Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

j

Don’t date men, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

I date women like OP, and am not like that men she is dating.

My guess is she lacks the rest of the package to attract the kind of men she would like as they have many options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.

Are you only now at 50 learning that most men are self-absorbed?

So much this^. OP, it has taken me almost 40 years to realize that the vast majority of men are still stuck in “taker” mode. They expect women to caretake, do all the emotional labor, show up to do what they want to do, perform sexually for them, be available for whatever functions, and contribute financially equally or more, etc.

Frankly, having already raised 2 kids and allowing myself to be squeezed of all value by my exH in the interest of presenting some kind of family for my kids, I have zero interest in being with a man who cannot be a giver and not a taker. Dating, to me, is about quickly weeding out the guys who are self-absorbed takers who are only interested in being served sexually, emotionally, etc.

You are right to notice and be concerned when you meet a man like this. You are right to be concerned that this seems to be 90% of the men your age or older. I’m not sure how much better it is at younger ages, but you are wrong to waste any time trying to figure out why men or any particular man is like this. That’s a waste of your valuable energy. Instead, just, “thank you, next” should be your mantra when you meet someone like this.

Also, I think you are mistaking talking about work as some kind of proxy for intellectual engagement. Plus, when you’re dating, these are men you really don’t know, so I wouldn’t be sharing any work related info. If you want that kind of intellectual discussion of work and support, get a therapist or a career coach.

When you grow a little older PP, you will realize that all men are like this, not just the vast majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

[Anonymous]

OP, keep meeting people, and maybe aim a bit closer to your age than the men you’ve been tending to date so far. Those who are accomplished in still-busy careers in their late 40s (or early 50s), like you, may just take a bit more time to find. Hang in there!

As much as they say opposites attract, more modern research finds that’s not really true. Maybe it would help to be a bit more picky and not less? I know the opposite advice is often given when starting to date again, but worth considering:

Do Opposites Really Attract?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202401/do-opposites-attract

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Lol @ you insulting my "emotions" and then writing this hysterical screed because your feelings got hurt. I said what I said in my last post and I'm not reading any of this nonsense you've spewed.

My feeling weren't hurt at all. Just letting you know that you are very closed minded, and maybe you address that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Which woman can travel with you on demand, can you tell us? Most women still have office jobs and kids to tender to kids in their 40-50s. Only an independently wealthy woman (like OP) or a sugar baby, eg completely jobless/reliant on you to pay for her essential living expenses

Again with reading comprehension, where did I say anything about being available for on demand travel? Where did I say anything about her not working or preffering that she be reliant on me to pay for her essential living expense? I didn't.

You said “ The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me?”

So it means you should pay for that flexibility or she must be independently wealthy/have a cushy remote job to do that

I would pay for the flexibility and I know plenty succesful woman who do have the flexibility. I said to travel with me, I didn't say it had to be when I dictate it. Zero flexibility means limited travel, flexibility means more opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Which woman can travel with you on demand, can you tell us? Most women still have office jobs and kids to tender to kids in their 40-50s. Only an independently wealthy woman (like OP) or a sugar baby, eg completely jobless/reliant on you to pay for her essential living expenses

I'm not OP and I'm not independently wealthy (though several of my friends are, either by inheritance or divorce), and I can afford to travel how I want, and I meet plenty of other women like me on my adventures. There are travel groups that specialize in travel for women, or you can travel with other singles, or you can travel in a big group like Backroads. If you do a little research and put yourself out there, you will find your people!

In my 50s I was certainly able to accompany DH on his travels and we often parlayed them into vacations. We don't have kids, had catsitters, I had lots of leave. I wasn't independently wealthy but had a good job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Which woman can travel with you on demand, can you tell us? Most women still have office jobs and kids to tender to kids in their 40-50s. Only an independently wealthy woman (like OP) or a sugar baby, eg completely jobless/reliant on you to pay for her essential living expenses

I'm not OP and I'm not independently wealthy (though several of my friends are, either by inheritance or divorce), and I can afford to travel how I want, and I meet plenty of other women like me on my adventures. There are travel groups that specialize in travel for women, or you can travel with other singles, or you can travel in a big group like Backroads. If you do a little research and put yourself out there, you will find your people!

In my 50s I was certainly able to accompany DH on his travels and we often parlayed them into vacations. We don't have kids, had catsitters, I had lots of leave. I wasn't independently wealthy but had a good job.

We don’t have the kids is the key here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Lol @ you insulting my "emotions" and then writing this hysterical screed because your feelings got hurt. I said what I said in my last post and I'm not reading any of this nonsense you've spewed.

My feeling weren't hurt at all. Just letting you know that you are very closed minded, and maybe you address that.

I'll try to find a time to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I date women like OP, and am not like that men she is dating.

My guess is she lacks the rest of the package to attract the kind of men she would like as they have many options.

What exactly is the rest of the package that attracts the oh so wonderful group of men you think you're part of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I date women like OP, and am not like that men she is dating.

My guess is she lacks the rest of the package to attract the kind of men she would like as they have many options.

What exactly is the rest of the package that attracts the oh so wonderful group of men you think you're part of?

She’s seemingly not attractive enough to match with men her own age who have options