Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

You really do not know much about actual circumstances of adoptions. “Abandonment” to orphanages by shine who actually does not wish to parent is extraordinarily rare.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread explains why we decided not to adopt and remain childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Any qualified adoptions social worker explores whether the adoptive family has "grieved" Plan A, if it was not adoption. They are supposed to have made peace with that and embrace adoption, before they are approved for a child.

Some agencies push it, others don't. We had an issue with one agency who said we had to grieve in their classes and we told them adoption was our first choice so we'd grieve if we couldn't adopt and they were pissed. You can easily lie and pass a homestudy. Its a very simple basic process that is just interviews, home check and medical. Anyone can lie about their feelings to adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.

Your problem is not that you were adopted, it is that you got bad parents. I am sorry about that. It happens to kids everyday (regardless of how they enter their family), and they all deserve better. As recommended above...therapy might help you sort out your issues, which are complex.

What you are ignoring in what PP said is that there is an adoption industry that created a market and incentivizes children to be taken from parents who otherwise desperately want to raise their babies.

Ignore that poster who clearly doesn't understand what the one poster was saying.

[Anonymous]

i see the anti-adoption troll is back, a few posts above. We -- an adoption-formed family -- have been reading her crap on these boards for years.

We have our perfect family -- 3 adopted kids -- one from Vietnam, 2 from Ethiopia. No reason to consider pregnancy when such great kids are out there are waiting for you. That's a quote from my oldest daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i see the anti-adoption troll is back, a few posts above. We -- an adoption-formed family -- have been reading her crap on these boards for years.

We have our perfect family -- 3 adopted kids -- one from Vietnam, 2 from Ethiopia. No reason to consider pregnancy when such great kids are out there are waiting for you. That's a quote from my oldest daughter.

Good for you. But there is no need to look down on and feel superior to those who try other means to build their families before turning to adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i see the anti-adoption troll is back, a few posts above. We -- an adoption-formed family -- have been reading her crap on these boards for years.

We have our perfect family -- 3 adopted kids -- one from Vietnam, 2 from Ethiopia. No reason to consider pregnancy when such great kids are out there are waiting for you. That's a quote from my oldest daughter.

You seem to comment referring to an “anti adoption troll” often, but I can tell you that I often post about the coerciveness of the adoption industry and I’m often chiming in among other posts, as I did here in support of the “angry adoptee”. I’m not an adoptee; in the child of a mother who was pressured and ultimately tricked into relinquishing a child and lived a tortured life. I have since met countless young women who have lost their children to adoption more recently, and the situations are different (not Catholic Charities) but the coercion, pressure, guilt, and downright dishonestly are still prevalent. I know it makes adoptive parents here defensive and angry, but I share my own experience. You choose to believe there is just one of us but concerns about the unethical adoption industry are more widespread than you would like to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i see the anti-adoption troll is back, a few posts above. We -- an adoption-formed family -- have been reading her crap on these boards for years.

We have our perfect family -- 3 adopted kids -- one from Vietnam, 2 from Ethiopia. No reason to consider pregnancy when such great kids are out there are waiting for you. That's a quote from my oldest daughter.

You seem to comment referring to an “anti adoption troll” often, but I can tell you that I often post about the coerciveness of the adoption industry and I’m often chiming in among other posts, as I did here in support of the “angry adoptee”. I’m not an adoptee; in the child of a mother who was pressured and ultimately tricked into relinquishing a child and lived a tortured life. I have since met countless young women who have lost their children to adoption more recently, and the situations are different (not Catholic Charities) but the coercion, pressure, guilt, and downright dishonestly are still prevalent. I know it makes adoptive parents here defensive and angry, but I share my own experience. You choose to believe there is just one of us but concerns about the unethical adoption industry are more widespread than you would like to admit.

There was a lot of shady stuff with my child's sibling's adoption. Really unethical that we tried to stop. No one was thinking about what the impact on the child was. It was all about money and connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Ours too. When we were dating I told my future husband I fully expected to adopt any future children. My future husband replied "Cool. Which country? " We love our 2 daughters from China beyond belief.

How difficult was your China adoption? I have heard it has become much harder recently. That would be my first choice of a country to adopt from because I speak the language.

[Anonymous]

It has become harder, in part because Chinese people can now adopt within the country (that had not been allowed decades ago). The waits are longer and few healthy babies are available.

If you attend some adoption agency orientations, they will explain the situation in each country that we have a treaty with (that their agency deals with). Adoptions Together is a great place to start.