Reply to Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

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[quote=Anonymous]OP:

The issue is that your DH is still extremely upset (barely below the surface white hot rage level anger) over how your parents treated him by talking sh*t about him and his family.  That was a line in the sand for him that he has not moved on from, and is relying on you to prove to him that will never, ever be crossed again.  This is also why your parents aren't actually welcome in your home.

Some people do not care what other people think or say about them, but some people never move on from it.  DH is still defending himself from the indignation and anger that's he's processing.

His angry text to your Mom is his way of trying to respond to her (both of your parents?) original attitude and hostile words toward him and his family.  Your DH wrote in his original post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1043271.page

1. Saying unbelievably rude or judgmental things about me, my parents, my brothers to my face or behind our back

Again, your DH has now responded in kind to you Mom.  BUT that does not mean that he was ok, or that it was justified for him to talk to her that way !  Two wrongs do not make the situation right.  Both your parents and your DH lack respect for you.  If either respected you, either would have been the 'bigger' person and not lashed out viciously at someone important to you.

Maybe family therapy could help for him to have a forum to get this pain out to your parents and for them to get their pain out to him, and for all of you to move forward on my sympathetic emotional ground BUT NEITHER set of the 'adults' in your life respect you as an adult who is capable and deserving of decency.  Your parents do not see you as an adult who married some guy they don't like but should be nice to nonetheless.  Your DH does not see your parents as people that he does not like but should be nice to nonetheless.  They are feel justified to be horrifically rude and dismissive to each other, and, by direct involvement, you.

OP, what can your identify about your relationship with your parents that reflects to you that they respect you as an individual separate from their goals and desires for you?

Ditto, your husband: what can you identify about how your DH treats and relates to you that confirms that he respects you as an individual with inherent worth equal to him?

And, include yourself: how do you know that you have value regardless of who you are defending or taking care of emotionally (or physically).

Any children you bring into the marriage are at risk for severe emotional abuse.  Do you have siblings?  Did any of your siblings rebel or leave the family, or are any of your siblings looked down upon as 'less than' for the choices they made?  That's a good starting point for you to contemplate how you've been groomed to be the 'good daughter'.

Additionally, your DH does not mention any sisters, he only mentions brothers.  Definitely he has no idea how to relate to you as an equal person.  Boys were everything in his family.  Girls are for what purpose in his family?  Babies?  What else are girls for, in the minds of his family?  He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough.  HE HAS MAJOR-MAJOR MISOGYNY ISSUES.  How do he and his brothers talk to their mother?  How does his father treat his mother?  How many kids are in his family?  Was his Mom allowed to have a life outside of her duty to bear children?  Whether he understands it or not, he has been damaged by the power imbalance in his parents' marriage.  One of his parents was over-dominant and destructive to the other parent.  If he can identify which one that would help him to start identifying his deepest fear about being an adult man (he either had no voice in his own life, and/or too much responsibility as well).

Highly likely that once your DH reads the posts in this thread he will be really sweet with you, and say that he wants to have a baby with you and the two you (now against the whole world !) will get started on the new phase of intense bonding, get pregnant, etc and you both will think your problems are solved because of your new understanding of each other.  BUT the problem is that your DH will feel out of control by reading all these comments about him, he will not feel that he needs to change and be a more decent person to you and with you.  He is competing against your parents for you physically and emotionally.  Everyone who has encouraged you to leave him has also encouraged him to 'work harder' to keep you.

No one who has encouraged you to leave him is wrong to do so.  You are at serious risk.  He is at serious risk as well.  But you are not going to hurt him (emotionally or physically) in the way that he's actively hurting you.[/quote]

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