Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to skip to number 6 and tell you that you need to be informed about FASD, attachment issues, learning disabilities, and mood disorders. Adopting a “healthy” child often only means they are physically healthy, but very often there are many mental health issues. I love my kids, but life is hard. And it is hard for many other adoptive families.

+1 be prepared for the worst and hope for the best but healthy is in appearance only. You may not be told the truth on prenatal and family history. We were not but I suspected it.

[Anonymous]

yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of adoption at some point... and would love to hear from others experiences with the process!
1. Did you already have kids?
2. Did you adopt privately through an agency or through the foster system?
3. How long did the process take?
4. What age was your child(ren) when you adopted?
5. How much did the adoption cost?
6. Anything you learned along the way that would be helpful to someone considering adoption or anything you did differently you would share?)

Single mom by choice responding here.

1. no
2. agency for international adoption
3. about 14 months from home-study to travel
4. she came home at 7 months -- that was average at the time; the wait is longer now and children to be placed are older; as a single mom I was happy not to have a newborn; I noticed a lot of the single mom adopters at the time were requesting a child 12-24 months
5. About 22K: travel was the expensive part; but I went a week early to travel though my daughter's country
6. I did not have any of the negative experiences of some posters here. My daughter and i bonded in about 5 minutes (as she did with her grandparents) ; she is in college with straight As as a Musical Performance major; she has already competed or performed in 6 countries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

Except that I knew an biological mom who fit this bill exactly.

She got pregnant from a one night stand, and wanted to carry on with her original plan of college, etc. The adoptive mom now knows the family well, and that really was the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of adoption at some point... and would love to hear from others experiences with the process!
1. Did you already have kids?
2. Did you adopt privately through an agency or through the foster system?
3. How long did the process take?
4. What age was your child(ren) when you adopted?
5. How much did the adoption cost?
6. Anything you learned along the way that would be helpful to someone considering adoption or anything you did differently you would share?)

Single mom by choice responding here.

1. no
2. agency for international adoption
3. about 14 months from home-study to travel
4. she came home at 7 months -- that was average at the time; the wait is longer now and children to be placed are older; as a single mom I was happy not to have a newborn; I noticed a lot of the single mom adopters at the time were requesting a child 12-24 months
5. About 22K: travel was the expensive part; but I went a week early to travel though my daughter's country
6. I did not have any of the negative experiences of some posters here. My daughter and i bonded in about 5 minutes (as she did with her grandparents) ; she is in college with straight As as a Musical Performance major; she has already competed or performed in 6 countries

My story is very similar. I did my homework upfront, and chose my county based upon the mental and physical health outcomes of the babies who were available for adoption.

There were no guarantees of course...but there are not for children who enter the family through birth either.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of adoption at some point... and would love to hear from others experiences with the process!
1. Did you already have kids? No
2. Did you adopt privately through an agency or through the foster system? Through foster care
3. How long did the process take? 2 months to be licensed, 5 months to be matched, 7 months until she came to live with us
4. What age was your child(ren) when you adopted? 7
5. How much did the adoption cost? 0.
6. Anything you learned along the way that would be helpful to someone considering adoption or anything you did differently you would share?) Either it is very different here or this board is biased.
People here constantly talk about how foster kids have PTSD and huge issues. That is definitely a possibility. But my child and all children that I considered bringing into our home did not. To list to these people you would think all foster kids are going to burn your house down. Some issues, absolutely. Are they going to kill you in your sleep? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

Except that I knew an biological mom who fit this bill exactly.

She got pregnant from a one night stand, and wanted to carry on with her original plan of college, etc. The adoptive mom now knows the family well, and that really was the whole story.

And, these things do happen. We have what should have been an ideal situation on paper but it was far from ideal.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you know that all forms of parenting carry risk of heartache, as do all forms of love.

There is no risk free path

Most kids who have special needs, or mental health issues or criminal behavior...were not adopted. But when the kid is adopted, everyone assumes that is the root of all their issues.

[Anonymous]

My friends have 4 kids via foster/adoption (no bio relation amongst them.) Other than one kid having a reading delay, all kids are on track, no issues other than fighting over toys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

Oh no it's not! That is exactly the situation my coworker.adopted from. College student on an athletic scholarship, the boy a different race which mattered to the bio grandparents. The student would have lost her scholarship not being able to compete. Did not believe in abortion for religious reasons. My friend and her DH adopted the.most.gorgeous.child I have ever seen whom they are hoping will be an athlete as well. They were in the delivery room as the bio family wanted nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

bingo.

adoption does not equal train wreck.

it is so stigmatized.

and parents with problem kids may console themselves that the kid came with issues. read the special needs thread on this forum. it is full of posts about troubled kids, the vast majority of whom were not adopted into their families.

Having said that, IF a child was subjected to abuse or neglect early on. Or to drugs/alcohol in the womb, they are definitely more likely to have problems. But that is because of their early exposures, NOT adoption. Those two things need to be separated in the discussion.

[Anonymous]

We adopted privately but we distantly know the bio grandparents, so it was quick and painless -- couple of lawyers and a court date and done. Bio grandparents are Irish heritage, strict Catholics, old school. Their 19 year old daughter got pregnant by a Middle Eastern Muslim boyfriend. Boyfriend disappeared. Grandparents said no way -- don't ask for help from us. No abortion due to Catholicism.

DH and I did a semi-open adoption -- we send photos to bio mom on our daughters birthday. DD is now 10 and we will introduce DD to her bio mom at 18 if both agree. Birth mom keeping her distance; has never asked us for anything. I honor her choice that made our lives so happy (and believe me I am totally pro-choice and if I had been a pregnant teen I would have terminated immediately). Bio grandparents show no interest / interference.

DH and I both 38 at time of adoption. We had been thinking of kids after 6 years of marriage; this was so timely we took it as a sign. We were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:bingo.

adoption does not equal train wreck.

it is so stigmatized.

and parents with problem kids may console themselves that the kid came with issues. read the special needs thread on this forum. it is full of posts about troubled kids, the vast majority of whom were not adopted into their families.

Having said that, IF a child was subjected to abuse or neglect early on. Or to drugs/alcohol in the womb, they are definitely more likely to have problems. But that is because of their early exposures, NOT adoption. Those two things need to be separated in the discussion.

I was shocked at how many people assumed that adopted meant major issues. A co-worker refused to let her dc play with my foster dd (now adopted but foster at the time) Why? She was afraid that since my dd had been sexually abused she would sexually abuse other children. The only problem was my foster dd was NEVER sexually abused, never had a history of acting out, and certainly wasn't sexually acintg out. Co-worker had just heard so many horror stories that she assumed.

Many other people have told me how difficult it will be adopting an older foster child. Still waiting for my straight A, teenage, sweetheart to be "so difficult".

[Anonymous]

1. Did you already have kids?

Yes, 3 bio kids.

2. Did you adopt privately through an agency or through the foster system?

It’s not a private adoption if you adopt through an agency. Private is when you have a lawyer And work directly with the birth mom. We are doing an international adoption through an agency.

3. How long did the process take?

It’s not done yet for us. Total it will be about 1.5 years.

4. What age was your child(ren) when you adopted?

He will be 1.5.

5. How much did the adoption cost?

I don’t know. When all is said and done with travel costs included it will probably be $50K.

6. Anything you learned along the way that would be helpful to someone considering adoption or anything you did differently you would share?)

We are adopting from South Korea. I am an adoptee myself. I would see be cautious of the overly saccharine stories you hear and listen to what adult adoptees say.

[Anonymous]

Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?