Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a friend group like this and I find it incredibly difficult to have a best friend. Everyone is on shared time. It’s different than having one person who is your person.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Don't engage with anyone in this group. See if any of them ever go out of their way to invite you and engage with you.

Sorry to say it seems they're ghosting you and hoping you get the hint. Maybe the 4 husbands are genuine pals but these women are not your pals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

I tend to agree with this. It is the coverup that’s more problematic and weird.

Hi OP. This exact thing happened to us in our neighborhood. It DID hurt. I’m going to warn you now: This is the beginning of the end of this group. The birthday girl won’t be your longterm problem. The problem will be feeling weirded out by the ones who attended and deliberately hid it from you. Their choice with the hiding bit will corrode those relationships - it is a matter of time. I’m so sorry and it truly sucks. I would play it cool and friendly but detached with them, and actively invest in other friends outside this group NOW.

— BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

+1

I see this less as she’s trying to exclude you and be mean and more as a sign that she feels closer to other people than she does to you. That said, maybe I’m immature but going forward, I wouldn’t include her in group plans if I were the one hosting or inviting. She’s shown you she’s not that into you, so why initiate spending any more time with her? You can be polite if others invite the larger group.

I think so too. I do wonder why the ones in the group who are your close friends were cagey with you rather than just be factual. Obviously they know that you and birthday girls aren't close. I actually think openness is less likely to cause hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can feel any way you want ... what you really need to know: how to act going forward. You act the same. If you want to have what you have now (at least), you act the same. Anything short of that and you say goodbye to being in this group. Suppose that might have ramifications for your husband/and his friends, don't know

You could consider -- it was a birthday. A birthday could be considered unique. You could let time pass, based on that. See how things feel 6 months from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can feel any way you want ... what you really need to know: how to act going forward. You act the same. If you want to have what you have now (at least), you act the same. Anything short of that and you say goodbye to being in this group. Suppose that might have ramifications for your husband/and his friends, don't know

You could consider -- it was a birthday. A birthday could be considered unique. You could let time pass, based on that. See how things feel 6 months from now.

+1

I would file this away. It was her birthday, you admit you aren’t close, and she invited other people. I think it’s fine the others didn’t tell you *what* their other plans were. See how things are going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

They should have told her. You just say “oh I can’t Saturday, I’m going to larla’s birthday thing.” Stating it matter if factly normalizes it. OP can take in that info (she is not close enough to Larla for an invite) and move on.

By avoiding telling OP, her friends made it weird. Like she was being excluded. It implies there was a conversation about it since they were all cagey about it (so likely discussed beforehand and agreed not to tell her). That’s sketchy!

Just be honest and people will figure stuff out. It’s when you get sneaky and withholding that problems develop. Don’t be weird.

This. OP, you should be more concerned about the other so called friends from that group. If they were real friends they would have told you they were going and not kept you in the dark. I've been in your shoes and what hurt me more was people whom I perceived as my good friends not telling me they were going some place together. It felt more like back stabbing to me. I only talk to them when we meet at other events these days.

[Anonymous]

You're way overthinking this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can feel any way you want ... what you really need to know: how to act going forward. You act the same. If you want to have what you have now (at least), you act the same. Anything short of that and you say goodbye to being in this group. Suppose that might have ramifications for your husband/and his friends, don't know

You could consider -- it was a birthday. A birthday could be considered unique. You could let time pass, based on that. See how things feel 6 months from now.

Here's the rub though. She'd literally be ACTING the same. Acting as in theater. Because she doesn't feel the same. Before, her relationship with them sounds like it was unguarded and not a performance. So she can act for awhile, and maybe after awhile, her feelings will shift and things WILL be ok; she can drop the temporary performance.

But it's more likely that she'll act like things are fine, but since they aren't actually fine, the damage has been done and the slow corrosiveness of mistrust is in the mix here.

I'm so sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

I agree. If we aren’t close, I wouldn’t attend anyway.

Please. You would attend. Just to be part of the crew.

Nope. Not worth my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're way overthinking this OP.

This. I can’t get over all the people who would be upset about this. OP, you said yourself you aren’t close to her. Who cares if she doesn’t invite you to her birthday party?! Don’t blow up a nice group over something so silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine giving shyt about not being invited to the birthday of a woman *with whom you are not even close and only see in a group setting.* Get a hobby.

It's a little weird for the bday girl to have excluded this one lady.

OP don't let her impact your friendships with others. Continue to socialize with the others. I would not go out of my way to invite bday girl anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're way overthinking this OP.

This. I can’t get over all the people who would be upset about this. OP, you said yourself you aren’t close to her. Who cares if she doesn’t invite you to her birthday party?! Don’t blow up a nice group over something so silly.

The birthday girl blew up the friend group by not inviting OP. Put the blame where it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

It is her birthday and she is an adult and can choose who she wants to spend that special day of her life. Get over. I would not feel hurt for sure, especially if you said you are not very close. I don't understand why is this even an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would feel hurt to (because this suggests that the birthday celebrant is not as close to you as the others). But there is really not much you can do about that. It sounds like she was not your fave anyway.

I would NOT be hurt because your other friends did not tell you. It is awkward to be invited to something when another is not. It is NOT their place to reveal that to the uninvited person. They did not want to hurt you or have to discuss the inviter's reasoning.

Just move forward knowing that you are not among the birthday girl's closest friends.Continue to invite the people whose company you enjoy to events. It is part of life. But your feelings are understandable.

Agree. It is NOT polite to discuss events to which others have not been invited or speculate on the reasoning. Others saying these friends should have notified OP are not being considerate.

Considerate to who?