Is it okay to be worried why our son still doesn't have a girlfriend at college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the probably hundred of teen and 20-something women in my Facebook friends and family orbit, I don't think there is one who hasn't posted one if not multiple boyfriends over the last few years. And nearly all of them are pictured with their family or with their boyfriend's family during a holiday, taking flights or road trips together, on and on. No college relationship is kept a secret in 2021. Sounds like something Kevin in the Office would claim -- "you don't know her, she goes to a different school." lol

It's 2021. People in college now roll their eyes at Facebook.

You sound old.

It's 2021, OPs son for sure has a social media account she doesn't know about. He's probably dating around and hooking up.

[Anonymous]

He is addicted to porn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents knew nothing about my dating life until I met my husband when I was 23.

That didn't mean I didn't have one. I just didn't tell them.

I'm puzzled by posts like this acting as if it's normal to hide a companion from your parents for 20 plus years. Our kids have been bringing home boyfriends and girlfriends since probably middle school. You have to be a pretty oblivious parent to not pick up on or care about who your kids spend time with. OP's son probably is not keep a secret, he simply does not have one. If he had one, she'd visit his parents and/or he'd visit hers. Taking a college companion to your hometown during a school break is a right of passage in college. And, you know, there's this thing called social media kids, especially young women, post relationships on.

No, it is not. Many people do not tell their parents about their dating life unless they are dating somebody who is very serious and they’re considering marriage. It is certainly not a universal right of passage to bring a college girlfriend or boyfriend home for a break at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never had college boyfriends. I just didn't. He's fine. Probably having sex with randos at frat parties.

Even if true, it still displays stunted maturity. Maturing boys grow out of that by 21 and maturing girls demand a relationship. He is clearly unable to attract a mature girl. You're supposed to date in your teens and early 20s so you know how to function in a relationship and learn what you like and don't like.

Interesting considering the vast majority of the posters on the site claim to have been dating since 16 and certainly don'ts seem to be functioning well in healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our nearly 21 year old son attends an Ivy League college. He seems social, has a good amount of guy friends. Most of them have girlfriends. And most of his high school classmates also have significant others. Our son takes female dates to some college events, which he shares on social media, but he hasn't had a girlfriend so far at college. I see his peers flying to and from each others' homes on social media. But every college break we ask if he'd like money or a flight to go visit any friends (i.e. a girlfriend's hometown) and he has said no every time. And he has never asked to bring a girl home. I'm sure the first comment will be he could be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I don't think that's it. Or maybe he's a secret Lothario. No, that's not the case. My worry is he's immature and looks it. I think he comes across as much younger than his age but I don't know how to explain this to him. For example, he's really into that Barstool sports obsession nonsense. He also has my husband's baby face, so he still looks like a high school boy.

You are an idiot. I feel so sorry for any of your offspring.

[Anonymous]

When I think back to my college days, I'd say the majority of the people I knew did not have a bf/gf during college. It was a very small LAC, we were very social, we did things in groups. There were some exclusive couples, there was always someone languishing for the love of someone who did not reciprocate, there was coupling that might last a semester or a year (September always meant several breakups and new connections). I had a series of 4-5 relationships and 2 of those guys visited me at home during summer break (they also had to travel 1000 miles each way to see me). Neither became permanent.

Here's a quote from someone's undergrad honors these at U Mich in 2018:

We asked participants about their engagement in four types of romantic and sexual
relationship types over the past semester. From most to least engaged in, these were: hookups
(51.43%), dating (40.00%), friends with benefits (30.71%), and committed/romantic (24.29%);
additionally, 20.86% of respondents indicated they had engaged in none of these.

The author goes on to say these levels of engagement are consistent with past studies that have been done.

Sounds like OP's son is right in the median band.

There's plenty of google hits on the topic of college students and relationships.

As for worrying, OP--sometimes I have worried about my DS, 32. He does have social anxiety although he has a very large circle of friends. Last year was the first time he was in a real relationship--actually 2! One fell apart badly, the next lasted longer BUT the woman had long term plans involving moving cross country and he has his own business.

From my perspective, it's mostly that I want him to have that in his life. He's an only--but he does have some very close friends, male and female, in his social group.

He's always been very tight lipped about his relationships with girls/women. In his teens he was furious with me when he found out I had asked some of his friends about a certain girl, didn't learn about his first gf last year until it had fallen apart. When he kept casually mentioning the name of the second, there were enough hints that I commented ever so casually that this sounded like maybe a relationship and he confirmed. Even though it ended, I am glad that he is not actually shutting out the possibility in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I think back to my college days, I'd say the majority of the people I knew did not have a bf/gf during college. It was a very small LAC, we were very social, we did things in groups. There were some exclusive couples, there was always someone languishing for the love of someone who did not reciprocate, there was coupling that might last a semester or a year (September always meant several breakups and new connections). I had a series of 4-5 relationships and 2 of those guys visited me at home during summer break (they also had to travel 1000 miles each way to see me). Neither became permanent.

Here's a quote from someone's undergrad honors these at U Mich in 2018:

We asked participants about their engagement in four types of romantic and sexual
relationship types over the past semester. From most to least engaged in, these were: hookups
(51.43%), dating (40.00%), friends with benefits (30.71%), and committed/romantic (24.29%);
additionally, 20.86% of respondents indicated they had engaged in none of these.

The author goes on to say these levels of engagement are consistent with past studies that have been done.

Sounds like OP's son is right in the median band.

There's plenty of google hits on the topic of college students and relationships.

As for worrying, OP--sometimes I have worried about my DS, 32. He does have social anxiety although he has a very large circle of friends. Last year was the first time he was in a real relationship--actually 2! One fell apart badly, the next lasted longer BUT the woman had long term plans involving moving cross country and he has his own business.

From my perspective, it's mostly that I want him to have that in his life. He's an only--but he does have some very close friends, male and female, in his social group.

He's always been very tight lipped about his relationships with girls/women. In his teens he was furious with me when he found out I had asked some of his friends about a certain girl, didn't learn about his first gf last year until it had fallen apart. When he kept casually mentioning the name of the second, there were enough hints that I commented ever so casually that this sounded like maybe a relationship and he confirmed. Even though it ended, I am glad that he is not actually shutting out the possibility in his life.

As he should have been! What the hell is wrong with so many of you on this board?!1 Your son could lead a very happy life and never have a relationship with a woman ( or man ) , if he does choose that, no doubt you'd be the MIL from hell.
It's not about you. IT's not your life. IT's his life. For the love og GOD butt the hell out and that goes for OP as well!

[Anonymous]

Our son was like this in HS as he was an academic grind by his choice and then he went to Harvard and we didn’t hear about any GF or any dating for maybe two years. Then in junior year we hear from one of his friends that he is dating “Jessica Simpson with brains” and it turned out to be true. Even my husband couldn’t take his eyes off her. Eventually he meets another gorgeous, smart woman in grad school and married her. All is well! Some boys are just slow starters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son was like this in HS as he was an academic grind by his choice and then he went to Harvard and we didn’t hear about any GF or any dating for maybe two years. Then in junior year we hear from one of his friends that he is dating “Jessica Simpson with brains” and it turned out to be true. Even my husband couldn’t take his eyes off her. Eventually he meets another gorgeous, smart woman in grad school and married her. All is well! Some boys are just slow starters.

Gross!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is still young OP & may just be focused on his education.

Or perhaps he may not have met a girl that he is very interested in.

We all mature at different rates and your son appears on a very stable, solid path to success.

At twenty-one, he has many good dating years ahead of him.

I promise.

+1

I agree, I have a daughter but a son. Not worried for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abnormal to go through four years of university without at least one steady boyfriend or girlfriend. A young man at an Ivy should have no shortage of eager suitors.

Kids at top schools do not date in steady relationships, only hookups. Every kid in their class will be moving to a different city after graduation, so there’s no point. LDR is a pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine the Ivy girls are great looking. Leave him
Alone.

? Why the need to tear down women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:late bloomer like my DH. it's OK. He was picky and disinterested. And into sports obsessions

I'm glad it worked out for your presumably 40 or 50-something husband. However, in 2021 becoming a barstool sports manchild incel who gambles his paycheck on iPhone sports betting apps and ignores women so he can obsessively watch sports all weekend is really not "OK". Young adult men refusing to grow up and act their age is an epidemic, which dovetails on why so many women are out-earning men and why so many women in their 20s and 30s are unmarried and childless.

Why is it “not okay”?

And I have news for you, many women in their 20s and 30s are unmarried & childless BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE. And there is nothing wrong with that, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally zero ex girlfriends would be a massive red flag to young ladies after college. And it is certainly a massive red flag now. The inexperience is setting him up to become a whipped gelded sap by some pushy alpha b-word social climbing conniver.

Fortunately, it’s possible to be flexible when recounting your past to someone. You stretch the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be the reason DS has not taken you up on the offer to travel is that a couple of years ago, maybe one or two years, he got married in a very simple ceremony or at a courthouse to a local gal, maybe with a few kids of her own from a previous marriage, and he is really just taking time off from this responsibility? He may have been working long hours, picking up extra shifts in a business of some sort in addition to keeping up with his studies, which is not easy.

At 21?