When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.

Leave your kids with them and have a night with your husband.

On Christmas Eve? Not only no, but HELL NO.

OP here, while I might have thought the above, I want to clear that wasn't me.

But no, I'm not going to give up spending Christmas with my own children, so that their cousins can.

You have every single night with your kids. You need to find a compromise and remember this is where you are living but it is not your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

Remember, we are only hearing op’s side of the story. Perhaps the grandparents don’t agree with op’s assessment of what her husband can handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

And ‘what happens, happens’ means a significant family riff that is your making - while you live in your in-laws home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

OP here,

I have answered multiple times that the grandparents were happy with the original plan, but are sad that their child is upset and have asked us to problem solve, saying they would love to find a solution that makes everyone happy. When I made suggestions (e.g. we leave so sibling can visit overnight here, or they visit overnight there) they said they’d be fine with those but sibling has said those solutions aren’t better. My FIL is worried about MIL (high risk) and covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.

Leave your kids with them and have a night with your husband.

On Christmas Eve? Not only no, but HELL NO.

OP here, while I might have thought the above, I want to clear that wasn't me.

But no, I'm not going to give up spending Christmas with my own children, so that their cousins can.

You have every single night with your kids. You need to find a compromise and remember this is where you are living but it is not your house.

DH has missed 65 days/nights with his kids in the past 3 months, so it’s hard to argue that he gets “every night”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

OP here,

I have answered multiple times that the grandparents were happy with the original plan, but are sad that their child is upset and have asked us to problem solve, saying they would love to find a solution that makes everyone happy. When I made suggestions (e.g. we leave so sibling can visit overnight here, or they visit overnight there) they said they’d be fine with those but sibling has said those solutions aren’t better. My FIL is worried about MIL (high risk) and covid.

Your OP stated the grandparents were hoping for a compromise and whilst you say they said they are happy with this plan, they have told you they don't like seeing their child upset and they are hoping for a compromise to make everyone happy. What they are hoping for is for you to chill out and change your mind, but you can't see it.

You say your husband gets so fatigued but somehow he will be better going to a siblings house and being stuck there for a feast rather than in his own home where he can retreat and lie down. Why will it be better for your husband to move to another house and do gifts and a feast but this can't be done in your inlaws house. So what if the kids stay over, the covid risk will be the same whether you go to the siblings house or stay at the grandparents house.

It appears you are hell bent on not letting the sibling stay. Your inlaws sound like they are being polite by telling you they think its a good plan. If they were really happy they would tell the sibling that's what they want to do but they haven't. Somewhere deep inside they want the tradition to stay. So perhaps you and your husband go to a hotel and leave the kids in your bedroom to sleep whilst the cousins sleep in your kids bedrooms. They can do their traditions and you can meet up later for a feast at the inlaws.

But let me guess, you don't want to be put out, someone else has to be put out. Your inlaws said they were happy for you to go to a hotel and the sibling just wants the cousins to be together. At a hotel your husband can sleep in the next morning late and not be disturbed by the noise. I would say you go to a hotel with your husband and leave the kids to play with the cousins and do the tradition of the cousins sleeping at the inlaws. Then you can do the feast much like what you would have done at the siblings house but do it at the grandparents house. Everyone is apparently vaccinated and everyone can do a rapid test before going.

[Anonymous]

I think that when my inlaws said they wanted everyone to be happy, they included my kids in “everybody”. My kids have been perfectly clear that they don’t want to be separated from their dad for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

So perfectly okay that they moved far away for awhile, but not okay if you spend one night in a hotel room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So perfectly okay that they moved far away for awhile, but not okay if you spend one night in a hotel room?

I am not sure I understand what you are saying.

Their moving away was their choice. Their moving back was their choice too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So perfectly okay that they moved far away for awhile, but not okay if you spend one night in a hotel room?

I am not sure I understand what you are saying.

Their moving away was their choice. Their moving back was their choice too.

OK, that was confusing because I meant two different things by "they". Sibling chose to go to the West Coast for college, and then stayed, got married, had kids. Sibling and spouse made a joint decision to come back to this area.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know why everyone is giving you grief. I thought the first plan was great. The sibling that is pushing for everyone to be together in one big house now is the one trying to change it up but not accepting any plan but their own. You have shown a willingness to to adapt (going to a hotel). Is the sibling worried that this is the last Christmas with both parents? What did they say when you all got together to create the original plan?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read most of the responses. I'm sorry that your husband is sick and the future is so uncertain. My first reaction is that your husband's sibling probably doesn't realize the extent of the illness. Maybe the sibling doesn't understand why you are all living with grandparents at all. Has sibling visited your husband? They may not really understand how fragile the health situation is.

I think you need to extricate yourself from the planning. This is for your husband, his parents, and his sibling to figure out. Not for you to figure out. If husband can not be involved in decisionmaking, then his parents need to tell sibling that, and they need to work out a plan for their two families (without you). Based on what they decide, you can determine what your own family's course of action should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

OP here,

I have answered multiple times that the grandparents were happy with the original plan, but are sad that their child is upset and have asked us to problem solve, saying they would love to find a solution that makes everyone happy. When I made suggestions (e.g. we leave so sibling can visit overnight here, or they visit overnight there) they said they’d be fine with those but sibling has said those solutions aren’t better. My FIL is worried about MIL (high risk) and covid.

Your OP stated the grandparents were hoping for a compromise and whilst you say they said they are happy with this plan, they have told you they don't like seeing their child upset and they are hoping for a compromise to make everyone happy. What they are hoping for is for you to chill out and change your mind, but you can't see it.

You say your husband gets so fatigued but somehow he will be better going to a siblings house and being stuck there for a feast rather than in his own home where he can retreat and lie down. Why will it be better for your husband to move to another house and do gifts and a feast but this can't be done in your inlaws house. So what if the kids stay over, the covid risk will be the same whether you go to the siblings house or stay at the grandparents house.

It appears you are hell bent on not letting the sibling stay. Your inlaws sound like they are being polite by telling you they think its a good plan. If they were really happy they would tell the sibling that's what they want to do but they haven't. Somewhere deep inside they want the tradition to stay. So perhaps you and your husband go to a hotel and leave the kids in your bedroom to sleep whilst the cousins sleep in your kids bedrooms. They can do their traditions and you can meet up later for a feast at the inlaws.

But let me guess, you don't want to be put out, someone else has to be put out. Your inlaws said they were happy for you to go to a hotel and the sibling just wants the cousins to be together. At a hotel your husband can sleep in the next morning late and not be disturbed by the noise. I would say you go to a hotel with your husband and leave the kids to play with the cousins and do the tradition of the cousins sleeping at the inlaws. Then you can do the feast much like what you would have done at the siblings house but do it at the grandparents house. Everyone is apparently vaccinated and everyone can do a rapid test before going.

I think that being at the other sibling's for Christmas dinner will be a little easier because we can leave, and because if I'm not hosting I can concentrate on DH. There's a guest room we could use if DH gets overwhelmed. But there is still consensus about going there for the meal. The sibling who wants to sleep at the house agrees that that house is better for the afternoon gathering. It's got a much bigger yard. It's got first floor bathrooms for the elderly. If moving the meal here was a workable compromise, I'd be open to that, but it isn't the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read most of the responses. I'm sorry that your husband is sick and the future is so uncertain. My first reaction is that your husband's sibling probably doesn't realize the extent of the illness. Maybe the sibling doesn't understand why you are all living with grandparents at all. Has sibling visited your husband? They may not really understand how fragile the health situation is.

I think you need to extricate yourself from the planning. This is for your husband, his parents, and his sibling to figure out. Not for you to figure out. If husband can not be involved in decisionmaking, then his parents need to tell sibling that, and they need to work out a plan for their two families (without you). Based on what they decide, you can determine what your own family's course of action should be.

Sibling knows he was hospitalized for a couple months. They didn't visit because they didn't want to leave their nursing infant, which is of course totally understandable. Since the hospital, they've seen DH twice, both times he lasted an hour or two and then we left.

We aren't just living there due to DH's illness. We initially moved in to provide elder care during the pandemic. DH's illness is one factor in why we've stayed.

DH is significantly cognitively impaired right now. He is not up for planning family events.