Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In their health family histories, my parents experienced alcoholism on the paternal side (my grandparents) and depression on the maternal side (my grandmother and aunt). They still chose to birth 3 children. One is an alcoholic and one is bipolar. Thank goodness I escaped both.

Putting kids together piece by piece is not possible. I have read thousands of posts on DCUM where (bio) children were created and raised without a second thought to the family health history. That's irresponsible. If health histories are as important as posters say, then they are important in the creation of bio children as well as adoptive children. Yet bio parents seem to disregard examples like alcoholic grandparents or their 2 aunts' bipolar disorder. Weird.

What exactly is your point? What reaction are you looking for? Your post is really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their health family histories, my parents experienced alcoholism on the paternal side (my grandparents) and depression on the maternal side (my grandmother and aunt). They still chose to birth 3 children. One is an alcoholic and one is bipolar. Thank goodness I escaped both.

Putting kids together piece by piece is not possible. I have read thousands of posts on DCUM where (bio) children were created and raised without a second thought to the family health history. That's irresponsible. If health histories are as important as posters say, then they are important in the creation of bio children as well as adoptive children. Yet bio parents seem to disregard examples like alcoholic grandparents or their 2 aunts' bipolar disorder. Weird.

What exactly is your point? What reaction are you looking for? Your post is really weird.

NP here. I think PP is trying to say that prospective adoptive families worry too much about health histories of their potential adopted children, especially compared to families who have children the traditional way- many/most disregard what’s in their own health history and have children with little thought to the consequences and impact on those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their health family histories, my parents experienced alcoholism on the paternal side (my grandparents) and depression on the maternal side (my grandmother and aunt). They still chose to birth 3 children. One is an alcoholic and one is bipolar. Thank goodness I escaped both.

Putting kids together piece by piece is not possible. I have read thousands of posts on DCUM where (bio) children were created and raised without a second thought to the family health history. That's irresponsible. If health histories are as important as posters say, then they are important in the creation of bio children as well as adoptive children. Yet bio parents seem to disregard examples like alcoholic grandparents or their 2 aunts' bipolar disorder. Weird.

What exactly is your point? What reaction are you looking for? Your post is really weird.

NP here. I think PP is trying to say that prospective adoptive families worry too much about health histories of their potential adopted children, especially compared to families who have children the traditional way- many/most disregard what’s in their own health history and have children with little thought to the consequences and impact on those kids.

It is two very different issues. Not all families have great insurance that may cover behavioral or mental health issues. Bipolar, schizophrenia and other things are very very difficult to treat. Regardless of birth or adoption, if your child has it, you deal with it but its a bit different when you grew up with those things in your family and its your normal. Some adoptive parents put a lot more thought into becoming parents and the impact it will have on them and your child/ren. With drug/alcohol use, you very much can control that in your biological children. You can prevent some things, not everything obviously but heavy drug/alcohol use plays a huge role in development and can have serious life long issues for kids who then become adults. If you haven't had kids with those issues or worked with them, you may not understand the seriousness of it.

As a parent with a child who did have SN, I had to quit my job to get my child to all the daily therapies and we had to find a way to pay for it all. We could make it work but many are not willing and able. We turned down situations early on as we were not prepared for life long care and when we started we couldn't afford at the time to be on one income, especially with the adoption expenses. Adoption is easily $20-60K and then you could easily end up with a few thousand a month in therapy and doctor's appointments on top of either having to hire a nanny or stay home as most day cares are not equip to deal with SN plus as a parent I wasn't comfortable sending a child to day care or preschool who wasn't verbal enough to tell me if they were being abused or in any way hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

Are you the same anti-adoption poster who always comes on these discussions?

OK, I'll bite. I asked my adult niece, who was adopted in the US, if she would rather have been raised in the US rather the 4 other countries she was raised in, since her adoptive family was State Department. A resounding no. She loved living in Brazil, Belgium, Kenya, and Japan. Being raised in the US would have held back culturally, and she enjoys communicating in Japanese, French, and Portuguese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

The opposite of being raised in an orphanage is not growing up in the US.

Adoption creates FAMILIES

Are you glad you have a family?

That what adoption gives babies.

It is only legal (in the US) when being raised by their birth family is not a viable option. So, it is remedying an existing problem, for the baby's welfare.

Kids are not snatched from healthy, happy homes for the benefit of adoptive parents. That is a distortion of the concept of adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their health family histories, my parents experienced alcoholism on the paternal side (my grandparents) and depression on the maternal side (my grandmother and aunt). They still chose to birth 3 children. One is an alcoholic and one is bipolar. Thank goodness I escaped both.

Putting kids together piece by piece is not possible. I have read thousands of posts on DCUM where (bio) children were created and raised without a second thought to the family health history. That's irresponsible. If health histories are as important as posters say, then they are important in the creation of bio children as well as adoptive children. Yet bio parents seem to disregard examples like alcoholic grandparents or their 2 aunts' bipolar disorder. Weird.

What exactly is your point? What reaction are you looking for? Your post is really weird.

NP here. I think PP is trying to say that prospective adoptive families worry too much about health histories of their potential adopted children, especially compared to families who have children the traditional way- many/most disregard what’s in their own health history and have children with little thought to the consequences and impact on those kids.

It is two very different issues. Not all families have great insurance that may cover behavioral or mental health issues. Bipolar, schizophrenia and other things are very very difficult to treat. Regardless of birth or adoption, if your child has it, you deal with it but its a bit different when you grew up with those things in your family and its your normal. Some adoptive parents put a lot more thought into becoming parents and the impact it will have on them and your child/ren. With drug/alcohol use, you very much can control that in your biological children. You can prevent some things, not everything obviously but heavy drug/alcohol use plays a huge role in development and can have serious life long issues for kids who then become adults. If you haven't had kids with those issues or worked with them, you may not understand the seriousness of it.

As a parent with a child who did have SN, I had to quit my job to get my child to all the daily therapies and we had to find a way to pay for it all. We could make it work but many are not willing and able. We turned down situations early on as we were not prepared for life long care and when we started we couldn't afford at the time to be on one income, especially with the adoption expenses. Adoption is easily $20-60K and then you could easily end up with a few thousand a month in therapy and doctor's appointments on top of either having to hire a nanny or stay home as most day cares are not equip to deal with SN plus as a parent I wasn't comfortable sending a child to day care or preschool who wasn't verbal enough to tell me if they were being abused or in any way hurt.

I am sorry that your parenting journey has been an ordeal. Again, if you look at the special needs thread, you will find many others who can relate. It sounds so difficult and your child is lucky to have such devoted, loving parents. BUT, most people who share your experience are not adoptive parents. You cannot put the "blame" for this all on adoption. It happens. To both adoptive and bio-parents. Sad, difficult...but not always avoidable regardless of your route to parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

The opposite of being raised in an orphanage is not growing up in the US.

Adoption creates FAMILIES

Are you glad you have a family?

That what adoption gives babies.

It is only legal (in the US) when being raised by their birth family is not a viable option. So, it is remedying an existing problem, for the baby's welfare.

Kids are not snatched from healthy, happy homes for the benefit of adoptive parents. That is a distortion of the concept of adoption.

There are a lot of shady things that happen in adoption that no one talks about. Only international adoption do kids come from orphanages. And, even in those countries many are in foster homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their health family histories, my parents experienced alcoholism on the paternal side (my grandparents) and depression on the maternal side (my grandmother and aunt). They still chose to birth 3 children. One is an alcoholic and one is bipolar. Thank goodness I escaped both.

Putting kids together piece by piece is not possible. I have read thousands of posts on DCUM where (bio) children were created and raised without a second thought to the family health history. That's irresponsible. If health histories are as important as posters say, then they are important in the creation of bio children as well as adoptive children. Yet bio parents seem to disregard examples like alcoholic grandparents or their 2 aunts' bipolar disorder. Weird.

What exactly is your point? What reaction are you looking for? Your post is really weird.

NP here. I think PP is trying to say that prospective adoptive families worry too much about health histories of their potential adopted children, especially compared to families who have children the traditional way- many/most disregard what’s in their own health history and have children with little thought to the consequences and impact on those kids.

It is two very different issues. Not all families have great insurance that may cover behavioral or mental health issues. Bipolar, schizophrenia and other things are very very difficult to treat. Regardless of birth or adoption, if your child has it, you deal with it but its a bit different when you grew up with those things in your family and its your normal. Some adoptive parents put a lot more thought into becoming parents and the impact it will have on them and your child/ren. With drug/alcohol use, you very much can control that in your biological children. You can prevent some things, not everything obviously but heavy drug/alcohol use plays a huge role in development and can have serious life long issues for kids who then become adults. If you haven't had kids with those issues or worked with them, you may not understand the seriousness of it.

As a parent with a child who did have SN, I had to quit my job to get my child to all the daily therapies and we had to find a way to pay for it all. We could make it work but many are not willing and able. We turned down situations early on as we were not prepared for life long care and when we started we couldn't afford at the time to be on one income, especially with the adoption expenses. Adoption is easily $20-60K and then you could easily end up with a few thousand a month in therapy and doctor's appointments on top of either having to hire a nanny or stay home as most day cares are not equip to deal with SN plus as a parent I wasn't comfortable sending a child to day care or preschool who wasn't verbal enough to tell me if they were being abused or in any way hurt.

I am sorry that your parenting journey has been an ordeal. Again, if you look at the special needs thread, you will find many others who can relate. It sounds so difficult and your child is lucky to have such devoted, loving parents. BUT, most people who share your experience are not adoptive parents. You cannot put the "blame" for this all on adoption. It happens. To both adoptive and bio-parents. Sad, difficult...but not always avoidable regardless of your route to parenthood.

That wasn't the ordeal in our adoption. Far worse has happened. That as no big deal but the point being is you have to be prepared for the financial aspect of not only adoption but also any needs that come up. Parents with biological children are not spending $20-80K to adopt. It doesn't have anything to do with adoption and ours could have happened we didn't adopt but the point is it was the cost of adoption, plus all the therapies and needing to quit my job to manage it all. I would do it all over again for my child and I understood what was involved but many don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

Are you the same anti-adoption poster who always comes on these discussions?

OK, I'll bite. I asked my adult niece, who was adopted in the US, if she would rather have been raised in the US rather the 4 other countries she was raised in, since her adoptive family was State Department. A resounding no. She loved living in Brazil, Belgium, Kenya, and Japan. Being raised in the US would have held back culturally, and she enjoys communicating in Japanese, French, and Portuguese.

Everyones experience and feelings are different. If your niece got a great family that was a good fit, sure, she'd say that. If she got a terrible abusive family, she might feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

Again, there are some really bad families who adopt and are very abusive so yes, for some kids its better. In some situations, adopt is better and in other situations it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is about finding parents, not about taking away a family, but providing one when there is none.

All countries should be able to provide for their own orphans and widows. No country likes to export their kids.

Asking an adoptee if they would have preferred an orphanage is cruel and ignorant.
Birth mother's are under pressure to relinquish. That pressure would not be there if the alternative was an orphanage.

No adoptee should be made to feel grateful for being born or adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

There are .001% of American woman who match that mythical description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is about finding parents, not about taking away a family, but providing one when there is none.

All countries should be able to provide for their own orphans and widows. No country likes to export their kids.

Asking an adoptee if they would have preferred an orphanage is cruel and ignorant.
Birth mother's are under pressure to relinquish. That pressure would not be there if the alternative was an orphanage.

No adoptee should be made to feel grateful for being born or adopted.

Yes! And sometimes the children have been taken without the mother’s consent.