Angry at sister and BIL for getting pregnant again

[Anonymous]

Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d put my foot down with my mom. If she were healthy, that would be one thing, but she’s not, and a cancer patient undergoing chemo in her 70s is a completely inappropriate choice to provide ongoing, full time childcare to two young children. Your mom and dad need to prioritize their own health at this time. Your sister and BIL will just have to come up with a Plan B. If your parents are unavailable, maybe they’ll reconsider uprooting their daughters for the remainder of the school year.

I hope all of your relatives are healthy and happy at this time next year.

Oh good, lots more posters treating adults like babies today. This kind of thing always brings them out. Her mother is in her 70s, not a 2-year-old. She gets to make her own choices. OP needs to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really angry at your sister?

Or are you angry at your mom who is willing to do this and deep down you feel if the situation was reversed she wouldn't do this to help you?

This is a bit of a reach, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

Literally none of this is true. Have your kids lost a grandparent? A close relative? Mine have. They move on. Yes, losing their mother would be devastating. The rest? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

You have to talk to your mom about not doing this.

It’s not enough that he wants to jeopardize your sister’s life but now he wants your mom to put her health in the line too? No f-ing way. He needs to hire a nanny period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

Literally none of this is true. Have your kids lost a grandparent? A close relative? Mine have. They move on. Yes, losing their mother would be devastating. The rest? Not so much.

Really? You don’t think it would be traumatic for a little girl to come home from school and find her grandmother dead at the kitchen table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

Literally none of this is true. Have your kids lost a grandparent? A close relative? Mine have. They move on. Yes, losing their mother would be devastating. The rest? Not so much.

Really? You don’t think it would be traumatic for a little girl to come home from school and find her grandmother dead at the kitchen table?

Or if, god forbid, both the grandmother and the mother die in the next 5 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d put my foot down with my mom. If she were healthy, that would be one thing, but she’s not, and a cancer patient undergoing chemo in her 70s is a completely inappropriate choice to provide ongoing, full time childcare to two young children. Your mom and dad need to prioritize their own health at this time. Your sister and BIL will just have to come up with a Plan B. If your parents are unavailable, maybe they’ll reconsider uprooting their daughters for the remainder of the school year.

I hope all of your relatives are healthy and happy at this time next year.

I mean, whatever that means. If OP could control her mom a lot of things would have gone differently, I suspect.

[Anonymous]

grandma and grandpa coming for a couple weeks, fine. for potentially 12 weeks, nope!

they need to find a temporary nanny.

your parents need to tell them they are not able to commit to this kind of full time care for that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put my foot down with my mom. If she were healthy, that would be one thing, but she’s not, and a cancer patient undergoing chemo in her 70s is a completely inappropriate choice to provide ongoing, full time childcare to two young children. Your mom and dad need to prioritize their own health at this time. Your sister and BIL will just have to come up with a Plan B. If your parents are unavailable, maybe they’ll reconsider uprooting their daughters for the remainder of the school year.

I hope all of your relatives are healthy and happy at this time next year.

This. There are people in this world whose profession is taking care of young children. That they don't want to get a nanny isn't really an option now.

I would have a very frank conversation with my parents, and tell them I don't think they should do this, for all the reasons detailed above. I'd also have a conversation with my sister, telling her exactly hat I think of her efforts to pressure the parents to provide childcare.

At the end of the day, you can;t prevent this. But I woudl try to dissuade.

I think this is where I stand on this whole mess.

OP, do you have kids? Because I would absolutely play the guilt card here - don't your own children also deserve a grandmother? And I would let my sister and BIL HAVE IT.

I honestly can't believe your sister and BIL. I had severe pre-eclampsia with my 2nd pregnancy. I was hospitalized at 29 weeks and my daughter was delivered at exactly 32 weeks. I requested a tubal ligation during the C-section because there was no way I was risking my life for another pregnancy and leaving two girls without a mother. Your BIL sounds like a real piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Something like this happened to my SIL.
No point getting angry and upsetting your sister. Time to come together and make a plan to help out.
My SIL hated me. I still don't know why but she did. Since I was the only SAH mother, I volunteered to help. It was rough but it needed to be done. She was fine, baby was fine, all things considered, we all did our best. Recovering from a difficult birth plus a hysterectomy is brutal on any woman.
You have to put your anger and ego aside and do what you can to help your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it. Truly I do. I have a sister who makes horrible decision after horrible decision. She gets my 80 year old mom caught up in her dramas and then my mother calls me hysterical and yells at me for setting boundaries and not for trying to join rescue efforts. I made myself pretty ill when I let myself get sucked in too all their craziness. My health improved when I learned to detach.

My mom is very codependent with my sister. That is her choice. I used to want to protect her, but I had to learn it is not my place to tell a grownup who is of sound mind what to do. She does not have dementia. My sister has a high IQ and no common sense, but she gets to make her decisions and deal with the consequences even if she deals by getting mom all crazy. My sister's kids know I love them. They have fathers who love them (but hate my sister). They have suffered a lot from her choices, but I hope in some way we provide a buffer by just being safe people for them.

It's very hard to watch a trainwreck and know it was preventable. If your mom chooses to literally die for your sister that is her choice and you have to respect it. You cannot control her.

+1. It is fine to let your mom know that you think she should not swoop in and help your sister, but, you can't control your mom. My sister has had 3 high risk pregnancies that started with months of bedrest, complicated deliveries, and very premature babies with lots of needs. My mom has spent months at a time with my sister helping her with everything (giving up vacations, time with friends, time with other grandkids/family, etc.). In my experience there is little to be done. The more you complain, the more you will be seen as not supporting the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put my foot down with my mom. If she were healthy, that would be one thing, but she’s not, and a cancer patient undergoing chemo in her 70s is a completely inappropriate choice to provide ongoing, full time childcare to two young children. Your mom and dad need to prioritize their own health at this time. Your sister and BIL will just have to come up with a Plan B. If your parents are unavailable, maybe they’ll reconsider uprooting their daughters for the remainder of the school year.

I hope all of your relatives are healthy and happy at this time next year.

Oh good, lots more posters treating adults like babies today. This kind of thing always brings them out. Her mother is in her 70s, not a 2-year-old. She gets to make her own choices. OP needs to butt out.

No, OP doesn’t have to butt out. She can’t control her mom, but she doesn’t have to be passive and she doesn’t have to act like this cockamamie scheme is normal and fine. IOW, it’s okay to be the voice of reason. Mom may or may not listen to OP, but at least OP won’t have to wonder if she could have stopped this madness by acknowledging it for what it is and calling it out.

[Anonymous]

Oh I thought this was going to be about jealousy, but OP, that is just horrible!! I'm so sorry, first, for your sister and hope everything goes well with the pregnancy and birth; and second, for your parents, I hope your mom's health improves. PLEASE make sure that your mom focuses on herself, and not your sister. I wish I could help!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really angry at your sister?

Or are you angry at your mom who is willing to do this and deep down you feel if the situation was reversed she wouldn't do this to help you?

What? How far out of left field did you come up with this?