Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

I think most of the people posting here are ignoring the fact this is a SECOND wedding. It’s trashy to throw a big party for a second wedding, and even trashier for it to include anyone but close friends and family—which would include the niece. It’s very rude to throw a party celebrating the creation of a new family and then not include members of the family (niece and by extension op’s husband.) Sister is 100% wrong.

[Anonymous]

Sister sounds like an ass. I have five siblings and we would never do this with one of the kids; saying invited to one function and not the other. This isn't some friend or distant relatives kid but an actual niece. I just find family dynamics like this for major events so odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you had just told your sister you and your family couldn’t come because your DDs cognitive issues make it difficult to find a babysitter, you probably would have been fine. But by traveling to attend the ceremony, it makes you look extremely petty for not just attending the reception solo and letting your DH chill with DD at the hotel. Lying to your DD about the reception is also not going to fly because the reception will certainly come up at the ceremony or at some other point that weekend.

OP here. I would think that if I declined to go to everything, it would create more drama. I thought by accepting all invitations that include my teen, I'm being supportive and supporting my sister.

I posted earlier about not inviting a teen could be a venue capacity issue. Then I read a later post where your sister verbally invited your daughter then later disinvited her. Only acceptable if they went from a larger to smaller venue which has happened in covid era. It's extremely weird for any wedding to have more people invited to the ceremony than the reception. Maybe other guests are in this strange situation.

Then you wrote that the young GC of the groom are not invited. I can see no children but not no children for your own children or grandchildren. Bridezilla is a step granny to be not the blushing 28-32 ish bride.

Not surprised your parents are put off by all these examples of weirdness. It's not just your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people posting here are ignoring the fact this is a SECOND wedding. It’s trashy to throw a big party for a second wedding, and even trashier for it to include anyone but close friends and family—which would include the niece. It’s very rude to throw a party celebrating the creation of a new family and then not include members of the family (niece and by extension op’s husband.) Sister is 100% wrong.

Nobody’s ignoring that. What you and the previous poster are missing is that those are not valid reasons to skip a wedding.

[Anonymous]

It sucks that your teen isn't invited but you could go while your husband stays with the teen. You just don't WANT to. That's your choice, but own that you made that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

OP here. Thank you for saying this.

But this is not fair; your daughter doesn’t need both parents. I’m SURE your husband has been with her on his own for a couple of hours. I think you need to take ownership of your decision- if you aren’t willing to go to your own sister’s reception it’s NOT because your daughter needs you. It’s because you aren’t willing to be a little uncomfortable going with out your husband, either because you are very anxious or your mad at your sister for how this was handled. I’m a PP who also has a child with some special needs and I very very rarely leave my child with a babysitter so I totally understand that part of the decision making. But you can still go, and pretending you can’t isn’t helpful. I think that’s what most of us are reacting very strongly to.

Very well put!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am with you.
Inviting/disinviting your daughter was a shitty move.

This is a point that has been overlooked in all the pages of responses.

Call the country club yourself. See if it's "them" who cannot accommodate your daughter. I feel like your sister is not being honest.

The invite/un-invite would really hurt my feelings, for my kid (I have an SN family member), and I am not sure that I could go and enjoy myself (and yes, I've attended plenty of events without DH, who had a conflict or stayed home with DS).

To add, my sister would never have done this to us.

This has nothing to do with OP's child having special needs, except that it means that the kid can't stay alone.

You can't have a wedding, exclude one member's grandchildren, and invite other kids. You just can't do that. You can have an entirely childfree wedding, or invite the children of close family, or invite all the kids, those are really the only three choices.

[Anonymous]

So it takes both you and your husband to supervise your teen? Wow. Interesting.

At the very least, you should go to the reception while DH stays with your apparently hapless and wholly untrustworthy teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a special educator and a special needs parent I am just going I add that parents that tiptoe around their special needs children’s emotions and deny them experiences like learning how the world works (you are seriously going to keep the existence of wedding receptions a secret) and the opportunity to experience disappointment are harming their children. I see it often and every family I know who would make this choice has a child whose transition to adulthood goes badly.

If you can’t go for the sake of your sister, then go for the sake of your child.

How is this tiptoeing, though? OP let her daughter know she's not not invited to the reception (sidenote: since when does an open bar mean kids can't come? the bartender wouldn't serve them, so what difference would it make?). Experience of disappointment achieved! If OP were insisting that her sister HAS to invite her daughter because the most important thing is her daughter's feelings, that would be inappropriate. .

I don't see why OP is so wrong for not wanted to attend without her husband. If she wanted to go without him because she thought it would still be fun, I'd get that. If she thinks the standard reception activities won't be fun without him, why should she go? It's not prime hangout time with her sister, who'll be otherwise occupied. She's not responsible for her parents' decisions.

They are planning on withholding knowledge of the existence of wedding receptions from this child. I see kids like this whose parents "protect" them from every little disappointment, to the point that they don't know how the world works and suffer immensely as adults.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP, I would not be going to the wedding. Not including a sn niece after talking to her about the wedding ( reception) is just a crappy person. And for everyone saying the teen has to live with disappointment, I am sure she has experienced more than her average share of disappointment in her life.
I also 100% agree with your parents. Your sister sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she should have invited your teen (I understand not wanting a bunch of preschoolers running around, but a teen?), but she didn't, and I think you should be the bigger person and go with or without your DH. I also don't understand why the teen can't stay behind at the hotel.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister didn’t want you there like you wrote, OP, then she wouldn’t be upset that you aren’t going.

OP here. My mom told me that my sister was upset. She said that they told my sister how upset they were that my daughter wasn't invited and how they weren't going and how my sister is upset about everyone not going.

Another pp pointed out that unless I hear it directly from my sister I shouldn't assume she's mad about me and in thinking about it, I believe now that my sister is mad about my parents not attending and not about me.

You are quite a piece of work, OP! You didn't need to go crying to mommy and daddy about your daughter not being invited, yet you did, and now your sister won't have her own parents at her wedding. I would be so pissed at you, too. And here you are playing victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP, I would not be going to the wedding. Not including a sn niece after talking to her about the wedding ( reception) is just a crappy person. And for everyone saying the teen has to live with disappointment, I am sure she has experienced more than her average share of disappointment in her life.
I also 100% agree with your parents. Your sister sucks.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister didn’t want you there like you wrote, OP, then she wouldn’t be upset that you aren’t going.

OP here. My mom told me that my sister was upset. She said that they told my sister how upset they were that my daughter wasn't invited and how they weren't going and how my sister is upset about everyone not going.

Another pp pointed out that unless I hear it directly from my sister I shouldn't assume she's mad about me and in thinking about it, I believe now that my sister is mad about my parents not attending and not about me.

You are quite a piece of work, OP! You didn't need to go crying to mommy and daddy about your daughter not being invited, yet you did, and now your sister won't have her own parents at her wedding. I would be so pissed at you, too. And here you are playing victim.

Do you really think OP’s parents would not have found out the reason OP, her husband and their granddaughter would not be attending regardless of who told them? The real piece of work here is the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

OP here. Thank you for saying this.

But this is not fair; your daughter doesn’t need both parents. I’m SURE your husband has been with her on his own for a couple of hours. I think you need to take ownership of your decision- if you aren’t willing to go to your own sister’s reception it’s NOT because your daughter needs you. It’s because you aren’t willing to be a little uncomfortable going with out your husband, either because you are very anxious or your mad at your sister for how this was handled. I’m a PP who also has a child with some special needs and I very very rarely leave my child with a babysitter so I totally understand that part of the decision making. But you can still go, and pretending you can’t isn’t helpful. I think that’s what most of us are reacting very strongly to.

Very well put!

NP and I do have to agree. OP states she isn’t mad but acknowledges that she doesn’t believe her sister wanted her there and has a history of prioritizing friends, etc. And not inviting the niece fits this prior pattern, TBH. Perhaps if this were not the case then OP would be more willing to go without her DH.
But acting like “I’m not mad at al! I had no issue with it!” is why people are reacting to, because it’s disingenuous.