When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

I think you need to accept that there is no compromise that will please everyone. Your husband has a disability and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

It’s fair for you to say that your family is staying together for Christmas. Give the sibling the three options of your whole family going to a hotel so they can stay at the grandparents OR the current plan OR grandparents go to them.

The solutions where you leave your kids on Christmas and you and your husband go to a hotel are insulting and rude. No. That’s not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't know why everyone is giving you grief. I thought the first plan was great. The sibling that is pushing for everyone to be together in one big house now is the one trying to change it up but not accepting any plan but their own. You have shown a willingness to to adapt (going to a hotel). Is the sibling worried that this is the last Christmas with both parents? What did they say when you all got together to create the original plan?

When we put together the original plan, they seemed fine with it. They were as active as I was in planning it. I think they really were fine with it, and then went home and their kids were like "wait we want to be with the cousins".

I don't think they're worried this is the last Christmas with their parents, I think they may be worried that it's the last Christmas with DH, and of course I'm worried about that too. But that's a reason for him to get to spend it with his own children. The idea that my husband could spend his last Christmas at a hotel without his kids is kind of heartbreaking to me. I'm sort of amazed that DCUM thinks it's a reasonable solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't know why everyone is giving you grief. I thought the first plan was great. The sibling that is pushing for everyone to be together in one big house now is the one trying to change it up but not accepting any plan but their own. You have shown a willingness to to adapt (going to a hotel). Is the sibling worried that this is the last Christmas with both parents? What did they say when you all got together to create the original plan?

When we put together the original plan, they seemed fine with it. They were as active as I was in planning it. I think they really were fine with it, and then went home and their kids were like "wait we want to be with the cousins".

I don't think they're worried this is the last Christmas with their parents, I think they may be worried that it's the last Christmas with DH, and of course I'm worried about that too. But that's a reason for him to get to spend it with his own children. The idea that my husband could spend his last Christmas at a hotel without his kids is kind of heartbreaking to me. I'm sort of amazed that DCUM thinks it's a reasonable solution.

I didn’t realize it was such a dire situation. I don’t have any advice because I don’t think there’s a perfect situation. If this could be his last Christmas I don’t think spending it in a hotel is the right thing to do either.

[Anonymous]

If he is the cognitively impaired taking him to siblings house along with elderly/infirm ILs, for the afternoon is crazy just for a bigger yard (since Elderly ILs would be comfortable in their own home as would your DH). What are you doing OP? You are picking and choosing things to be outraged about. It does seem that you are fine with Covid risks and kids running around and taking DH and ILs out but putting your foot down on an overnight at the house where you are staying.

You aren't being consistent in your convenes which means it is hard for anyone to figure out an alternate plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.

Well that’s on them. You make your choices and they make theirs. There’s no perfect solution they will please everyone, it seems.

You have made it clear that your kids will not be sleeping in the same room as the cousins, and that sounds non-negotiable. Whatever choices your ILs make as a result will just have to be okay.

[Anonymous]

OP you can't just drop in there this may be his last Christmas pages and pages in. You said he has a flare and won't name the illness so how are we supposed to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is the cognitively impaired taking him to siblings house along with elderly/infirm ILs, for the afternoon is crazy just for a bigger yard (since Elderly ILs would be comfortable in their own home as would your DH). What are you doing OP? You are picking and choosing things to be outraged about. It does seem that you are fine with Covid risks and kids running around and taking DH and ILs out but putting your foot down on an overnight at the house where you are staying.

You aren't being consistent in your convenes which means it is hard for anyone to figure out an alternate plan.

I am fine with a two to three hour visit to someone else's house, and not a 24 hour visit at the house where I live. I don't see that as inconsistent. I actually think that my MIL will be more comfortable being hosted than feeling like she has to host, and DH and I will be more comfortable if we know can leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that there is no compromise that will please everyone. Your husband has a disability and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

It’s fair for you to say that your family is staying together for Christmas. Give the sibling the three options of your whole family going to a hotel so they can stay at the grandparents OR the current plan OR grandparents go to them.

The solutions where you leave your kids on Christmas and you and your husband go to a hotel are insulting and rude. No. That’s not an option.

+1 Their kids waking up with your kids simply isn’t enough option, no matter how much they want it to be. So just keep it off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can't just drop in there this may be his last Christmas pages and pages in. You said he has a flare and won't name the illness so how are we supposed to know?

I said he had a chronic illness, and that flares lead to multiple months in the hospital. Generally, they don't keep people who aren't seriously ill in the hospital for months. I don't want to name an illness, because I know DCUM well enough to know they'll have a million opinions on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

The grandparents were fine with the original plan. They are also fine with the plan of going to either this sibling's house, or to the other sibling's house and having this sibling come too. They didn't like my hotel plan very much. They are still holding out hope that there is a plan that will make everyone happy.

OP it seems pretty clear that the grandparents just want everyone to be happy and to spend time with all of the family and your moving in with them/setting these conditions is what is preventing them from being able to host as normal. You’ve been very clear about how you’re going to put your family’s needs first, but it’s not your house and you’re putting your in-laws in a very unfair position after they’ve been generous enough to open their home to you.

Well no. If we lived in our own place, we would spend the night there, so it wouldn't be any different from if we go to a hotel. If us going to a hotel leads to DH's sibling being upset, then I would assume us staying at our own place would too.

Do you really not get that saying fine we’ll pack up and move to a hotel if you insist on also coming to stay with the grandparents is on a completely different level than simply choosing to opt to stay at your own home for the holidays? The former comes across as passive aggressive and basically puts you in-laws in an unwinnable situation.

I have not read all the responses, but it seems like what you are saying is that despite any health issues that OP's DH or inlaws have, OP is obligated to do what DH's sibling wants for the holidays. Her DH, and she, have no choice in the matter.

Do you not see how absurd that is?

As for the sibling's assertion that she has as much right to her parents' house as OP's family - well, no. They live there, the sibling doesn't.

Finally, OP's parents apparently were fine with the initial plan until the sibling started pitching a fit. They're not being forced into anything, they are being emotionally blackmailed by the sibling.

[Anonymous]

If it’s his last Christmas I think it should be at his parents with his siblings present. When your Dh is too tired, can’t he go to his room to relax/ nap? Also it will give your kids one last normal Christmas with their cousins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s his last Christmas I think it should be at his parents with his siblings present. When your Dh is too tired, can’t he go to his room to relax/ nap? Also it will give your kids one last normal Christmas with their cousins

I don't know that it's his last Christmas. I said I know that worry is on people's minds. Odds are good that while the disability is permanent, and there will almost certainly be future relapses, he's got plenty of time. But there were some very scary moments during the last hospital stay that made it clear that there is also some danger.

A Christmas with your dad banished to his room isn't a "normal Christmas". Spending Christmas morning with your nuclear family and then seeing your aunts and uncles and cousins at lunch time is a pretty "normal Christmas". Lots of people celebrate that way.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is your DH’s illness? I’m a do it and having trouble thinking of a medical illness in which Christmas morning with family would cause a relapse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

+1 I think showing a bit of compassion and understanding toward others will make you seem less rigid, even if you don’t change your mind. My DH used to travel, and it was so much better when he’d say: “ugh, I hate it so much. I know you’re struggling with the kids, and I wish I didn’t have to go.” I was much more understanding than if he said “this is what’s happening, it’s my priority so get over yourself.” The circumstance was the same, but only one of those response would make me feel better, even though i was bummed.

I know you have been going through an unbearable amount lately, that has been scary, but it might help to try on a new perspective. Your kids may like tradition after a rough, scary year. You know your SIL may be scared too and just trying to have things “back to normal” when her brother wasn’t sick, when we weren’t worrying about Covid - for nearly 2 years. Christmas gives people hope. At the very least, can you focus on the love your SIL has for your children and she wants to keep the bond strong, instead of blaming her for messing up your plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is the cognitively impaired taking him to siblings house along with elderly/infirm ILs, for the afternoon is crazy just for a bigger yard (since Elderly ILs would be comfortable in their own home as would your DH). What are you doing OP? You are picking and choosing things to be outraged about. It does seem that you are fine with Covid risks and kids running around and taking DH and ILs out but putting your foot down on an overnight at the house where you are staying.

You aren't being consistent in your convenes which means it is hard for anyone to figure out an alternate plan.

In what way is she being inconsistent? The first plan was the best plan! OMG We can all see that that was a great plan. It is the sibling that is now trying to change up it and not accepting any compromise. The OP is being more than accommodating IMO. She is taking care of her old in-laws AND her dying husband AND her children. Don't you think she has enough on her plate? The sibling should be counting their blessings.

I think the sibling should be in the long game instead of changing this AFTER she agreed with them. She has a SIL willing to do the dirty work of caring for her elderly parents. That is HUGE.