S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy.

I'm repulsed by my abusive husband.

He has bankrupt us, making it really difficult to move out. He's also a high earning narcissist, so he uses every paycheck to golf, try to get into the pants of compliant cocktail waitresses, and drag out the divorce process.

So I cheat because I deserve to be loved. It's self care for me.

I wouldn't touch my STBX's diseased d!ck if it were the last one on earth.

You think the cheating men you are sleeping with are clean? They are sleeping around. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly what’s the big deal if he cheats? Your marriage sucks otherwise DH wouldn't be having an affair. He’s obviously bored with you and you’re delusional if you think he’s happy.

If my marriage sucked so much, why were having sex multiple times a week at DH’s behest (and my enthusiastic agreement)? If our marriage sucked so much, why did DH beg me to stay in the relationship when I revealed that I knew he was cheating? If our marriage sucked, why did DH participate in marital counseling and tell me all kinds of things (lies) to get me to stay in the marriage and continue to have sex with him?

If he did it for the kids, why did he not take any custody of the kids after I kicked him out (after finding more evidence of lying and cheating)? If it was for the kids, why has he never in 2 decades of divorce, bought a house with an extra bedroom for them or provided beds for them to sleep in. (Two decades of being relegated to a blow up mattress or sofa bed takes its toll on the child/parent relationship, especially when its abundantly clear that he has money for this.).

Also, he was cheating by year 1.5 of the relationship (by his own admission), so it’s not like he had a lot invested in terms of time and money, unless you consider the fact that I was poised to finish graduate school (which I paid for myself in cash from savings earned prior to marriage) and had a job offer at a high salary upon graduation.

TBH, he was abusive and manipulative, but outwardly everyone thought he was a good guy - even his affair partners who were happy to live their own life of self-delusional in parallel with his life of self-delusion. Self-delusions as you, PP, appear to be willing to similarly embrace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly what’s the big deal if he cheats? Your marriage sucks otherwise DH wouldn't be having an affair. He’s obviously bored with you and you’re delusional if you think he’s happy.

If my marriage sucked so much, why were having sex multiple times a week at DH’s behest (and my enthusiastic agreement)? If our marriage sucked so much, why did DH beg me to stay in the relationship when I revealed that I knew he was cheating? If our marriage sucked, why did DH participate in marital counseling and tell me all kinds of things (lies) to get me to stay in the marriage and continue to have sex with him?

If he did it for the kids, why did he not take any custody of the kids after I kicked him out (after finding more evidence of lying and cheating)? If it was for the kids, why has he never in 2 decades of divorce, bought a house with an extra bedroom for them or provided beds for them to sleep in. (Two decades of being relegated to a blow up mattress or sofa bed takes its toll on the child/parent relationship, especially when its abundantly clear that he has money for this.).

Also, he was cheating by year 1.5 of the relationship (by his own admission), so it’s not like he had a lot invested in terms of time and money, unless you consider the fact that I was poised to finish graduate school (which I paid for myself in cash from savings earned prior to marriage) and had a job offer at a high salary upon graduation.

TBH, he was abusive and manipulative, but outwardly everyone thought he was a good guy - even his affair partners who were happy to live their own life of self-delusional in parallel with his life of self-delusion. Self-delusions as you, PP, appear to be willing to similarly embrace.

It sounds like your DH was likely cheating before you were even married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

NP. You may de facto lose your kids anyhow, if they find out. Kids (whose lives get completely upended) usually take a hard line on cheating parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex enjoyed th cheating game. The sneaking made it better.

Yes, I know someone like this. Looking back, this person always had an unhealthy tendency toward risk-seeking behavior and conflicts , even as a young kid. Not going to diagnose them here Bc I am not a professional but if they grew up in today’s world they probably would have been diagnosed w something early on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not having an affair, but could easily justify one. My husband chooses to drink instead of sleep with me. I have been very vocal about him stopping but he will not. Not only is he low drive, but he drinks until his penis doesn’t work.

I wouldn’t feel that guilty if I slept with someone else. He has had years to sleep with me and make things right and he has chosen not to do so.

Yep! Same here.

I met a much younger guy recently....nothing too bad has happened...yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not having an affair, but could easily justify one. My husband chooses to drink instead of sleep with me. I have been very vocal about him stopping but he will not. Not only is he low drive, but he drinks until his penis doesn’t work.

I wouldn’t feel that guilty if I slept with someone else. He has had years to sleep with me and make things right and he has chosen not to do so.

Yep! Same here.

I met a much younger guy recently....nothing too bad has happened...yet.

How much younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never cheated on my spouse, but now that I’m divorced I have a totally different perspective on it. I have been sleeping with a married man. He’s miserable in his marriage, where I used to be. I get where he’s at. Trapped in his self inflicted prison until his kids get older. If his marriage was awesome, he would be looking for love and sex elsewhere.

NP. I have also never cheated on my spouse - I am poly, and my mono spouse is accepting of that. Has your married man considered being honest with his? No judgment from me either way - I'm simply curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never cheated on my spouse, but now that I’m divorced I have a totally different perspective on it. I have been sleeping with a married man. He’s miserable in his marriage, where I used to be. I get where he’s at. Trapped in his self inflicted prison until his kids get older. If his marriage was awesome, he would be looking for love and sex elsewhere.

NP. I have also never cheated on my spouse - I am poly, and my mono spouse is accepting of that. Has your married man considered being honest with his? No judgment from me either way - I'm simply curious.

I’m not a betting man, but 100% the married guy is not so miserable. All the cake eaters sell that line.

[Anonymous]

Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

I never understood this thinking. Boning someone to get courage. I think leaving without resorting to doing ill like the other person allows you to keep your dignity and moral compass intact. I’d feel slimy cheating no matter what my situation were. I’m not sinking to their level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

I never understood this thinking. Boning someone to get courage. I think leaving without resorting to doing ill like the other person allows you to keep your dignity and moral compass intact. I’d feel slimy cheating no matter what my situation were. I’m not sinking to their level.

I agree, especially if your actions are going to harm another woman/family. I don’t want to that to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

I never understood this thinking. Boning someone to get courage. I think leaving without resorting to doing ill like the other person allows you to keep your dignity and moral compass intact. I’d feel slimy cheating no matter what my situation were. I’m not sinking to their level.

I agree, especially if your actions are going to harm another woman/family. I don’t want to that to anyone.

Pp here. My AP was a very close friend and separated from his wife at the time (and soon after divorced); we are still platonic friends, each happily married to people who know about this blip in our shared history.

Not asking you to understand it, but perhaps be grateful you’ve never been in my position with such low self esteem from a relationship with a longterm partner who turned out to be a truly rotten bastard. The bump in self esteem (really: it was so low that it took realizing I actually was still a worthy and attractive woman) had me renting an apartment and walking out the door within a week. I defied the prick and felt stronger than I had in years. Yay for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy.

I'm repulsed by my abusive husband.

He has bankrupt us, making it really difficult to move out. He's also a high earning narcissist, so he uses every paycheck to golf, try to get into the pants of compliant cocktail waitresses, and drag out the divorce process.

So I cheat because I deserve to be loved. It's self care for me.

I wouldn't touch my STBX's diseased d!ck if it were the last one on earth.

If you're trying to divorce him, he's aware of this, you're no longer sleeping with him, and he's sleeping with other people, it's really not an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

I never understood this thinking. Boning someone to get courage. I think leaving without resorting to doing ill like the other person allows you to keep your dignity and moral compass intact. I’d feel slimy cheating no matter what my situation were. I’m not sinking to their level.

I agree, especially if your actions are going to harm another woman/family. I don’t want to that to anyone.

+1

Taking confidence and courage by ruining another woman/family isn’t confidence and courage. It’s rotten, and starting a new life by doing that is selfish and awful.