Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

I think it’s a little different because he is family and she isn’t (yet).

But there does seem to be less antipathy toward the brother in law than is warranted based on how much OP dislikes the OW.

So because he is family it makes it more ok that he cheated? That's not how that works. Family or not he still cheated on his wife and he is just as much to blame for the affair. If anything you should be harder and expect more from your family.

That's exactly how it works. You've never heard a parent say "not my angel!" when someone accuses their kid of messing up. My brother is a cad, and as far as I know he hasn't cheated on his wife, but if he did I would absolutely hold my ground like OP. His wife has been a saint for putting up with him all the years they've been married. If my brother didn't like the consequences, I wouldn't miss him too much.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't saying that people don't think that way when it comes to family but that it shouldn't work that way. Brother shouldn't get a free pass because family.

I don't see brother as getting a pass. He's being denied a holiday with his home wrecker girlfriend. If his family truly thought he could do no wrong they probably would have found a way to blame the ex-wife and thought the new girlfriend brought out the best in him. They are trying to make the best of a bad situation and if they need more time, the brother should be gracious and patient and respect that. He sounds like an immature a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

The kids have no say into an invitation to an event they aren’t going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If my parents divorced because my dad had an affair, and then my grandparents and aunts and uncles invited my dad and his mistress to thanksgiving and christmas, I would be SO HURT. And probably would strain that relationship with all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

[Anonymous]

This is all super catty. I feel like an AP boyfriend would not be excluded this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

The kids have no say into an invitation to an event they aren’t going to.

Oh FFS. It's not about who is physically there. It's about the action of inviting both brother and girlfriend. If you can't see how this is hurtful, I can't explain any more to you.

[Anonymous]

Don't judge, for all you know, the SIL was not innocent in the marriage breaking up. It's easy to blame the OW, but a strong marriage can't be wrecked.

Your brother could have handled the break-up better, but who are you to dole out punishment and judgment. Other than his marriage, if he's a good guy, treat him like one - and get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

100% true. I've seen this happen first hand. I don't believe in discarding family members, and especially not my brother. I accept who my brother chose to date and marry out of love for my brother. I also love my niece and nephew, but honestly, not as deeply as love my brother. We've been doing life together for a very long time. I've done some stupid things, and he had no problem letting me know, but I've never doubted where we stand with each other. It's almost like a safety net. I hope you can be that for your brother, too.

That's really sad that you don't love your own niece and nephew as much as your brother. Aren't they also your blood and you have known them since they were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

100% true. I've seen this happen first hand. I don't believe in discarding family members, and especially not my brother. I accept who my brother chose to date and marry out of love for my brother. I also love my niece and nephew, but honestly, not as deeply as love my brother. We've been doing life together for a very long time. I've done some stupid things, and he had no problem letting me know, but I've never doubted where we stand with each other. It's almost like a safety net. I hope you can be that for your brother, too.

That's really sad that you don't love your own niece and nephew as much as your brother. Aren't they also your blood and you have known them since they were born.

+1 If anything, I love my nieces and nephews more because they are innocent kids. Such a weird take.

[Anonymous]

We do we think the girldfried would even want to attend this family's Thanksgiving dinner? This probably is a non-issue anyway.

OP-without discounting your feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment in your brother. This is your brother and he has made a choice. Whether or not your agree with his choice, you have to decide if you still want a relationship with him. If you do, you will likely have to make some concessions. If she is really his partner, you will have to accept that to have a relationship with him.

Still, I would not have her around when his kids are around-they come first. No question there.

[Anonymous]

I do love them, and I think they'd agree that I'm a good aunt to them. However, my brother and I have been through it all together and seen each other through good times and bad - addiction, eating disorder, parents fighting, graduation, marriage, childbirth. He's the executor of my will and the guardian of my children should I pass. I can go to him with anything and I hope he feels the same way about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?[/quote]

The brother's selfish behavior could mess up his kids for years. The way other family members handle this now is going to determine a lot of how the kids process what went down. And "over a year" is not much time at all if you are a kid whose father cheated on his family and has now entirely moved on. This is raw and new to the kids still.

Usually an extended family will choose the man, not his kids, though.

[Anonymous]

Again. This is not a loyalty test.

It’s the kids’ issues to work out their own feelings about. It is not your job to be a party to that. You don’t need to own that.

I suspect that your feelings about your brother go beyond the situation and you don’t even like him anyway.