Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

DCUMers: this is the same anti-adoption poster who writes doomsday scenarios every time adoption comes up. My (internationally adopted) daughter and i have been reading her posts for years.

[Anonymous]

I'm another poster who has posted occasionally on these threads. NO, my daughter adopted from Vietnam would not have liked to been raised in rural Vietnam where she was left at an outdoors market in the early morning hours. When she was 18 we visited the region where she was found (and presumed born). At the end of the trip she said, "Mom, this was interesting and all, but I'm ready to just go home."

And yes, I have her permission to post this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

Again, there are some really bad families who adopt and are very abusive so yes, for some kids its better. In some situations, adopt is better and in other situations it isn't.

I hope you have access to counseling.

Some people are blessed with wonderful parents and some get monsters. True when adoption is involved and when it is not. Adoptive parents are at least vetted, which is not the case for bio-parents.

Sorry if you had awful lucky in the parent lottery..but that is NOT because of adoption. You got bad parents, which happens to some unfortunate children.

May you heal and find peace

[Anonymous]

Illegal in almost all countries...nor would the US State Dept grant a visa for this instance.

If the mother is deemed unfit to parent, , then the baby’s welfare should take priority

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

Again, there are some really bad families who adopt and are very abusive so yes, for some kids its better. In some situations, adopt is better and in other situations it isn't.

I hope you have access to counseling.

Some people are blessed with wonderful parents and some get monsters. True when adoption is involved and when it is not. Adoptive parents are at least vetted, which is not the case for bio-parents.

Sorry if you had awful lucky in the parent lottery..but that is NOT because of adoption. You got bad parents, which happens to some unfortunate children.

May you heal and find peace

I hope you have access to counseling. That had nothing to do with me having bad parents. Adoption is not better or the answer for all kids.

[Anonymous]

I want to support a point raised earlier in relation to question #6: above all, I would counsel anyone considering adoption to get solid, informed training around attachment issues. One problem we encountered was that the discussion of attachment dealt only with most extreme form of reactive attachment disorder. But as another poster noted, attachment issues show up in a variety of ways, and may well show up long after you believe that you and your child have bonded as a family.

My intent here is not to stigmatize families built through adoption; rather, I want folks to recognize that adoptees may (not will) face particular ongoing challenges around issues of identity and attachment, often in unpredictable ways.

I would also recommend parenting classes and/or family therapy with a focus on attachment. CASE is a good place to start for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to support a point raised earlier in relation to question #6: above all, I would counsel anyone considering adoption to get solid, informed training around attachment issues. One problem we encountered was that the discussion of attachment dealt only with most extreme form of reactive attachment disorder. But as another poster noted, attachment issues show up in a variety of ways, and may well show up long after you believe that you and your child have bonded as a family.

My intent here is not to stigmatize families built through adoption; rather, I want folks to recognize that adoptees may (not will) face particular ongoing challenges around issues of identity and attachment, often in unpredictable ways.

I would also recommend parenting classes and/or family therapy with a focus on attachment. CASE is a good place to start for that.

We had a terrible experience at CASE. Some of RAD also depends on the adoption. Its far more common in international and foster care adoptions vs. newborn. Rad is only one concern. But, there is also an issue if the parents don't bond with the kids. Everyone talks about kids bonding to parents, but parents also need to bond to kids.

[Anonymous]

These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio child.

Nicely said but kids also have complex situations with domestic/newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio child.

Nicely said but kids also have complex situations with domestic/newborn.

PP here. Yes, all adoptees have complex situations, which I believe is what I said, but being international, transracial, or both adds even more complexity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio ch

I very purposefully used "biological" as well as "natural" to see which one posters would pick on. DCUMers are so predictable.

And no, my parenting is no way different had I birthed my daughters. As my daughters tend to say, "Stop making such a big deal about adoption. It's the parents who are the problem."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio child.

Nicely said but kids also have complex situations with domestic/newborn.

PP here. Yes, all adoptees have complex situations, which I believe is what I said, but being international, transracial, or both adds even more complexity.

We have a domestic adoption and its far more complex than most but its very specific to us, and not normal. I think that is one layer many parents choose to ignore as well as how it impacts the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

I hear what you’re saying and 100% agree with the premise that adoptees are not second class citizens, but even you use language that undermines your argument- “natural-born” is a phrase many adoptees find offensive, as an FYI.

I do have to also say that while an adopted child is not different than a bio child, the parenting IS different. Adopted children come with a layer of complexity that bio children don’t have and parenting had best reflect that, especially when the adoption was an international or transracial one.

I am an Asian adoptee who has adopted an Asian child and also has a bio ch

I very purposefully used "biological" as well as "natural" to see which one posters would pick on. DCUMers are so predictable.

And no, my parenting is no way different had I birthed my daughters. As my daughters tend to say, "Stop making such a big deal about adoption. It's the parents who are the problem."

Both are pretty offensive. Once a child is adopted it doesn't matter how they join your family as they are your child. My parenting is different as there are so many differences in our family and our child's life that are not typical in another family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.