Angry at sister and BIL for getting pregnant again

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP.

Very glad your mom's doctor set her straight--your sister will be in even greater trouble if your mom dies and there is absolutely no one to help her do anything.

Your sister and BIL are very selfish people, and have gotten in a situation where they are fooling around and finding out the doctors weren't lying. During a pandemic. With a mother who is in chemo.

[Anonymous]

This is a trainwreck and I’d be angry as well. Keep your boundaries and maintain your offer that the kids can visit you. Remind your mom and everyone else that she may pay for pausing chemo with her life. Suggest BIL take a leave of absence. If you want to be really nice, look into churches or community groups that may be willing to help them out. But damn this is not your mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

OP is there any chance you can go and help your sister? Take FMLA leave and help hire the nanny? Your mom cannot handle this. She needs the chemo and clearly can't function well after it. Plus little kids are teeming with germs and could infect her with something like cold/flu/covid and then she's in trouble. I cannot imagine asking a 70 something year old with cancer during chemo to look after a 3 and 6 year old!!! That's insane.

Or your BIL can take FMLA and he finds the nanny!!! You mom needs to be completely out of this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Is everyone on this board so delusional to think that everyone has FMLA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone on this board so delusional to think that everyone has FMLA?

It's a federal requirement for most employers, so it's not that crazy to assume most people on DCUM (who are MC or UMC) would have this available to them. FMLA does not mean you get paid for the leave, but that you can take it for certain reasons for a certain amount of time and not get fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone on this board so delusional to think that everyone has FMLA?

Here - educate yourself: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone on this board so delusional to think that everyone has FMLA?

Yes, and they also assume that everyone has health insurance that covers everything with just a small copay.

[Anonymous]

your BIL and your sister are so dumb and selfish... moving on to the problem solving mode, could you take the 3 year old and BIL could take care of the 6 year old (who is in school)?

[Anonymous]

Thats horrendous. My mom had chemo and was done after 1 round. She died within 6 months. I had two little kids and she lived across the country. I did everything to be there for her and my brother moved in with her and my dad to help. Your sister is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are BIL's family - his parents and siblings? They need to step up.

I would encourage your mom not to help this time. She needs to take care of herself. DELAYING CHEMO? What is wrong with your sister and BIL?? Plus, she is probably immuno-compromised and being around little kids is dangerous - this could kill her!

I would call your sister and your BIL and demand they get their own childcare. If you can afford it, offer to help pay. If your mom & dad can afford it, have them pitch in.

Or tell them to start a Go-fund-me.

Outrageous.

Yeah, and since they pooh-poohed OP’s offer to let the kids come to her because they don’t want to pull them out of their SCHOOL, that’s an even worse idea for them to be living with their elderly grandmother with cancer undergoing immunosuppressive treatment.

I hate selfish people. No advice, OP, just commiseration. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not going to tell my parents what they can or can’t do, but had a very direct conversation with both my parents and my sister today and told my sister she will be responsible for our mom’s death if she doesn’t find an alternate solution. I proposed to both that my parents go for a few weeks to try to help hire a nanny and get the kids used to that person. My mom’s doctor told her pausing chemo is not an option if she wants to be around much longer, and I think that’s what will get her to listen. She can get set up to do her chemo where my sister lives, but my mom is generally pretty debilitated for a few days after each infusion and recognizes that she can’t care for 3 and 6 year olds alone (my dad isn’t much help).

BIL’s parents are both deceased and he has a sibling across the country he is not close to.

To the poster who thinks I am angry at my mom and not my sister, no clue where you got that from but I completely understand my parents’ desire to help my sister as I know they would do for me if needed in a heartbeat.

I am just so angry they were selfish enough to put their kids through this and never once thought to plan ahead even though they were told it was guaranteed to happen.

Probably because he is an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

Their mother and grandmother make their own choices. Unless he can produce a baby himself, this was his wife's choice. And if grandma goes to help and forego her own treatment, sorry to say, but it's her (terrible) choice too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this and thankfully she did stop after her doc told her the same thing. She just complained about it a lot.

You can be angry but keep it to yourself. Other people's poor life choices aren't really your business.

This is OP - it is my business because now my mom is rushing to help which means having to take a break from her chemo until she can get it sorted out where my sister lives. And my dad will have to drive her back and forth for doctor’s appts and he is not 100% well either. So her poor choice is putting my parents at risk.

It's your parents' business to tell them no, not you. Some parents want to be their kids' friend and that is the reason there are so many entitled adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your mom. Tell her that pausing her chemo and the stress of caring for 2 young kids (and living with their selfish father) increase the odds she will die soon.

If she does die, especially if she dies while living with her grandchildren, it will REALLY mess them up. Just adding a grandmother's death into this mix will be awful. At some point, though, they will understand that their parents' actions caused her earlier death. They may even come to understand that their parents saw risking their grandmother's health as a better course of action than having them live with you and go to a different school for a few months.

Now,throw in that the 3rd child will have special needs and that some day these two GIRLS will probably figure out that their dad risked BOTH their mother's and grandmother's lives so he MIGHT have a son...and tell me that's not going to require YEARS of therapy.

Your mom needs to say NO and say that risking her own health at this crucial point in her daughter's and granddaughters lives is not better for her granddaughters than a few months in a different school while living with their aunt and uncle.

Their mother and grandmother make their own choices. Unless he can produce a baby himself, this was his wife's choice. And if grandma goes to help and forego her own treatment, sorry to say, but it's her (terrible) choice too.

She is not going to be able to help. She is going to feel too ill most of the time. It simply won’t work.