hand-jobs, blow jobs, etc. Kids see those as a gateway to sex (adults do, too, I think), but something like performing oral sex, or receiving it, can be overwhelming (overwhelmingly great, true, but also A Lot, and it's not like our society is exactly good at talking about it with tons of shame, judgment, and titillation.) One question to ask yourself is whether you would be feeling these misgivings if your child were fooling around with another girl? With a non-binary kid? What are your opinions about penis-in-vagina sex (to be very blunt), and how can you unpack them for your kid? I'm not saying you're off-base, and you're entitled to your feelings and opinions, but I think that the clearer you can be with yourself, the more honest you can be with your kid and the more your message will resonate.

Also, if they have PIV, it's not the end of the world. Do leave the door open for your kid to come home and have you be someone they can admit to the uncomfortable feelings. It doesn't have to be graphic to the point of being uncomfortable, but I don't think we do ourselves any favors by only talking about what leads up to sex and never about anything once a sexual relationship has started.

With apologies for the digressiveness, those are my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

14yo. JFC. You are the parent - this is not possible unless you provide the conditions to make it possible.

Signed, parent of 14yo and 19yo kids

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t allow her to be alone with a boy unless she’s ready to raise a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

You're a horrible person. And also it won't work.

No, I'm just an average native Washingtonian who wants my daughter to do better than me.

Oh. So you're cheap, low-class trash.

Not cheap, didn't have sex at 14. But probably yes did trashy things as a teen and I hope my daughter makes better choices and shows more respect for herself and her reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has bf of 6 months. First one. She’s fallen pretty hard for him. The feelings are definitely mutual. He is a good kid but I think they are engaging in at least some sexual activity and it’s going to progress. I have covered the birth control issue with her constantly - talked about it even before she had a bf. Talked about trust and self respect. I believe 14 is too young for sex. I talk about the emotional toll it can have on a girl in a new and young relationship, especially when that relationship eventually ends. Help. I need more to say about why to wait.

OP, 14 is not only too young for sex. It's too young for a BF of this intensity in the first place.

What activities is she involved in? What are her friends like? Is she focused on school and goals?

+1 I have to agree. No team sports? Time with a tutor? Volunteering? As they say, “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.”