Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think most people in their 20s and 30s go through a sort of reckoning where they take an honest look at their parents’ parenting from a distance and come to terms with their parents’ strengths and weaknesses and how it affected their upbringing. I think most adults go through an angry stage where they process how their parents’ faults have harmed them. And I think as people continue to age, especially as they reach late 30s/40s they come to understand their parents aren't perfect and did their best.

Parents’ imperfections run the gamut though and some parents do terrible harm to their kids regardless of intention or best efforts. People can still recognize that their parents tried their best but could still choose to distance themselves from said parents if their behavior was abusive. But I think the majority of adult children eventually accept their parents faults and eventually move past them — letters like this can be the beginning of that acceptance. [/quote]

Excellent post. I did not have a great childhood. My mom had undiagnosed mental illness and was verbally abusive/emotionally neglectful. Today I have a very healthy, positive relationship with her. I've been in therapy and I worked through the crap from my childhood. Humans are complicated. She did the best she could and also, she caused a lot of emotional damage. Both can be true. I've forgiven her for things in the past without ever addressing it with her.

I remember a therapy appointment after I'd seen a documentary about Pink. Cameras followed her on her tour and showed her balancing her tour and family. There was a part when her daughter told her she really wanted to go home and see her friends. Pink told her ok and she and her husband made arrangements for him and the daughter to go back home for a while. I thought it was a wonderful example of a healthy relationship...daughter could express herself, mom listened. My therapist smiled and said "it is wonderful, but also, her daughter could sit in a therapist's office one day and talk about how hard it was to be on the road with her mom and all the things she missed." Not to sound all Oprah, but it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Even under the best circumstances, parents do things that affect their kids. It's just part of parenting. As adults we have the responsibility of making the best with the hand we were dealt and letting go of things that hold us back or keep us from being the best version of ourselves. You can't just blame your parents forever.[/quote]

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