How to talk to 14yo about waiting to have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this thread might benefit from a story of someone who had good experiences of sexual activity in 9th grade. I had a long term bf in 9th grade, beginning at 14. I turned 15 in the winter of 9th grade, so hard to remember what we did when I was 14 v 15. We did a lot of “everything but” and he did not go blabbing all over school and there were not rumors or mean comments or insults hurled my way. This was at a large MCPS HS in the 90s. We had a very close relationship emotionally and a lot of joy exploring sexually. It was a good experience overall and I really have no regrets.

One of my HS friends who was the first to have seen a penis up close and personal (yes, at a youth group overnight and early on in 9th grade) is now happily married to that boy/man.

Are there risks? Yes. Is it reasonable for parents to recommend going slow and taking the time to try to ensure this is someone worthy of your trust? Of course. But sexual exploration at 14/15 and in 9th grade can turn out just fine too and is not a guarantee of bigger life problems.

Why would you promote sex at 14? You really are gross. This can wait to happen at 18 or older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is why the US has the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world. No understanding of the importance of openness, birth control & sex education.

Yep.

Tons of stupid parents in this thread, with their “well, MY daughter would NEVER!” aloof attitudes.

Guess most of them just need to find out the hard way.

No, not everyone has daughters who are sluts. It’s your mentality because you are presumable one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is why the US has the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world. No understanding of the importance of openness, birth control & sex education.

Yep.

Tons of stupid parents in this thread, with their “well, MY daughter would NEVER!” aloof attitudes.

Guess most of them just need to find out the hard way.

No, not everyone has daughters who are sluts. It’s your mentality because you are presumable one.

Right back at ya!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this thread might benefit from a story of someone who had good experiences of sexual activity in 9th grade. I had a long term bf in 9th grade, beginning at 14. I turned 15 in the winter of 9th grade, so hard to remember what we did when I was 14 v 15. We did a lot of “everything but” and he did not go blabbing all over school and there were not rumors or mean comments or insults hurled my way. This was at a large MCPS HS in the 90s. We had a very close relationship emotionally and a lot of joy exploring sexually. It was a good experience overall and I really have no regrets.

One of my HS friends who was the first to have seen a penis up close and personal (yes, at a youth group overnight and early on in 9th grade) is now happily married to that boy/man.

Are there risks? Yes. Is it reasonable for parents to recommend going slow and taking the time to try to ensure this is someone worthy of your trust? Of course. But sexual exploration at 14/15 and in 9th grade can turn out just fine too and is not a guarantee of bigger life problems.

Why would you promote sex at 14? You really are gross. This can wait to happen at 18 or older.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

Unfortunate or not, girls that are mentally stable, have good self esteem and a stable household aren’t having sex at 14. Of the girls having sex at 14, vast majority have a troubled life; be it mental issues or family issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this thread might benefit from a story of someone who had good experiences of sexual activity in 9th grade. I had a long term bf in 9th grade, beginning at 14. I turned 15 in the winter of 9th grade, so hard to remember what we did when I was 14 v 15. We did a lot of “everything but” and he did not go blabbing all over school and there were not rumors or mean comments or insults hurled my way. This was at a large MCPS HS in the 90s. We had a very close relationship emotionally and a lot of joy exploring sexually. It was a good experience overall and I really have no regrets.

One of my HS friends who was the first to have seen a penis up close and personal (yes, at a youth group overnight and early on in 9th grade) is now happily married to that boy/man.

Are there risks? Yes. Is it reasonable for parents to recommend going slow and taking the time to try to ensure this is someone worthy of your trust? Of course. But sexual exploration at 14/15 and in 9th grade can turn out just fine too and is not a guarantee of bigger life problems.

Why would you promote sex at 14? You really are gross. This can wait to happen at 18 or older.

+1

You say that until your dd turns up pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

Unfortunate or not, girls that are mentally stable, have good self esteem and a stable household aren’t having sex at 14. Of the girls having sex at 14, vast majority have a troubled life; be it mental issues or family issues

How do you know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

Unfortunate or not, girls that are mentally stable, have good self esteem and a stable household aren’t having sex at 14. Of the girls having sex at 14, vast majority have a troubled life; be it mental issues or family issues

How do you know this?

Not pp but fatherlessness is associated with a whole host of issues. Children raised by single fathers, however, don’t present those issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

Unfortunate or not, girls that are mentally stable, have good self esteem and a stable household aren’t having sex at 14. Of the girls having sex at 14, vast majority have a troubled life; be it mental issues or family issues

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Wow. So some unfortunate girl who has lost her father runs out to have sex? You are beyond ignorant. From my experience it's the girls with fathers. Uour speech is as low class as they come.

Unfortunate or not, girls that are mentally stable, have good self esteem and a stable household aren’t having sex at 14. Of the girls having sex at 14, vast majority have a troubled life; be it mental issues or family issues

How do you know this?

Not pp but fatherlessness is associated with a whole host of issues. Children raised by single fathers, however, don’t present those issues.

But specifically a correlation between sex at 14 and not having a father?

[Anonymous]

There is nothing my mother could have said that would have changed any of my behavior as a teen. I tuned her out. All it did was make me not want to talk to her because she was always lecturing about reasons to wait.

I have a teen son and daughter now. Neither are dating anyone but I discuss consent, safe sex, being careful in situations, being in groups/possibly under the influence and all sorts of things. I hope they wait a long time and are not under the influence of anything but we are realistic and want them to be prepared for anything.

DH and I talk about when it’s time to put a bunch of condoms in the bathroom for anyone to take. We haven’t yet but don’t know if we should. We don’t want to encourage sex but know the lecture and wait approach used by our parents didn’t work.

[Anonymous]

12:23 again, and for those of you saying never give them an opportunity to be alone - do you work? We both do. Our kids are alone every day after school. We aren’t going to quit our jobs.

I know that was a common time for me and my siblings to be at home alone with significant others, right after school while our parents were still at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is why the US has the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world. No understanding of the importance of openness, birth control & sex education.

Yep.

Tons of stupid parents in this thread, with their “well, MY daughter would NEVER!” aloof attitudes.

Guess most of them just need to find out the hard way.

This is strange to me. I didn't have sex until I got married. My DD is raised similarly to how I was. The only difference is I am very open about all of this, and my parents were not. I don't expect my DD to wait until marriage but I also don't expect her to have sex in HS.

[Anonymous]

A child psychologist i know says tell your kids your values and how to think about these kinds of decisions in 5th grade. They’re old enough for complicated topics but young enough to internalize your values without rebelling. If you wait until they’re teens they’re listening to peers not to you. Tell your tweens how you hope they go about deciding when the time is right for them.