Is it possible to learn to enjoy sex with someone after years of bad sex?

[Anonymous]

This is a fascinating and eye opening thread. Lack of sexual chemistry has always been a deal breaker for me and I've had my share of relationships with men who were nice enough but no sexual spark. While I am not married, I always thought that ... while the initial spark was bound to fade ... it was nonetheless important to have that to start out with, that way you would have something to return to/remember even ... sort of a reference point or something that might come back from time to time.

So I see the women who say they never had sexual chemistry with their mates as very different from those who once had it but are turned off by weight gain or just the stress of day to day life. Personally I would think that the second situation might be easier to turn around, but who knows. In the long-term relationships I've had where the sex was good, even if it faded, a real warmth, desire to cuddle etc, remained, wheras if there never was good sex, the relationship turned bitter and resentful and even closeness became a challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:has anyone read the research about how being on the pill can mess with your normal attraction? apparently, women go off the pill and sometimes lose interest in their longterm partners

I've seen it discussed in conjunction with studies about how women are attracted to more masculine traits in men around the time they're ovulating.

See, eg.:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/11/081112074436.htm
(Around ovulation, women are more attracted to masculine faces. During other times, more feminine male faces. Theory being evolution favored getting impregnated with good genes but otherwise bonding with a more reliable mate.)

So, when women are on the pill; ovulation is suppressed -- women on the pill aren't so attracted to the more overt masculinity. When they go off the pill, their attraction to the less masculine guys fade. That's the idea anyway.

[Anonymous]

I always thought divorce was typically more complicated than "just sex." but I am realizing that sometimes it's just about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume the wives complaining about their out of shape husbands will give their husbands 90 minutes a day to work out, walk/run, etc.

I assume they won't complain one minute about their fat husbands and then go on about wanting desert, etc.

I complain about physique. I work out T/W/Th/sa/su (and I work FT. I offered my husband that I would 100% do the full morning routine with the kids so he couldgo to the gym. He lasted a week. He does not care to try to look good for me, while I'm here firm and fit. He sure has a hard time keeping his hands off me but does NO work to try to attract me. I keep myself maintained and even had my boobs fixed after I had kids. Him? No effort.

As far as dessert. Do you think I remain a size 4 with no cellulite eating ice cream in front of the TV at night?

You sound like loads of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating and eye opening thread. Lack of sexual chemistry has always been a deal breaker for me and I've had my share of relationships with men who were nice enough but no sexual spark. While I am not married, I always thought that ... while the initial spark was bound to fade ... it was nonetheless important to have that to start out with, that way you would have something to return to/remember even ... sort of a reference point or something that might come back from time to time.

So I see the women who say they never had sexual chemistry with their mates as very different from those who once had it but are turned off by weight gain or just the stress of day to day life. Personally I would think that the second situation might be easier to turn around, but who knows. In the long-term relationships I've had where the sex was good, even if it faded, a real warmth, desire to cuddle etc, remained, wheras if there never was good sex, the relationship turned bitter and resentful and even closeness became a challenge.

Female in her mid 40s here. Married 17 years. Had a sexual spark at the beginning. What killed it for me is that my H has a lower drive than I do, so I initiate 99% of the time. I'm not sure how much I buy into the "alpha/beta" stuff, but men, take it from me: never initiating is desire killing beta behavior. We still do it once a week or so, but I've long since stopped relying on him to be my entire sexual outlet. Once I gave up trying to get him to have sex as much as I needed it, our overall relationship improved; but everyone, male and female, in a long term relationship should be warned: if you chronically undersex your partner, they are going to be very vulnerable to attention and affairs from other live human beings. Going solo to get what you need is ultimately not satisfactory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating and eye opening thread. Lack of sexual chemistry has always been a deal breaker for me and I've had my share of relationships with men who were nice enough but no sexual spark. While I am not married, I always thought that ... while the initial spark was bound to fade ... it was nonetheless important to have that to start out with, that way you would have something to return to/remember even ... sort of a reference point or something that might come back from time to time.

So I see the women who say they never had sexual chemistry with their mates as very different from those who once had it but are turned off by weight gain or just the stress of day to day life. Personally I would think that the second situation might be easier to turn around, but who knows. In the long-term relationships I've had where the sex was good, even if it faded, a real warmth, desire to cuddle etc, remained, wheras if there never was good sex, the relationship turned bitter and resentful and even closeness became a challenge.

Female in her mid 40s here. Married 17 years. Had a sexual spark at the beginning. What killed it for me is that my H has a lower drive than I do, so I initiate 99% of the time. I'm not sure how much I buy into the "alpha/beta" stuff, but men, take it from me: never initiating is desire killing beta behavior. We still do it once a week or so, but I've long since stopped relying on him to be my entire sexual outlet. Once I gave up trying to get him to have sex as much as I needed it, our overall relationship improved; but everyone, male and female, in a long term relationship should be warned: if you chronically undersex your partner, they are going to be very vulnerable to attention and affairs from other live human beings. Going solo to get what you need is ultimately not satisfactory.

19:05 here.

Yeah. Before we got married, DH and I had great, raunchy, moderately kinky sex. After we got married, DH's switch flipped from "whore" to "madonna" and he stopped asking for anything. He repeatedly has said that he doesn't feel like he can bother his wife for stuff like that. IF he we don't have sex, he complains, but he won't initiate. He also won't do any of the kinky stuff that I used to love. He also blames the lack of sexual spark on me -- it's my fault that we're not having the sex we used to have, because I am a woman and women don't want that kind of sex.

Ugh. Thinking about this makes me want to cry. What a mindfuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
19:05 here.

Yeah. Before we got married, DH and I had great, raunchy, moderately kinky sex. After we got married, DH's switch flipped from "whore" to "madonna" and he stopped asking for anything. He repeatedly has said that he doesn't feel like he can bother his wife for stuff like that. IF he we don't have sex, he complains, but he won't initiate. He also won't do any of the kinky stuff that I used to love. He also blames the lack of sexual spark on me -- it's my fault that we're not having the sex we used to have, because I am a woman and women don't want that kind of sex.

Ugh. Thinking about this makes me want to cry. What a mindfuck.

Bummer. And I know it happens with guys like that sometimes. But I also know that women get so caught up in their mommy self-image that they forget they can also switch the setting to "whore" from time to time.

But, I wonder, does your DH think you don't want that kind of sex even though you've told him that, yes in fact, you do want that kind of sex. Have you tried to initiate that kind of sex and he has declined? Or is it more of a situation where the kink hasn't happened because you kind of let him guide the sex life? Because I know that the default setting -- particularly early on -- is that the guy pursues and the girl either says yes or no. And because that's the pattern, some women never really learn how to be the aggressor or to be the one to push the kink.

(For my part, I'm glad I learned not to be so polite with my wife. She'd never actually come out and *say* she likes this or that; let alone be the one to get this or that started in bed. But when I do something a little kinky to her in bed; she gives every indication of enjoying it thoroughly.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
19:05 here.

Yeah. Before we got married, DH and I had great, raunchy, moderately kinky sex. After we got married, DH's switch flipped from "whore" to "madonna" and he stopped asking for anything. He repeatedly has said that he doesn't feel like he can bother his wife for stuff like that. IF he we don't have sex, he complains, but he won't initiate. He also won't do any of the kinky stuff that I used to love. He also blames the lack of sexual spark on me -- it's my fault that we're not having the sex we used to have, because I am a woman and women don't want that kind of sex.

Ugh. Thinking about this makes me want to cry. What a mindfuck.

Bummer. And I know it happens with guys like that sometimes. But I also know that women get so caught up in their mommy self-image that they forget they can also switch the setting to "whore" from time to time.

But, I wonder, does your DH think you don't want that kind of sex even though you've told him that, yes in fact, you do want that kind of sex. Have you tried to initiate that kind of sex and he has declined? Or is it more of a situation where the kink hasn't happened because you kind of let him guide the sex life? Because I know that the default setting -- particularly early on -- is that the guy pursues and the girl either says yes or no. And because that's the pattern, some women never really learn how to be the aggressor or to be the one to push the kink.

(For my part, I'm glad I learned not to be so polite with my wife. She'd never actually come out and *say* she likes this or that; let alone be the one to get this or that started in bed. But when I do something a little kinky to her in bed; she gives every indication of enjoying it thoroughly.)

Oh, yes. We've had many fights over it. We have made hard dates to have that kind of sex and he always cancels the dates. He once actually left the room and didn't come back, and left me sitting on the edge of the bed in a ridiculous outfit wondering where the fuck he went. He can't have rough sex with his wife. He can barely have vanilla sex with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, yes. We've had many fights over it. We have made hard dates to have that kind of sex and he always cancels the dates. He once actually left the room and didn't come back, and left me sitting on the edge of the bed in a ridiculous outfit wondering where the fuck he went. He can't have rough sex with his wife. He can barely have vanilla sex with his wife.

What a huge bummer. Too bad all of the sexually disinterested husbands and wives can't get together to craft or something while all of the sexually creative husbands and wives go get their freak on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Female in her mid 40s here. Married 17 years. Had a sexual spark at the beginning. What killed it for me is that my H has a lower drive than I do, so I initiate 99% of the time. I'm not sure how much I buy into the "alpha/beta" stuff, but men, take it from me: never initiating is desire killing beta behavior. We still do it once a week or so, but I've long since stopped relying on him to be my entire sexual outlet. Once I gave up trying to get him to have sex as much as I needed it, our overall relationship improved; but everyone, male and female, in a long term relationship should be warned: if you chronically undersex your partner, they are going to be very vulnerable to attention and affairs from other live human beings. Going solo to get what you need is ultimately not satisfactory.

Do you mean you have a FWB?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the women with bad sex here. This is for the people that said what a horrible selfish thing is to marry someone you are not sexually compatable with. Yes, it is selfish, but in most cases things are not so clear cut and it was not an easy decision.

My situation is that my father was abusive, I have low self-confidence and dated for years men that mistreated me. Then I met my husband, he was wonderful in every way but I was just not that physically attracted to him. He had some past issues too, and he really wanted to settle down. I did not mind having a stable relationship so we married.
That's all.

Were you honest about your lack of attraction to him? It sounds like you were in a tough spot, but I think a lot of men (incorrectly) assume that a woman would not marry a man she was not sexually attracted to.

Yes, I think you are right. Because generally men would never marry a woman they are not attracted to physically, they assume that women think the same. And my husband had zero relationship experience.

I can never flat out tell him that, that would be very cruel and he is a wonderful man in every way. But I have told him before many times that I have doubts ( including the day before our wedding) and I think he feels it too and he has asked before if I am attracted to him. It is just all so damn cruel and we are both nice caring people and we love our kids.

Op here- wow, PP when I read your posts I wondered if I had written them myself and forgot! Our situations are almost exactly alike, except my father was absent not abusive. And we are going through extreme financial stress right now, so lots of instability. Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't had the financial problems, perhaps we could have gone on comfortably and this wouldn't have become such a problem in the marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the women with bad sex here. This is for the people that said what a horrible selfish thing is to marry someone you are not sexually compatable with. Yes, it is selfish, but in most cases things are not so clear cut and it was not an easy decision.

My situation is that my father was abusive, I have low self-confidence and dated for years men that mistreated me. Then I met my husband, he was wonderful in every way but I was just not that physically attracted to him. He had some past issues too, and he really wanted to settle down. I did not mind having a stable relationship so we married.
That's all.

Were you honest about your lack of attraction to him? It sounds like you were in a tough spot, but I think a lot of men (incorrectly) assume that a woman would not marry a man she was not sexually attracted to.

Yes, I think you are right. Because generally men would never marry a woman they are not attracted to physically, they assume that women think the same. And my husband had zero relationship experience.

I can never flat out tell him that, that would be very cruel and he is a wonderful man in every way. But I have told him before many times that I have doubts ( including the day before our wedding) and I think he feels it too and he has asked before if I am attracted to him. It is just all so damn cruel and we are both nice caring people and we love our kids.

Op here- wow, PP when I read your posts I wondered if I had written them myself and forgot! Our situations are almost exactly alike, except my father was absent not abusive. And we are going through extreme financial stress right now, so lots of instability. Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't had the financial problems, perhaps we could have gone on comfortably and this wouldn't have become such a problem in the marriage...

DH here: on the other side of this, and I don't think so. We don't have any other problems but this one, and it eventually grows to the point where it overwhelms everything else. I think most men would react similarly.