Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

The kids have no say into an invitation to an event they aren’t going to.

Oh FFS. It's not about who is physically there. It's about the action of inviting both brother and girlfriend. If you can't see how this is hurtful, I can't explain any more to you.

This isn’t their first holiday post breakup. If it was, the advice may be different.
Divorces can take 2-3 years to finalize. MD and VA require 12 months separation before you can file, and then it can take 2-6 months to process.
Take into account fighting over assets… looking at 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again. This is not a loyalty test.

It’s the kids’ issues to work out their own feelings about. It is not your job to be a party to that. You don’t need to own that.

I suspect that your feelings about your brother go beyond the situation and you don’t even like him anyway.

I really hope you don't have nieces and nephews, and if you do, I feel sorry for them. Same if you have kids. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.

Says the mistress ready to move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.

An extended family is not impacted? You have some strange views on this. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

No. But he's family. She's nobody. But brother is a guest, if he doesn't want to abide by the rules he doesn't have to come either. People are a lot more accepting of bad behavior when it's their blood relative, if you haven't noticed.

But apparently not accepting of said blood relative's personal choices.

You are out of line OP. Especially since you said that the divorce being final was some sort of deciding factor in whether or not she would be welcomed to family events. Now you are changing your minds. If you love your brother, have the maturity to accept his decisions, even if you disagree with them. Right now you are just throwing a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

The kids have no say into an invitation to an event they aren’t going to.

Oh FFS. It's not about who is physically there. It's about the action of inviting both brother and girlfriend. If you can't see how this is hurtful, I can't explain any more to you.

This isn’t their first holiday post breakup. If it was, the advice may be different.
Divorces can take 2-3 years to finalize. MD and VA require 12 months separation before you can file, and then it can take 2-6 months to process.
Take into account fighting over assets… looking at 2-3 years.

The kids still aren't talking to their dad (the brother). This says a lot to me about the situation, plus the fact that OP isn't ready. Sounds like brother, and possibly mistress, did a bunch of shady stuff and no one is ready to become the Brady bunch yet. His feelings shouldn't get more consideration than the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

No. But he's family. She's nobody. But brother is a guest, if he doesn't want to abide by the rules he doesn't have to come either. People are a lot more accepting of bad behavior when it's their blood relative, if you haven't noticed.

But apparently not accepting of said blood relative's personal choices.

You are out of line OP. Especially since you said that the divorce being final was some sort of deciding factor in whether or not she would be welcomed to family events. Now you are changing your minds. If you love your brother, have the maturity to accept his decisions, even if you disagree with them. Right now you are just throwing a tantrum.

What did you do when you were banned from the family holiday gathering? Are you still holding it against them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

The kids have no say into an invitation to an event they aren’t going to.

Oh FFS. It's not about who is physically there. It's about the action of inviting both brother and girlfriend. If you can't see how this is hurtful, I can't explain any more to you.

This isn’t their first holiday post breakup. If it was, the advice may be different.
Divorces can take 2-3 years to finalize. MD and VA require 12 months separation before you can file, and then it can take 2-6 months to process.
Take into account fighting over assets… looking at 2-3 years.

The kids still aren't talking to their dad (the brother). This says a lot to me about the situation, plus the fact that OP isn't ready. Sounds like brother, and possibly mistress, did a bunch of shady stuff and no one is ready to become the Brady bunch yet. His feelings shouldn't get more consideration than the rest of the family.

Forgot to add that HIS OWN MOM doesn't want the girlfriend at her house either. When everyone is against you....is the problem you or everyone else? Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

Then don't. As a child of this situation, I got sick of "but he's your father" and him refusing to see us without the mistress. You can tell your brother yes, the goalposts moved but you're still dealing with the aftermath of his horrid decision and that's his to bear. And you will let him know at what point you are ok meeting her, and he has to deal with that.

As his kids, they would probably view you as letting them and their mom down to welcome the GF into your family holidays. And if they want to stop by, they will be wondering "is she there?"

You and only you get to decide who comes to your house. Your brother then can decide if he wants to come to your house. He's a big boy who made his bed and now gets to be mature and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again. This is not a loyalty test.

It’s the kids’ issues to work out their own feelings about. It is not your job to be a party to that. You don’t need to own that.

I suspect that your feelings about your brother go beyond the situation and you don’t even like him anyway.

I really hope you don't have nieces and nephews, and if you do, I feel sorry for them. Same if you have kids. Yuck.

I absolutely love my nieces and nephews. If my brother cheated and they were mad at him, I would really feel for them and absolutely understand their feelings. But I wouldn’t disown my brother over it.
If you cannot understand that a rift between husband/wife or parent/child should not be extended to others in the family, I cannot help you.
With family, it’s is best to not inject yourself into a strained relationship and make it worse than it already is.
This is not a loyalty test. You can feel bad for the kids and the awful situation, and still invite brother and girlfriend to an event that those kids won’t even be at. In fact, that might help the kids to start accepting the new girlfriend. They don’t have to love her or want to spend time with her, but at least recognize she is their dad’s GF.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't believe how many people are supporting you on this. Whatever you think of how they got there, this is your brother's romantic partner. It is what it is, and you need to start moving towards the new normal. You will lose your relationship with him if you hold this line.

I will add that no one except your brother and the ex really knows what went down in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

No. But he's family. She's nobody. But brother is a guest, if he doesn't want to abide by the rules he doesn't have to come either. People are a lot more accepting of bad behavior when it's their blood relative, if you haven't noticed.

But apparently not accepting of said blood relative's personal choices.

You are out of line OP. Especially since you said that the divorce being final was some sort of deciding factor in whether or not she would be welcomed to family events. Now you are changing your minds. If you love your brother, have the maturity to accept his decisions, even if you disagree with them. Right now you are just throwing a tantrum.

Disagree. The brother was stupid. People get to react how they want when they want to work through it. Move goalposts or whatever, people get to grieve and fix it at their own speed. Cheaters get to accept the timeline even when it changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

Then don't. As a child of this situation, I got sick of "but he's your father" and him refusing to see us without the mistress. You can tell your brother yes, the goalposts moved but you're still dealing with the aftermath of his horrid decision and that's his to bear. And you will let him know at what point you are ok meeting her, and he has to deal with that.

As his kids, they would probably view you as letting them and their mom down to welcome the GF into your family holidays. And if they want to stop by, they will be wondering "is she there?"

You and only you get to decide who comes to your house. Your brother then can decide if he wants to come to your house. He's a big boy who made his bed and now gets to be mature and deal with it.

Yes! All of this. Thank you for giving the kids' perspective.