Angry at sister and BIL for getting pregnant again
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Anonymous
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My sister and BIL have 2 healthy girls. During my sister’s last pregnancy (with her 2nd) she had a number of serious health issues/complications which led to the baby being delivered at 32 weeks. It was very stressful for all, the baby spent 2 months in the NICU, it was really hard for their older DD and my parents had to step in to help for a few months which took a toll on them (in late 70s not in great health).
My sister was told that she should never get pregnant again because it could have catastrophic health consequences for her and a baby given what happened this last time (the same issues were guaranteed and would likely be worse). My sister was more than content to stop at 2 kids, but BIL really wanted a son and kept pushing my sister, who agreed to try one last time going against all medical advice. Fast forward, she is pregnant and was admitted to the hospital a couple days ago at 23 weeks, and will have to stay there for the remainder of her pregnancy. They want to get her to 36 weeks. When my sister delivers she will need a complex surgery (including a complete hysterectomy) and they can see the baby may have some issues as well. They are now asking my parents to go stay at their house for the next few months to care for their kids since BIL needs to work (and is fairly useless with the kids anyway) and my sister is in the hospital. My parents live 2 hours from them and my mom is currently undergoing chemo, so now is not the time to uproot them and make them have to care for two young kids. My mom needs to take care of herself and not have to worry about this in top of it. Of course they had no other contingency plan - like hiring a nanny or something - which they say they don’t want to do because it will be too hard for the girls. I live in another state and offered to have the girls come here for a bit, but they don’t want to pull them out of school for the remainder of the year so that’s that. I feel truly horrible to them and want to help, but at the same time am so angry they put themselves and their children in this position. They really thought everything would just be fine?? |
Anonymous
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I have a relative like this and thankfully she did stop after her doc told her the same thing. She just complained about it a lot.
You can be angry but keep it to yourself. Other people's poor life choices aren't really your business. |
Anonymous
| That’s frustrating! I couldn’t imagine my husband agreeing, let alone pushing me to have another baby in this situation. Hopefully everyone is healthy and safe including your parents through this ordeal. |
Anonymous
| Is he getting his boy? |
Anonymous
| Sue this is seagull. I have no advice. I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
This is OP - it is my business because now my mom is rushing to help which means having to take a break from her chemo until she can get it sorted out where my sister lives. And my dad will have to drive her back and forth for doctor’s appts and he is not 100% well either. So her poor choice is putting my parents at risk. |
Anonymous
| That's so infuriating and so unfair to your parents. If your mom is willing to say no, support her in doing that and finding a way to help them with another plan (finding a good nanny? daycare? day care + au pair or mothers/fathers helper for evenings?) You shouldn't have to do that but if your mom feels like they have a reasonable and safe alternative hopefully she can feel comfortable saying no |
Anonymous
Nope, another girl after all this. |
Anonymous
| Wow your BIL sounds like a real d!ck. I would also be furious over this, and I'd feel so badly for the two girls who apparently weren't good enough for their dad. People's obsession with having kids of a certain gender just enrages me. |
Anonymous
| Your parents should just not come. They can't right now--your mom is in treatment. Let your sister and BIL sort it out. They'll figure out something. |
Anonymous
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OP I so get it. Truly I do. I have a sister who makes horrible decision after horrible decision. She gets my 80 year old mom caught up in her dramas and then my mother calls me hysterical and yells at me for setting boundaries and not for trying to join rescue efforts. I made myself pretty ill when I let myself get sucked in too all their craziness. My health improved when I learned to detach.
My mom is very codependent with my sister. That is her choice. I used to want to protect her, but I had to learn it is not my place to tell a grownup who is of sound mind what to do. She does not have dementia. My sister has a high IQ and no common sense, but she gets to make her decisions and deal with the consequences even if she deals by getting mom all crazy. My sister's kids know I love them. They have fathers who love them (but hate my sister). They have suffered a lot from her choices, but I hope in some way we provide a buffer by just being safe people for them. It's very hard to watch a trainwreck and know it was preventable. If your mom chooses to literally die for your sister that is her choice and you have to respect it. You cannot control her. |
Anonymous
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I would encourage them to hire a nanny and other than that, stay out of it. They are used to family rushing in to save them when they willfully make horrible choices.
I hope she and the baby are ok. The older kids will be fine, if not thrown into some upheaval. I'd have a hard time being nice to my BIL after this. |
Anonymous
Oh my gosh so terrible all around. Your poor parents. If I’m honest though I would do anything, including pausing chemo, to make sure my theoretical grandchildren were ok. Those girls must be terrified and I just don’t know if a nanny would cut it although that would be the best if they could find a really really good one. I’d never be able to forgive my BIL for all of this! |
Anonymous
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Where are BIL's family - his parents and siblings? They need to step up.
I would encourage your mom not to help this time. She needs to take care of herself. DELAYING CHEMO? What is wrong with your sister and BIL?? Plus, she is probably immuno-compromised and being around little kids is dangerous - this could kill her! I would call your sister and your BIL and demand they get their own childcare. If you can afford it, offer to help pay. If your mom & dad can afford it, have them pitch in. Or tell them to start a Go-fund-me. Outrageous. |
Anonymous
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I realize posters are tell you to MYOB, but I would have a conversation with my sister AND her piece of crap husband. Your mom is pausing chemo?? How can your sibling be so selfish? No words. Why are your parents going along with this scheme?
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