How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

I just say I exercise a few hours a day, read, take long walks, volunteer, plan my next vacation, travel. Basically enjoy my days, with time for myself and the family. I have no need to prove myself to anyone.

[Anonymous]

tell them you're working on your PhD dissertation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Their judgement is their problem, not yours. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Tell them you shop, do pilates and drink matcha. This is standard Gen Z answer to "What do you do?", even if they are astronauts or mathematicians.

[Anonymous]

I'm a physician who retired prematurely and I manage our rentals but don't offer any of these details if someone judges me for being JUST A SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM of teens here …. Just say you take care of your family and manage the house. Don’t worry about how other people react, you can’t control that so smile and move on.

People hire cleaner, cooks,babysitters, house managers but still complain about chores and parenting and fight with their spouses about it. What are you ashamed of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I volunteer.

“Why volunteer for free when you could get paid?”

Flexibility to do as much or as little and make a difference in people's lives without charging them on top of caring for your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... you do not need to be polite to anyone asking such a personal question.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say you're helping a loved one with a chronic illness. If pressed you can say,

I'd rather not get into it now for their privacy, but trust me it takes a lot of time. How about you? How do you spend your days?

If that's not true then don't say it. You aren't answerable to them. Lol though most SAHM have husbands with chronic illness of being useless at chores and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Not as well or as extensively. It’s just physically not possible. I’ve been both a working mom and a SAHM and know the difference. Also, when both parents are working, all these chores are typically divided, but with a stay at home parent, the working spouse can focus on their career a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done
by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Sorry, if someone is at work for 8 hours, commuting another and sleeps for 6-8 hours, they aren't doing all these chores. Well, may be if they are too poor to afford help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell them you're working on your PhD dissertation

I actually do take educational courses in areas of my interest but I feel no need to give an straight answer to a crooked question.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and the best thing you can do is actually get okay with being one in your own head.

I’m not saying a really obnoxious question wouldn’t irk me, but it says more about the other person than it does about me and it’s not my job to have the perfect answer to fix the awkwardness. Lol because I don’t have a job.

Life as a SAHM is deeply humbling in so many ways. But humility is great. What would Pooh say?

I mean maybe Pooh just says “I’m going to go get a drink” in this situation, if it’s just some jerk at a party.

But imo ALL moms are making hard choices and dealing with a lot so if it were a friend, I hope I would try listening. What are they saying? Maybe their job is essential to them for all kinds of good reasons that might be material or internal and they want to feel better about the path not taken. It’s probably not just that they’re trying to put you down. And if they are, it’s probably because something is wrong and/or they’re scared.

[Anonymous]

I might try just being quiet and blinking slowly

[Anonymous]

If I were in your position, I would simply state that I prefer not to discuss my employment situation as it is a very personal matter.

Then leave it at that.
If after telling someone this…..and they continue to bring up this topic I would reconsider having these people in my life.
After all, boundaries need to be respected.

Personally I find the questions that these people are asking you highly intrusive.
Their unspoken assumptions that you do “nothing” all day since you do not go to work are truly none of their business.

Hopefully this helps‼️