I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

i think the issue is you don't think of your ILs as a a part of your family/or extension of your family. they are your children's grandparents, so they are family. and the driving in the dark part is pretty legit. you just don't like them, that's why you feel intruded.

you will get it when you are the MIL being pushed by your DIL to do something you don't feel safe doing, but not anytime soon, i guess.
and fyi, i am the DIL and totally get the part that you need to unwind after work and need some time to get ready. but safety of older ILs (i think) beats that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....)

Where was the husband during this conversation??

Right? What does he want? He probably told his parents to come by anytime, they would be home all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

You're fine, don't worry. It isn't dark at 4pm lol (or even 5), most of these responses are just people doing the usual thing where they are desperate to argue with / blame the OP. I guess it's fun, I don't know.

Sunset is 4:50 in the DC area today. OP’s concern was legit.

That doesn’t mean it’s dark at 4:50. But even so, OP already told her MIL they could arrive at 4pm so you are arguing an issue that does not exist.

I am arguing against “it isn’t dark at 5 pm” which is what previous poster wrote and objectively is untrue.

DP. Except you’re wrong, because it doesn’t suddenly turn dark at sunset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....)

Where was the husband during this conversation??

Right? What does he want? He probably told his parents to come by anytime, they would be home all day.

OP said in the first post that he chickens out on setting any boundaries with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

Why would DH be sitting on his duff watching TV while Little Wifey prepares to host? What planet do you live on, and what century do you live in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

i think the issue is you don't think of your ILs as a a part of your family/or extension of your family. they are your children's grandparents, so they are family. and the driving in the dark part is pretty legit. you just don't like them, that's why you feel intruded.

you will get it when you are the MIL being pushed by your DIL to do something you don't feel safe doing, but not anytime soon, i guess.
and fyi, i am the DIL and totally get the part that you need to unwind after work and need some time to get ready. but safety of older ILs (i think) beats that.

This is ridiculously over the top. First, you can fully view someone as family and still want/need time for yourself to get ready before they visit. OP is taking care of herself so she isn’t so worn out and frazzled when they arrive. Second, if the concern is driving after dark, there is no reason for them to feel unsafe driving arriving at 4 pm before it gets dark. If there is a different safety concern, they need to articulate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

Why would DH be sitting on his duff watching TV while Little Wifey prepares to host? What planet do you live on, and what century do you live in?

Well, OP never mentioned her husband helping her in the OP with anything, so I'm just going along with their division of labor in their household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....)

Where was the husband during this conversation??

Right? What does he want? He probably told his parents to come by anytime, they would be home all day.

OP said in the first post that he chickens out on setting any boundaries with his parents.

Because they are his parents and he probably doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

This would probably backfire spectacularly. MIL would probably love to help. It's like people here are upping the ante with who can give worse advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

This would probably backfire spectacularly. MIL would probably love to help. It's like people here are upping the ante with who can give worse advice.

I wouldn’t assume the MIL’s “help” would actually be helpful. I love my MIL, but when she is over and offers to “help” with laundry it is actually more work for me because she asks me questions at every single step about what to do. “I found this laundry detergent above the washing machine, is this what you like to use or is there something else?” “How much soap should I put in the machine?” “Can you come double check that I put in the right amount of soap?” “Can you check that I’ve sorted the laundry the right way?” “The washer finished, is it okay to move it to the dryer now?” “The dryer is done and everything feels dry but do you think it needs to be run some more?” And then after she sorts and folds, she insists on putting everything away even when I ask her not to, and ends up putting stuff into the wrong closets so I have to hunt for everything and move it to the right room. And we’re not talking reasonable mistakes between people who are close in size, she will put my clothes into the six-year-old’s closet.

It’s the same thing if she offers to wash dishes, a running stream of questions that mean I can’t go do something else, and then everything put in the wrong place if I don’t immediately take over drying and putting stuff away before she gets a chance. She means well, but her “help” does not make her visits less work for me.

[Anonymous]

Op - if they come over early I won’t say anything about it and will be perfectly polite
I just genuinely think it should be ok to ask anyone - family included - to come to your house at a certain time if you are entertaining - esp around the holidays. I didn’t say it to be mean - I genuinely thought they’d be fine with it
And for the last time no one was ever trying to make anyone drive in the dark who doesn’t want to drive in the dark. It gets dark at 5 so arriving at 4 is not driving in the dark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - if they come over early I won’t say anything about it and will be perfectly polite
I just genuinely think it should be ok to ask anyone - family included - to come to your house at a certain time if you are entertaining - esp around the holidays. I didn’t say it to be mean - I genuinely thought they’d be fine with it
And for the last time no one was ever trying to make anyone drive in the dark who doesn’t want to drive in the dark. It gets dark at 5 so arriving at 4 is not driving in the dark

Honestly asking: do you not work?

DH and I both work. We finally have a day off—today. (I got off a few hours early yesterday.) My parents arrive at around 4 p.m. to spend a few days with us. DH and I are finishing up last-minute preparations today, like making up the bed in the guest room, running laundry to get towels ready for them. I did a final grocery run at 8 a.m. After lunch, I’m going to make a crock pot dinner. DH is going to go out in the garage and finish wrapping Santa gifts out there while my kids watch a new movie. The point is, our day to finish preparing for our guests is…the day our guests arrive. If the doorbell rang hours early, I would be a little annoyed because we still have stuff to do. When my parents or ILs make plans with us, we all stick to the plan, because we respect each others’ time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - if they come over early I won’t say anything about it and will be perfectly polite
I just genuinely think it should be ok to ask anyone - family included - to come to your house at a certain time if you are entertaining - esp around the holidays. I didn’t say it to be mean - I genuinely thought they’d be fine with it
And for the last time no one was ever trying to make anyone drive in the dark who doesn’t want to drive in the dark. It gets dark at 5 so arriving at 4 is not driving in the dark

Honestly asking: do you not work?

DH and I both work. We finally have a day off—today. (I got off a few hours early yesterday.) My parents arrive at around 4 p.m. to spend a few days with us. DH and I are finishing up last-minute preparations today, like making up the bed in the guest room, running laundry to get towels ready for them. I did a final grocery run at 8 a.m. After lunch, I’m going to make a crock pot dinner. DH is going to go out in the garage and finish wrapping Santa gifts out there while my kids watch a new movie. The point is, our day to finish preparing for our guests is…the day our guests arrive. If the doorbell rang hours early, I would be a little annoyed because we still have stuff to do. When my parents or ILs make plans with us, we all stick to the plan, because we respect each others’ time.

Oh I’m so sorry! I misread. I thought you said “it should be OK that they arrive at any time.” I think I confused your post with someone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

This would probably backfire spectacularly. MIL would probably love to help. It's like people here are upping the ante with who can give worse advice.

I wouldn’t care at all. I’d tell DH I’m not doing anything until they leave. He can do all meals, all chores, etc. And whatever happens happens.