Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts
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Anonymous
| Boundaries are for you, not other people. I don’t want to do X. I need to leave because I’m uncomfortable with X. We can’t try to control others and call them setting boundaries. |
Anonymous
What your mom did by not responding is setting a boundary. What your husband did by trying to control your mom and you with texts is controlling and has nothing to do with trying to help either of you, just himself. |
Anonymous
| OP. I dated a guy with a family who was horrible to me. Would come down to visit and make rude comments about my religion and background. Told me once at their house that they wished he would get together with his old girlfriend. I ended up leaving him over his parents. This is regular involvement from parents and not even that over the top. My cousin lives in the same town as her in laws and they tell her what to do with her children all the time. Her parents have certain standards that they impose like being upset if you don’t write a thank you card or requiring certain vacations for the extended family. They get along with both parents because they appreciate them and see their help as beneficial and have great jobs and friends so that their parents aren’t their whole world anymore. Both of them are heavy and the entire family tells them to lose weight but have had to back off after making sure they knew. I’m sure there are a few things they have told their parents to back off on. But it isn’t a day to day problem of getting upset over interference. They just go with the flow on 99 percent of interactions and trust that these people are in their lives to love them and the kids. And my cousins husband could care less about dishes. He helps out but in no way owns the kitchen like that. |
Anonymous
| I meant to say your parents involvement is regular involvement compared to the abuse I was getting from my boyfriends parents. What you experience from your parents is not abuse. |
Anonymous
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OP, repeat after me. NO KIDS WITH THIS MAN. Please, get yourself help and support. Figure out what’s best for you. You don’t want to be stuck because you’re afraid to leave your kids alone with him.
NO KIDS. |
Anonymous
OP you have plenty of red flags and need to end your marriage. Get out now. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is yet another person telling you to get out now.
This is how my abusive former BIL started with controlling my sister. He told her that her family of origin was the problem, that we were influential in their marriage so that she would isolate herself from us. He then escalated first to emotional abuse and then physical abuse. Please, please listen to all of these posters. |
Anonymous
|
Op…..
Did you have a controlling and abusive dad? Or do you think it’s just your mom that was controlling? Does your mom suffer from anxiety? Do you have your own friends that you talk to and see, sometimes on your own? Do you completely defer to your husband on just your communication with your mom or in other areas of your life as well? |
Anonymous
| I also think it’s very weird for a guy to want so much control over a kitchen task. I appreciate his involvement but it’s still very weird. Most women have grown up with many people in the kitchen talking and sharing dish duty and other kitchen tasks at family gatherings. They’ve learned how to be polite and make room for others. Is this some task that he thinks he’s going above and beyond with but doesn’t really understand how it works? |
Anonymous
| The part that bothers me the most is him saying you are the enemy. I feel like that’s a slip of how he actually feels. His mask off. And also shows he has no filter. You don’t even have kids. How is this even remotely acceptable. He’s only responding to you and not dealing with some emergency and still says this? |
Anonymous
| What is his relationship with other people? Not his family necessarily who he might feel overly comfortable with but other people. Coworkers and friends and friends of yours. Does he complain about them too? It sounds like you, your dh, and your mom have anxiety and it plays out often. I’m not sure he has the flexibility and respect for other people for a marriage. Maybe therapy for everyone’s anxiety would help. |
Anonymous
+10000000000 I don’t like encouraging divorce but this is really scary. His blaming you for causing problems that are just part of life/interacting with other people is so sad. Don’t lock yourself in with kids until you have really really figured this out for yourself. You need an individual therapist to help you understand how regain control of your life and set your own boundaries from both husband and parents and not let your husband rule your life like this. If OP’s husband is reading, please look into individual therapy to try to understand why you are turning regular parts of life into battles. You can be a good husband so your wife chooses yo stay and you don’t need to constantly make her prove her loyalty with this insanity |
Anonymous
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OP:
The issue is that your DH is still extremely upset (barely below the surface white hot rage level anger) over how your parents treated him by talking sh*t about him and his family. That was a line in the sand for him that he has not moved on from, and is relying on you to prove to him that will never, ever be crossed again. This is also why your parents aren't actually welcome in your home. Some people do not care what other people think or say about them, but some people never move on from it. DH is still defending himself from the indignation and anger that's he's processing. His angry text to your Mom is his way of trying to respond to her (both of your parents?) original attitude and hostile words toward him and his family. Your DH wrote in his original post: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1043271.page 1. Saying unbelievably rude or judgmental things about me, my parents, my brothers to my face or behind our back ! Again, your DH has now responded in kind to you Mom. BUT that does not mean that he was ok, or that it was justified for him to talk to her that way ! Two wrongs do not make the situation right. Both your parents and your DH lack respect for you. If either respected you, either would have been the 'bigger' person and not lashed out viciously at someone important to you. Maybe family therapy could help for him to have a forum to get this pain out to your parents and for them to get their pain out to him, and for all of you to move forward on my sympathetic emotional ground BUT NEITHER set of the 'adults' in your life respect you as an adult who is capable and deserving of decency. Your parents do not see you as an adult who married some guy they don't like but should be nice to nonetheless. Your DH does not see your parents as people that he does not like but should be nice to nonetheless. They are feel justified to be horrifically rude and dismissive to each other, and, by direct involvement, you. OP, what can your identify about your relationship with your parents that reflects to you that they respect you as an individual separate from their goals and desires for you? Ditto, your husband: what can you identify about how your DH treats and relates to you that confirms that he respects you as an individual with inherent worth equal to him? And, include yourself: how do you know that you have value regardless of who you are defending or taking care of emotionally (or physically). Any children you bring into the marriage are at risk for severe emotional abuse. Do you have siblings? Did any of your siblings rebel or leave the family, or are any of your siblings looked down upon as 'less than' for the choices they made? That's a good starting point for you to contemplate how you've been groomed to be the 'good daughter'. Additionally, your DH does not mention any sisters, he only mentions brothers. Definitely he has no idea how to relate to you as an equal person. Boys were everything in his family. Girls are for what purpose in his family? Babies? What else are girls for, in the minds of his family? He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough. HE HAS MAJOR-MAJOR MISOGYNY ISSUES. How do he and his brothers talk to their mother? How does his father treat his mother? How many kids are in his family? Was his Mom allowed to have a life outside of her duty to bear children? Whether he understands it or not, he has been damaged by the power imbalance in his parents' marriage. One of his parents was over-dominant and destructive to the other parent. If he can identify which one that would help him to start identifying his deepest fear about being an adult man (he either had no voice in his own life, and/or too much responsibility as well). Highly likely that once your DH reads the posts in this thread he will be really sweet with you, and say that he wants to have a baby with you and the two you (now against the whole world !) will get started on the new phase of intense bonding, get pregnant, etc and you both will think your problems are solved because of your new understanding of each other. BUT the problem is that your DH will feel out of control by reading all these comments about him, he will not feel that he needs to change and be a more decent person to you and with you. He is competing against your parents for you physically and emotionally. Everyone who has encouraged you to leave him has also encouraged him to 'work harder' to keep you. No one who has encouraged you to leave him is wrong to do so. You are at serious risk. He is at serious risk as well. But you are not going to hurt him (emotionally or physically) in the way that he's actively hurting you. |
Anonymous
| Typical DCUM posts about how you should get divorced. Like really , you’re going to get divorced over some text messages? Sure, there seem to be some issues and perhaps counseling is a good idea. But to actually divorce and for OP to possibly never have kids, seems extreme. Most people have issues and the next marriage (if there is one) would likely result in suggestions to divorce. |
Anonymous
| I have a hunch that in those prior threads you linked, it was you writing as your DH. Regardless, his behavior is very troubling and the scary part is that’s he’s oblivious and sees himself as the victim. This would be very hard to remedy; it’s not likely he will be able to understand or appreciate your perspective. And he’s the prospect holding kids over you like that? Very toxic, but a blessing in disguise because you shouldn’t have kids with this man. |