Angry at sister and BIL for getting pregnant again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

I don’t understand why your brother in law can’t hire a nanny!!

He can. He won't.

He must.

Or your sister can.

[Anonymous]

OP, what was your sister's reaction to what you said this morning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

I don’t understand why your brother in law can’t hire a nanny!!

He can. He won't.

He must.

Or your sister can.

+1 He’ll literally have no choice but to step up and figure out a solution, if the parents can’t do it. And I do hope they don’t sacrifice the health/treatment of OP’s mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, you cannot control what your parents do. I would have one very direct conversation with them about your feelings on this matter. The fact that your Sister and BIL would even contemplate asking your mom to pause chemo means they are horrible people. But at the end of the day, if your parents choose to help them it is on them. I have faced similar situations and have been very direct with my mom. She chose to still help but at least I was clear how I felt. It sucks and is unfair, but some people are just selfish a**holes.

[Anonymous]

You need to discuss this with your sister. She can hire a nanny from the hospital. She has a role in all this too.

[Anonymous]

OP your parents are getting something out of this as well, or they wouldn’t be doing it. It’s so frustrating to watch dynamics like this (we have it in my husbands family, I know it sucks!) but after making a neutral observation like “mom it doesn’t seem wise to take in caregiving activities while undergoing chemo” all you can do is realize that everyone in the story is an adult, and your mom is choosing to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this and thankfully she did stop after her doc told her the same thing. She just complained about it a lot.

You can be angry but keep it to yourself. Other people's poor life choices aren't really your business.

This is OP - it is my business because now my mom is rushing to help which means having to take a break from her chemo until she can get it sorted out where my sister lives. And my dad will have to drive her back and forth for doctor’s appts and he is not 100% well either. So her poor choice is putting my parents at risk.

I agree w/you on this OP.
If their poor choice affected you and/or your loved ones, then it is absolutely YOUR business.

The respondent has no clue what they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

BIL is a selfish jerk. They should have looked for a surrogate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

I don’t understand why your brother in law can’t hire a nanny!!

He can. He won't.

He will if you all refuse to bail him out of this situation and help him.

[Anonymous]

Can't the BIL take FMLA - you know, caring for children and wife?

[Anonymous]

Any way sister can do bedrest at home? Although she can't really parent and do things, at least she'd be present with her girls, can do sedentary things like talk and read with kids, and otherwise be near....might make her and BIL more comfortable to hire at least a PT nanny for when the kids are home from school (or even a teen mothers helper to help get the girl' wiggles out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone on this board so delusional to think that everyone has FMLA?

It's a federal requirement for most employers, so it's not that crazy to assume most people on DCUM (who are MC or UMC) would have this available to them. FMLA does not mean you get paid for the leave, but that you can take it for certain reasons for a certain amount of time and not get fired.

How would OP qualify for FMLA under these circumstances. It’s a childcare issue - and someone else’s at that.

OP, I hope your mom figures out how to handle things without compromising her own health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL is a selfish jerk. They should have looked for a surrogate.

Could have done gender selection as well and gotten the male child that he values above his wife and existing children too. I can’t believe it would be more expensive than the current situation with extended hospital stays and high-risk care. Too late now, though.

[Anonymous]

It is the husband's responsibility to step up and take care of everything. I would not help if it was my daughter and son in law. I can be a major "b" if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, your parents may feel that their lives are more expendable than their BIL’s inconvenience. It’s sad that your parents don’t value themselves more.

Like, they’d literally kill your mother rather than have kids change schools for a few months, and you’re willing to take them? That’s absurd. Kids change schools all the time. BIL is useless and horrible. But your sister is an ass too. She would rather kill your mother than have her girls temporarily change routine?!?! Honestly. I’d basically never speak to her again. She’s a selfish idiot.