Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

[Anonymous]

Yup the parents are the problems. We have 2 bio and 2 adopted (from Ethiopia) kids. We have never treated any of our children differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

I hope these women never adopt. Why isn't adoption their first or 2nd choice? Leave the available kids to mothers who do not see adoption as 3rd/4rth choice. You will definitely eff up your kids.

I agree, god help those kids if they find out their parents saw adoption as a last choice. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

I would not condemn such a woman but also could never relate to people risking their health and going into debt just so their child comes out of their vagina/carries their DNA. That is not the central element of parenting to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio ch

I very purposefully used "biological" as well as "natural" to see which one posters would pick on. DCUMers are so predictable.

And no, my parenting is no way different had I birthed my daughters. As my daughters tend to say, "Stop making such a big deal about adoption. It's the parents who are the problem."

This made me chuckle. My DC is the same. While I certainly know kids who were torn about thinking about their birth parents..my kid is nothing like that. I would give her many opportunities to discuss them growing up (as I had been trained: to give her "permission" to discuss her expected questions). I would say in a low key/positive way, "Do you ever think of your birth family honey? Because ti would be normal if you do." She would say, "Not unless you bring it up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

I do not get what you are saying. The angry Asian adopters are probably not as angry as you think.
It is a fact that in several Asian countries the adoption market has become a racket and official corruption doesn't help.
I fully support all nation's making plans to care for their own orphans and sort out their social issues.

[Anonymous]

1. Did you already have kids? Yes, I had one bio kid and had another bio kid after we adopted.
2. Did you adopt privately through an agency or through the foster system? internationally through an agency
3. How long did the process take? 14 months (14 years ago)
4. What age was your child(ren) when you adopted? 8 months
5. How much did the adoption cost? Maybe $20K but then got back an adoption tax credit of about half the amount.
6. Anything you learned along the way that would be helpful to someone considering adoption or anything you did differently you would share?) We love all of our children equally and they are all treated the same by us, the parents as well as the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Our child that we adopted is in many ways our easiest child. I often bring up her birth country/birth parents, but she says that she really isn't that interested in it. I don't know that the future holds, but up until this point there have been no attachment issues or any other issues (other than 6 months of speech therapy). We love her unconditionally and no differently than the two I gave birth to. She has our full support if she ever wants to search for her birth parents or visit her birth country. I would love to meet them, too and for them to see that she has had a good life.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I also have a friend who is an adult Korean adoptee and have spoken at length with her about her adoption and her feelings about it. She was adopted into a white family and has another sister who was also adopted from Asia as well as a sister who was her parents' bio kid. She is not interested in searching for her birth family (which surprises me as I know I would want to, but we're all different) and is very close to her family. She is one of the kindest women I have met and is raising amazing (bio) kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio ch

I very purposefully used "biological" as well as "natural" to see which one posters would pick on. DCUMers are so predictable.

And no, my parenting is no way different had I birthed my daughters. As my daughters tend to say, "Stop making such a big deal about adoption. It's the parents who are the problem."

This made me chuckle. My DC is the same. While I certainly know kids who were torn about thinking about their birth parents..my kid is nothing like that. I would give her many opportunities to discuss them growing up (as I had been trained: to give her "permission" to discuss her expected questions). I would say in a low key/positive way, "Do you ever think of your birth family honey? Because ti would be normal if you do." She would say, "Not unless you bring it up."

My parenting is way different. But, my child knows their history and has a relationship with some of his family as do we. So, they are talked to and about regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

I do not get what you are saying. The angry Asian adopters are probably not as angry as you think.
It is a fact that in several Asian countries the adoption market has become a racket and official corruption doesn't help.
I fully support all nation's making plans to care for their own orphans and sort out their social issues.

The adoption industry is just as corrupt in the US. Don't think it only happens abroad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

I don’t get the whole culture around ppl being “called” to adoption or that parents won’t love the kid as much if they are adopted after infertility. It’s truly gross. Who cares if it was her last choice? Was it birth parents first choice to put their kid for for adoption??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.



I look at it this way: all parents are looking for the best outcome for their future child. When i was deciding countries I went with both my heart and my head -- and Vietnam had the best outcomes for the children available for adoption. Luckily, it was my first choice anyway. (I adopted as a single mom and Vietnam was very accepting and friendly.) When i (sadly) see 80% of bio parents now terminating a pregnancy for a positive test result for Down Syndrome it is not hard to see why adoptive parents increasingly chose Asia over Russia, which was quick becoming known for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies.

So: best outcome for bio parents: a non-Down Syndrome baby
best outcome for adoptive parents: countries without a strong history of FAS. Cute and smart is a bonus.

It's the very harsh truth of parents' choices.

(And yes, my daughter from Vietnam is/was cute and and smart!)